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My husband is infatuated with his half sister!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 April 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have a dilemma, my h is from a broken home and spent part of his life in children's homes, so he has issues from his past. His father recently passed away and that brought the estanged family back together for the one day, he met up again with his 2 sister's from his dad's 2 different relationships to different women, so they are half brother and sister's, he had met one of them twice beofre and at some point in his life he did live with this sister but she was a baby at the time and he didn't stay with them that long anyway, since the funeral he has become infatuated with this one sister, she lives a long way away, thank god otherwise I think he would be round there out staying his welcome, she on the other hand knows nothing of what's going on in his head. He has been down and sullen and will not speaking of her and how fantastic she is, she is maried now and has a family of her own, and I agree she is lovely, I like her, I don't blame her in any of this as my h does tend to have obessessions, but to be besotted by his sister, obviously she doesn't feel to him like a "sister" as they were never raised as siblings. I have been very patient with him over the last few weeks but my patience is wearing thin, I know that bereavement does strange things to people but I really don't know how to handle this, all he keeps going on about is when is he going to see her again and making plans for the future to travel hours away to see her and he wants to rope me in to this too, I am fed up with it, will he ever come back to his senses, please help.

ps, he couldn't stand his dad so his mopeing around is not for his dad, that is just his excuse.

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A female reader, princessofGod43 United States +, writes (30 April 2010):

princessofGod43 agony auntMadame, have you ever thought that maybe the idea of family is what he is craving...he as you say came from a broken home...well if the sister is doing good he could be obsessing because it's something good finally about his family that he can talk about and that good he wants to be apart of...maybe because you came from a better environment you don't know how it feels to fantasize about a good family...i have people who are not my family ...and i go see them 600miles away because they accept and love me and they are doing good and i want to be apart of that goodness...a need for family is as necessary as air...believe that and if he wants you to be apart of that...if you love him and love the vows you took...respect...then you would and will respect that fact!

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A female reader, cnith United States +, writes (30 April 2010):

cnith agony auntHmmm... fantasies come in all kinds of directions... As long as it remains fantasy, I'd say don't fret over it.

It'd be like you obsessing about mr. brad pitt look alike down the block. Which btw, you might want to ask, how would you feel if I obsessed about the hot new neighbour down the block the way you are doing with your sister? Would it make you feel good or irritate you? Would you even care?

Now me, I just had a reality check. I ogle other men. It happens. My bf knows it. I told him from the start. He does it with other girls too. But it wasn't til a few days ago that he mentioned an actual person (as opposed to a celebrity.) Well, I'm supposed to not be bothered but it does bring up insecurities. I'll let it go but I wondered then, does it bother him the way it did me when I say these things and he just doesn't say anything? I need to be more conscious of the situation...

Anyway, back to you. I wonder what insecurities he's bringing up for you? Does she make you feel 'threatened' because she's younger than you? Because he's going on and on about it you think he wants to trade you? What's really going on with you that's making you react this way? Once you figure that part out, you can figure out what to say.

If it bothers you a lot say to him, can you please not talk to me about this? It bothers me because...

Or would it make you more crazy if he was quiet about it because then he'd be obsessing and you not knowing how deep it goes?

Perhaps the solution is to TALK to him and find out why he's obsessing over her. Is it her looks? Her age? Give him a magazine with hotter women. Her personality? Is it something you could do? What is it that's making him "ogle" her? Maybe there's something you can do. My guy was ogling bigger breasts, not much I can do about that. He said he likes mine just fine. But he's a guy, that's what they do. *shrugs* Hell, I do it too if they're out there...but that's a different story. Some women just put them out there for the world to see and I do, because well, they're there. I dont want them sexually. I find it interesting like body art.

The point is, if it's just a visual thing for him, I wouldn't worry about it. The magazine should fix it. And then don't tell me you get jealous of magazines, come on...that's silly.

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A female reader, BunnyTee United States +, writes (30 April 2010):

BunnyTee agony auntThis is a tough one, but here goes(bearing in mind I'm a gunslinger type of bunny and not the soft, fuzzy kind) This guy sounds to me to be something of a weak (read:pathetic) Narcissist with little thought given to the taboo of incest.

Most of us, upon occasion have ran across someone who blows our minds immediately. What sets us apart from the animal kingdom is the fact that we don't act upon it nor do we plan to do so. (Most of us don't go to a family function like a funeral or reunion to find potential dates or mates. We have a name for that here in the States and it's not nice) I think I'd remind him that this woman with whom he is infatuated shares a genetic common denominator with him and already has her own established life of h/b and kids. Admiration of her achievements is fine, beyond that? it's none of his business and has no place in your lives! Does he really believe that intruding upon her life with his absurd "issues" will be welcomed? I'd also inform him that from this time forward it is a firm unrelenting requirement that he get his head and his ass wired together properly and just get over it already! So dad was lousy and now he's gone. Bad childhood..over! Grow up and be a man, now, for Pete's sake! Don't let yourself be sucked into the "love me, love my illness" line of BS. If he goes as planned to disrupt his half sister's life , as it surely will, the shame will be on him alone you don't have to share it. Tell him: do this and the consequences will be that you'll do it without me. Period. Don't play this ridiculous game. Require this guy to man up and stay that way. There's no excuse for such behavior as his bad childhood or not.

He obviously considers himself only, disregarding a typical cultural taboo, the feelings of others, and to hell with the consequences (or embarrassments) of his intentions. This guy will make a mockery of all involved. Put a stop to it in no uncertain terms.

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