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*adgirl224
writes:I have been married for 18 years and i am very frustrated and confused about my marriage. I love my husband but i am not in love with him anymore because of the way he treats me. He is the kind of person who punishes me when he does not get his way. He tells me he is not attracted to me sexually anymore because i have gained weight. He punishes me by not showing any type of love, no hugs, no kisses, no smiles and definitely no sex. I am working out my own issues about the weight,going to the gym and changing my diet but it is really sad when you get no support from the one who loves you. I stay with him for my 16 yr. old daughters sake but im not sure if this is right since i feel so sad. I dont want her to come from a broken home. My parents are still together and my husbands parents are too. They have been able to overcome worst obstacles than ours,if they can do it why can't we. Although sometimes i feel that it's all just an excuse because i think he struggles with his own sexuality. He was severely abused as a child sexually and neglected by his parents. He has alot of issues that he needs to get one on one therapy for but he refuses to. Instead he wants to blame all our marital issues on my weight. I'm so confused on what to do. Is there any hope for us? Reply to this Question
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (1 May 2009):
 Mmm, you say he might act this way because of the way his parents acted towards him.
So. What will your daughter learn from the way you two are behaving. What rolemodels are you setting for your daughter.
Daughters marry their fathers (no not literrally, unless they are from Kansas).
A stable "broken" home is better then a home in which to parents set a lousy example.
You might do well to ask what rolemodel your parents were as well.
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reader, sadgirl224 +, writes (1 May 2009):
sadgirl224 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your wonderful advice on my situation.I know that i must be strong for my daughter and i, and figure out what i am going to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): In the long run you may be affecting your daughter more than you think. If she's with a abusive man then she may react the same way you do, put up with someone like that. Do you really want that for her?
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reader, oneandonly?  +, writes (1 May 2009):
Leave him
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reader, rcn +, writes (1 May 2009):
 Ask yourself this. Is it appropriate for him to treat you less than you wish to be treated? I believe you're in charge of how others treat you and have the right to demand they treat you well.
As far as your daughter, she knows. She's not blind to what's going on, what you are teaching her is it's okay to ignore it and allow this treatment. When she's in a situation she's going to imitate how you react, because you're the one who is teaching her what's okay.
If he's not willing to change, I believe you may have to move on from this situation. It's better to be single and raising a child in a happy environment than it is to raise her in hell and expect her to be happy.
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reader, too strong +, writes (1 May 2009):
Well I have to tell you that god gives people signs and instincts about their lives. Maybe you are meant to be an example to other women like yourself... You should be at a healthy weight because of your health and no other reason. If you know to yourself that you are over weight according to your BMI, then by all means, please lose some weight to stay fit and healthy. As far as your fears of leaving your very selfish hubby, because you are worried about your daughter...please put yourself in her position...what if it was to happen to her? Would you want her to be happy or would you want her to stay in an empty marriage? Your daughter will be okay. Gad gave many men the right to crate human beings like themselves, but many men are not rightfully FATHERS or HUSBANDS!!!!
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 May 2009):
 I agree with Old Guy, word by word.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): Have to agree with old guy on this one, Your daughter will be okay.Are you afraid to call it over, that would be completely natural. Your husband has his issues, everyone has something in their past which if they choose they could let dominate their life, im not saying he chooses to be the way he is but he has a choice about how he lets that affect his and your life.Be honest with yourself about what you want from, him and from yourself, and the best of luck with it. Your daughter would probably rather see her mum live her own life than be sad and posibly bitter in the future. One thing though, once you have made your decision you do owe it to your partner to explain where you are coming from, he may not like he may not care, he may not listen, that's his choice but this is about you standing up for you and explaining what you want.Best of luck with it
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): Oh my, I'm sorry for the situation you've found yourself in.
He's saying it's all because of your weight issues. You're working on that (and good for you!). I suspect he'll have a new answer once you've dropped the weight -- but that's no reason to stop working on it!
It sounds like he has other issues, and that he's not willing to communicate. If he's not willing to open up with you, it would be worthwhile to suggest counselling. If he's not willing to do that?
It doesn't matter, really, what his underlying issues are - childhood abuse or whatever. What matters is his willingness to address those issues, and to do what it takes to work *with you* to save the marriage. If he's not willing to do that, if he's not willing to hear and address your unhappiness, then you're on your own. On your own to look after your own well being.
At 16 your daughter is of an age to cope with the break up of a marriage. She almost certainly knows that things aren't going well. As much as you want her to have an 'intact' home, you might very well be giving her a better example by standing up for yourself and leaving an untenable situation.
Best wishes.
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