A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Ok this is going to be complicated.My husband of over a year has started to act a little different. At first I found out that he likes backdoor play, and not on me on him! Then a few weeks ago he started wearing my undies, Telling me that they were morcomfortable. I thought nothing of it and let it slide. Then one day he asked me if i would like to dress him up and put makeup on it. I'm a niave teenage girl, And curiosty killed the cat. So I did. Well, I seem to have let this go a little to far because now he wants to dress like a girl all the time! Not in public but just at home. He also wants to have sex with me while wearing makeup and girl clothes. Wel, Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with race, sexuality, sex, religion, etc. I know this is probably going to sound a bit hypocritical, but what he is doing makes me SOOO uncomfortable. I tried talking to him about this, explaining that it makes me very uncomfortable, but He doesn't understand my reasons. I thought I was clear enough, but I don't think we are on the same page. I don't want this to go any further than it already has, not only becasue it makes me uncomfortable, but because we have a young daughter and I don't want her to get the wrong idea about her daddy. Any advice would be wonderful, I'm really at a loss of how to get my husband to understand!Thank you! Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): honestly i dont know what to say except it sounds exactly like my husband every word an i too searched for answers and i found out why i was so uncomfterble becuse with out realizing it he takes away your feminineity (if thats spelled right) and you go through emotions like he knows your un comfterble so why cant he stop or why hide it becuse you disagree? my husband did it when i wasnt home in front of the kids and know my son is doing it at 3 yrs old. it may be ok behined closed doors between u to but put strict bounderies u dont want it around the kids. my husband turned out to have a lot more behined it im not saying your does but he sounds an awful lot like mine finaly he confessed he wanted to be a female. and he was gay then he would change his mind i dont think they know what it is it leaves u both hanging and it hurts you just have to figure out if u want to hang in there or not me n my husband diddnt work becuse he kept lying to me and i belive but cant prove he touched the kids i never thought he would but if he is capable of lying about one thing what else can he do? like i said may not be the same case but i say talk to him you meet him in the middle so r u good enough for him to meet you in the middle?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): hay guys.to start with im a not gay ,and being a cross dresser dosent make a man gay. ,read just about any book about intamisy and you will find lots of guys like back door play that allso dosent make you gay unless you are attracted to men.I am a cross dresser and my wife understandably finds it hard to deal with .I dont personaly want to look like or be a woman i just like wearing the cloaths.though im not in to the make up and shose. http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/index.php (NON SEXUAL SITE) .I FEEL VERY BAD FOR MY WIFE BECAUSE I KNOW she didnt seign up so to speek for a cross dresser .LOOK i felt drawn to it all my life ,and felt ashamed depressed and finaly suecidle because of it, as a child these no support in schools or in the home that tells you its ok to be difrent or that YOU may be diffrent .so i denied that part of me hoping it would go away, it never did and it nearly killed me inside and out ignoring it. i was(still)- married 14 when i stoped denying that part of me.married now 17 years . Im not the man i expected to be in life.BUT BY ALL ACCOUNTS IM A GOOD FATHER AND A GOOD PERSON so my wife and famlie tell me. but i would understand if my wife left me .she tells me she loves me but i feel if we didnt have a young child she would have left me.If you feel you cant come to an arrangemen with your husband i feel you should move on .to the lady that sed her husband is 51 and stoped ,he may be dying inside while he is trying to please YOU or he is hiding it from you dont blame him ,fear of loosing you will be his motive the fact that you sed you are proud of him for stoppin is sad . your brain is wired the way it is. this is no real answer
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): I married my ex husband almost ten years ago. He who is now legally a she did not tell me he was transitioning until 8 years later. I was 2 months pregnant and my mom was dying-great timing. I feel like if this is who he is than why the marriage to me and bringing a child into this world. I do not accept nor believe in this transition. We are now legally divorced and fought a battle over our daughter(whom I want the best interest for)and basically the legal system sucks. Here is my problem-the deception is awful and I dont care what people do in there life but when they take innocent people and decieve them for there own benefit-well that sucks. My suggestion is to be who you are but dont pull the wool over unsuspecting eyes-because it has bad results(it always does) I am very bitter and for the deception he/she put me through-I dont think he/she should have any rights toward my daughter.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Hi my name is branden I happen to go to this website to look for answers for my questions but insteed I ran in to your intrey you posted on this website. By reading your storie I would tell you as a gay man that sees and knows a lot of people that are very what I like to call fem's. I can tell you YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY WOMEN THAT'S GOING THROUGH THIS!!!!!!!!!! SEE this is what I think. Your husband probably loves you more than you can even imagine. BUT there is a big chance that your husband can be gay and very self conscience of it. And feels more comfortable acting and living as a women at home and going out as a man. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you don't feel comfertable right now with it imagine what's going to happen in the future when he or if ever starts to wear dresses. OH P.S. Not to be mean but The anal sex thing is a BIG GIVE A WAY. You should ask him has he ever slept with a man and would you ever. But as his wife say it in a nursing soothing way.Luv
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A
male
reader, Tammy26  +, writes (15 June 2008):
I am crossdresser I am married and in the closet. I would love to come out but my wife does not agree with this. I have made comments about it. We are not sick and if dressing makes us look out of the ordinary, think of this.Women today wear flat shoes like men, they wear pants like men, shirts and even ties.Today's woman looks more like a man then we do. Why then is it wrong for me to wear their stuff? Why can't we enjoy it BOTH ways? I am hetrosexual inside and love sex with women, just love the extra. How about live and let live.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): I feel so bad for both of you.
Of course, he should have told you about this before you got married. He should have told you as soon as it looked like things were getting serious. My guess is he thought that he could just give it up. He was able to do that for a while, but then he felt he had to dress. He was afraid that if he told you, he would have lost you and he really thought he was done with it.
I know that's my story. I didn't mean to deceive my wife. I thought it just wasn't going to be an issue once we got married. I was wrong.
Although I saw one person post here that her boyfriend was able to give it up, I bet he really hasn't and is still dressing secretly. Even if he did give up crossdressing, he's in the minority. Most will never give it up.
So, you need to make some decisions. Is this something you can live with? In many ways, the crossdressing itself is pretty harmless. It's the lies the crossdresser tells himself and others that's really bad. The lies will hurt you worse than his dressing.
If you don't think you can live with this, please give it a bit more time and see if you can. But you should be honest with each other and set appropriate boundaries you both can live with. If you can't accept each other and work through this, then break up before this goes on much longer.
I wish you both the best. I think it's very possible to be happily married to a crossdresser but you also have the right to not be married to a crossdresser. It really is up to you.
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A
male
reader, georgia rose  +, writes (14 June 2008):
I would be concerned about his sexaul habits not his crossdressing. As a male who has come to crossdressing late in life, I'm 59, crossdressing has little to do with sexuality but more to do with expressing your own self. I've found that as long as you are open about it with your partner and they are sufficently broadminded you can actually expand your relationship. I'm sitting her writing this whilst my wife is on her computer about 5 feet away (in the same room) doing her thing about real estate. I'm fully dressed as a woman and she has been very supportive since I fessed up about what I like to do. As a crossdresser you need to be comfortable with yourself. If you feel guilt get out of it. I think you have a choice; either tell him you can't handle it or accept him for what he is. As long as it is not kinky it should be ok. If he loves you he will follow what you want. If he is not prepared to do so your relationship is probably rocky anyway.
Just remember you can't change someone from what they really are.
From a personal perspective, I find I'm much more appreciative of my wife and our relationship which is much stronger since I've let the feminime side of me take a more prominent part of my life. I've found I understand her point of view etc a lot more than I did being the macho male we are all brought up to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Oh my gosh I know what you mean. I've been married now for 10 years (together for 18) and many years ago we 'had a bit of fun' he asked me to dress him and make him up. We'd had some wine so it didn't feel funny at the time. He kept on talking about it so I went shopping for shoes (that's his fetish) etc; secretly hoping it would 'go away' and it did for a while.We now have an 18 month old baby, and since our baby's birth I/We've been too tired or not had adequate contraception so we've abstained for the most part. I found out recently that he's been having 'cyber sex' with an ex. He's told her about his 'alter ego' and she has indulged him.. (I wasn't suspicious or prying I just received texts from him that were meant for her when he'd had a few glasses of wine). I feel like I've married the wrong man. If anybody out there feels the same then please offer some advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): My husband dresses up for sexual gratification only, sometimes it's ok but sometimes I wish he just had sex "normally" like a man.. but makes me wonder if he "can't get it up" without wearing thigh boots and stockings....
Ontario Canada
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I am a wife of a cross dresser and it is very hard for them to come out but it dosent mean they are gay or dont love you I acceopt it shop for him and help w/ his makeup ect We raised kids that are now grown and only 1 knows but because we knew he would be accepting and my husband is very discreet I find that my husband respects and loves me for allowing him to be himself he thanks me for this I know all the feelings that go w/ believe me Ive had them all Im very open minded that helps try reading my husband beatty by helen boyd it will help and you will relate I love my husband and accept him for who he is Its not always easy but if you cant accept that part of him it will eventually ruin your marriage Im trying to find wives like me but many are hurt & angry I just want him to be happy you just have to look in you heart and find a boundry that you can both live w/ its not easy good luck and know youre not alone there are a lot of us
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): We have no control over how we are wired, we are all individuals but at the same time we can be catagorised and put into groups.
Hetero, bi, gay, effeminate gay, butch-macho gay, straight acting gay, openly gay, gentle male, aggressive male, lover of large ladies, thin ladies , ampetees,
ethnic ladies, older ladies, younger ladies, paedo, animals, solo, pairs, groups,
sado, maso and on and on and on.......
You have to try and discover, either for yourself or for your partner, where in the this great big cake thats sliced up into so many pieces, do you fit in.
When you know this, you will find contentment, and you will either still be together or grazing in pastures new.
Good luck, and may I wish you harmony in your life.l
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): My husband didn't really he was into dressing up like a woman til after the ring was on my finger. He wanted to put make-up and dress up eachother right before sex. This really turned me off, but because I knew I'd have my husband back when the clothes were off, I went along. I was a hefty 214 pounds and he still made love to me at this weight. I suggested he not dress up as a woman each and every time, and he cut me off completely. I was all of the sudden "too fat" for him. I saw this as an excuse he couldn't enjoy sex with me unless he was in full drag. He brought my self-esteem to an all time low using my weight as an excuse. If his cross-dressing makes you uncomfortable, you have every reason to feel so, especially if you were told after the ring was on your finger. It has been a decade since any intimacy has been exchanged, and I resent him for making me feel so bad about myself. I know this isnt exactly a good answer, but it doesn't get any easier to accept, especially if you were deceived!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Ariel32 +, writes (22 April 2008):
This will not change, he will be a crossdresser forever. You have to decide if this is something you can accept or not I'm afraid. I left my husband and we are divorced now but not only because of the crossdressing because of all the lies surrounding it. I asked him numerous times to stop and he promised he had. I hated it, it make me insecure and not attracted to him and he knew that. So he did it behind my back and lied to me for years. After we split up he said he didn't have the urge to do it anymore, so I figured it was me, that his stress was caused by me and that's why he kept doing it to relive his stress. I was so angry as he'd started dating someone knew and it was getting serious and he still hadn't told her about his other lifestyle. He told me he was done with crossdressing so why tell her. I was so bitter because that's all I'd ever wanted was for him to stop in our relationship. This lasted about 2 months, then he was back at it again, he finally told her and I guess she's ok with it except that she gets jealous that he looks better as a women then her. There are so many sites that help the woman except it but there are few that tell them to run for the hills. Every single one of my friends that I've confided in say they know they could never handle having a relationship like that, and that's about 20 women or so that I know. Don't beat yourself up over this, it's not a hypocritical thing, you either are attracted to men or women, it's hard wired into you and when you are attracted to men only then your man turns out to be a women, it's not what you signed up for, so cut yourself some slack. If I've learned anything from my 14 years with my ex husband it's that it will never change and unfortuantley it'll get stronger as time goes by, he'll get more and more adventureous with is and his urges to do it will get stronger and more often. If you can't handle it now, you'll never be able to handle it in the future I don't believe. If you can accept it then great you are one of the precious few but the majority can't and if you're one of those people that can't, then so be it, don't beat yourself up for not being attracted to him dressed as a woman, it's human nature and nothing you should feel bad about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): My boyfriend and I dated for a couple months, and on the night after we first slept together, he told me he was a crossdresser. I wasn't happy, I felt lied to and deceived. Imagine how I felt when he told me that when he was younger he used to masterbate while wearing his mother's clothing. We moved in together a couple years later only after he decided he would stop crossdressing and threw everything out (I never asked him to do this, he did it on his own). Don't believe all the crap you read on the internet that they can't stop crossdressing. My boyfriend is 51 years old and finally realized he's lived in a Peter Pan world his entire crossdressing life. I'm proud of him for realizing he needed to give up this fantasy life if he ever wanted a real life (whether it was with me or anyone else). He's gone 4 1/2 years without crossdressing. It's a mental addiction and nothing more. Don't believe the hype.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Hello,I too, not too long ago I told my wife about my crossdressing things. After she finished laughing, she told me that she doesn't care and that she accepts me the way I am. but she told me that she is very incomfortable with that, the entire idea sounds gay for her. I don't dress up complete yet, I would like to do that but not in front of my wife as I'm so ashamed of doing this. So far she accepts that I wear some of her Underwears. I don't know how this will be later as also we have a daughter and neither my wife nor me want her to be affected with this.Society set us standards of what is normal whats not and who ever is not following that standard is judged abnormal and rejected.As for your husband you should sit and make him clearly understand that this makes you uncomfortable and set some agreements (ex. he can dress up but not in your presence)You also so should learn a lot about men who crossdress and what makes them do that is it a disorder or not, etc... by learning a lot about this subject, it will give you tips about how to deal with that over your life.I'm also still looking for answers because it's something hard to cope with.good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): (To Married 30 years) I'm very sorry for your loss.
After 10 years of marriage I finally felt comfortable enough to open up with my Wife. I never discussed it before we married - I thought it was an 'urge' that I had control over and decided that I would never engage in that behavior again - I felt it would be hurtful to my Wife and I felt my behavior to be self-centered and indulgent. I don't believe it is purely an issue of honesty; it is also an issue of shame (most of us were brought up to believe this is wrong) and fear (of our spouses rejection).
As with some other comments, I too like the notion of 'role-reversal' - but it is still my Wife that I am loving, and not a gay or bi fantasy.
You state that you discovered receipts and confronted him, and that this happened around the time your Daughter died; although the timing couldn't have been worse, perhaps you might extend him just a bit of credit for being 'honest when confronted', stop being prejudicial and COMMUNICATE with him for a change.
Your feelings are shattered, he is now completely vulnerable - maybe after 30 years the 2 of you can learn to love unconditionally and honestly -AND- respect each others' feelings and needs; perhaps if you don't want to be a part of his activity, you could give him some time and space to do so, so he doesn't need to HIDE from you. Who knows - you might even grow closer after the initial shock wears off.
It sounds like there are 2 damaged people who happen to be married - the healthiest marriages I have seen are the ones where problems are shared and solved together - they don't belong to just 1 spouse.
Good Luck - D
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): hello there i am a male and i feel the same way as youe husband, i am also to married. I know it different from what you are use to but it just gives great feeling to male.
if you want leave me your email and i can talk to you more about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): To find out that your husband enjoys dressing as a woman can come as a shock! I was only married for a short time when I found out that my husband was "dressing up" in my lingere. When I confronted him I was angry and told him that I wanted no part of this. Well as time when on it began again (or never stopped) I decided that I was not going to let this side on him ruin our marriage. At first I was not sure how to handle this but I had him "dress up" for me an was surprised that I was turned on by this. I am not bi but the total and complete honesty and trust that he had with me made me want him even more. We now both enjoy this side of our relationship. I shop for clothes for us and help with makeup. This our complete "private" time, no one will ever know anything about this except for us. And it has brought a spark to our relationship that over the last 20 years had begun to fade. I am glad that we trust one another enough to enjoy this part of our relationship completly. Our sex life has never been better. The best advice that I can give is be totally and completly open and honest with one another, do not do anything that you are uncomfortable with, but also know that even though you may find it weird now, it could grow on you. Best of Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): I can relate. I have been married for 30 years. About five years ago, I found a receipt for a leather skirt and high heals. My husband had had affairs before with women, so I went after him. He told me the things he bought were for him. He then showed me a wig, and all sorts of other things. He too wanted me to get physical with him dressed up. I am not attracted to women in that way, and I can't get excited about him anymore. He doesn't seem to care what affect it has on me. By the way, this also happened when our 18 year old daughter passed away from cancer. I feel so betrayed. He has apparently had feelings all his life. Why can't these people be honest from the start. I feel like an idiot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): My husband also cross-dresses. I've learned a great many things about it over the years. Here are the most important ones for a wife at your "stage of the game:"
-It's *very* unlikely that your husband is gay.
-He has been cross-dressing for a long time; perhaps since early childhood.
-Cross-dressers cannot just stop cross-dressing. They sometimes convince themselves that they can, and get rid of all the female trappings they have (unless he's using yours exclusively). This process is called "purging." It's common.
-His behavior when you appeared to be okay with his activities is also common. His quick escalation to make-up and full dress is a reaction to being let out of the closet. He has convinced himself that you are supportive because he needs to believe that.
-Cross-dressers are notoriously self-centered. It likely thrills him to bring you into this in a sexual way, but it's not about you. If you decide that you don't want to cooperate in the new sexual scenario, it won't stop him from doing it privately, and you are likely to find physical evidence of that as time goes by.
-If he ever tells you that he will stop (usually as a response to your demand), be aware that it will be extremely difficult for him, if not impossible. One of the reasons for cross-dressing is stress relief. The stress will find its way out in other ways--before he gives in to the need to dress again. By dressing as a woman, he enters what he thinks is an easier world (!?!). He sees a woman's life as sweet and taken-care-of and, well, easier than that of the "responsible" male he thinks he's supposed to be. (BTW, revealing his secret soon after your baby is born is also common, but I never figured out why that would be.)
-If you decide to stay with him, it will probably take you years to explain why you are so uncomfortable--even to yourself.
-His cross-dressing has little to do with you, in the sense that you will never be able to truly know what he feels like.
-Some men come out to their children, some don't. As parents, you both are responsible for your daughter's well-being. Which one of you is worried about that?
-As far as I can tell, gradual escalation of his need to appear female is inevitable. If he's not interested in transitioning to become female with hormones, etc., then there will likely be breast forms, wigs, waxing, etc. And eventual public appearances might also be in your future.
-As he ages, the sexual component of dressing often recedes, but the desire to dress often doesn't. You really are going to deal with this until old age.
-As I see it, the only positive response available to you is acceptance. You will find that there are even support groups for wives of cross-dressers. There are wives that enthusiastically support their CDing husbands; they shop with him and enjoy having him as a "girlfriend." They learn to separate the areas of their life together and have rules for when and where he can dress. They go to conventions where the men publicly dress as women and their wives are present.
Most importantly, you have the absolute right to every negative reaction you're having.
He removed your choice in the matter by not telling you he was a cross-dresser before marriage.
His unwillingness to honor your feelings about something that will affect your lives forever really is inexcusable.
By coming out of the closet to you, he puts you and your daughter in the closet.
You can get out of that closet by letting him fill it up with dresses and lingerie (with your acceptance and/or participation), but what will your daughter's role be? Or you can stay with your husband while you try to figure things out. Your other option is, of course, walking out of the closet door and out of the front door.
My experience (I let the second option just creep up on me)leads me to believe that you should choose absolute acceptance, or remove yourself from the situation. You, your husband, and your daughter are all very young. Decide what you want to do soon.
BTW--if you surf the Internet for information you will find plenty, but if you want to find other women who will justify your feelings and fears, you won't find many. What you will find are the women who will tell you how they cope, and also the wives who have never come to terms. (How do you think I found your post?)
I'm so sorry you have been forced to make this decision, and I wish you good luck. Be brave and do what you know is the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): He's not going to change. I went thru the same thing, I was not able to have anyone stop buy our house, I would have to make sure our son didn't just walk into our bedroom. The way to know that things are not going to change is when you tell him how it makes you feel, and you don't like it! And he still continues to do it knowing you are uncomfortable and unhappy. If that is the case He doesn't Love You, if He doesn't care if what he does makes you unhappy or doesn't care what you think of him!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 Women's undies are more comfortable . There are men who wear women's undies.
He has a fetish for woman's clothes or he could be a transsexual.A woman in a man's body. He maybe born a man but feels like a woman .He could be slowly finding his own sexuality.He is not gay or bi.(Google the word , 'transsexual' to learn more about their behaviors.)
Since , his behavior is only confined to the home, his case is not full blown yet or he would be dressing it all the time inside and outside the house.
You will have to accept and tolerate his behavior at home and let your daughter understand. It is not a kind of sickness but transsexuals are not made, they are born with this kind of bisexual behaviors.
You will have to be more understanding and hope that this is only a fad and he gets tired of it.
Some daughters can understand why their dads behave that way.I have friends who are transsexuals and their daughters accept their transsexual dads.
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A
male
reader, Transcowboy + ♥, writes (23 January 2008):
 It sounds like your husband has a need to dress like a woman. It may be that he just likes to do it and it wont go any farther or it could be that you husband is Transgendered and this is the first step. I would suggest going to therapy together. It will help alot. If you want to know more bout trangendered people or have any questions on the subject, feel free to email me, i will try to help you as much as i can.
Drew
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A
male
reader, jm81690 +, writes (23 January 2008):
 You need to sit down and talk with him, is there any way he could be gay or bisexual?
Also, as far as you sounding hypocritical, there's nothing hypocritical about that, I've got no problem with cross dressers, doesn't mean I would want to date one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): You need to just say it like you have written it here.
Backdoor play on a guy does NOT mean he is gay or bi though.
If it causes YOU concern then discuss it.
Dont hold back, say it like it is, explain what you have problems with and what you dont. xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): Quite frankly you should ask your husband if he is gay or bisexual. I am more than aware that many cross dressers are not neccessarily gay/bi, but your comment about the back door part of it causes concern.
Your husband may be keeping more from you than you think. You both are relatively young--it's not like a mid life crisis, but perhaps he is finally showing his true colours.
Time for a serious sit down and discussion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I think you need to let him know just how you feel. In the past you have gone along with it and therefore he probably thinks you are 100% ok about it all. Now, you are not, well, tell him all that you have told us and more. Let him know that this cannot go on because it isnt what you want the future to be like. Would you be ok about him dressing up less, or when your child is out of the house? You have to decide. Can you seriously go on in the future like this? Do you love him and maybe put up with this? If the answer to the last question is NO, then you need to seriously ask yourself if it is time to move on with your child. Sorry, but i do think that life is to short and you have needs too. You also have a say in how you want your future to be, and if this is not it, then sort it now.
take care
xx
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