A
female
age
,
*ceanlover
writes:My husband of 25 years has been using pornograpy off and on since we've been married and has always had problems keeping erections. Doctors have never found any physical problems. We've been to counseling and he says that he loves me but he just can't perform anymore. He's had depression issues and is on medication but says he always feels bad. He's 58-I'm 59. He says he can't sleep even though he takes sleeping meds and sleeps in another bedroom. He has a great job and always functions well there. I've done everthing possible to spice up our love life, but he just doesn't want to do anything. Our counselor says she is out of advice for me. Do I just give up on this marriage and move on?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Do both you and your husband a huge favor. Get a second opinion with a doctor. That seems like a large number of drugs to handle single symptoms. The antidepressants don't seem to be working. The sleep meds aren't or he'd be able to crash easier. Seek your opinion from a psychologist or maybe a neurologist. Something just isn't settling correctly when I see the drugs he takes and the behavior he has. Misdignosis or wrong medications can cause bahvior changes in individuals as well. It's time to find out what is really going on.
A
female
reader, Oceanlover +, writes (28 July 2008):
Oceanlover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband also claims to have sleep issues even though he takes prescription sleep meds along with his anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. He has been sleeping in a separate bedroom for 2 years and says he wants to come back to our bed but says he still can't sleep. He says that he never feels good and just wants to sleep. I think he just goes to another room to masterbate and be more distant. I really miss the closeness and he never seems to want to help himself out if this mess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): If he is truly addicted all this advice people are giving you is for nothing. A true porn addict will have no interest in actual sex. Pornography highjacks people's healthy sexuality (not all, but some). Go to npsupport.net you will find your answers there. If your husband is unwilling to get help for this affliction, you will have some tough decisions to make. His condition will progress if he continues to use pornography.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): My Lady....Please know that I am soo sorry that you are going through something sooo very hard. If you have examined every medical avenue, and he is still CHOOSING to use pornography as a stimulant, then, yes I would suggest moving on. In my personal beleife, pornograhpy is a form of adultry...Not all will agree with me, but that is my personal, and spiritural beleife. If any man respects you, he will not seek other women, (IE pornography) to satisfy his perverted needs. Just seek councle with your leagal, and spiritual councular, and anything that you do, do it with spiritual guiding...Please know that I will pray for you and this horrid situation.
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A
female
reader, bellasmommy +, writes (27 July 2008):
go to the store and buy something EXTREMELY sexy! Make him feel like he has no reason to look at porn. Do things like whisper in his ear.. just spice things up.. use a whip if you have to! good luck
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A
female
reader, Angela.B  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 Lots of men enjoy pornography, and using it "off and on" doesn't sound like an addiction to me. However much you may or may not like him doing so (and everyones opinions in it differ), having tolerated it for 25 years he is unlikely to see why he should stop now.
Of course, if his use of it has escalated to the point where he is sat looking at it online every night or whatever, then that's a different matter.
You say that you have been to counselling together, but has he received any counselling or help (other than medication) for his depression? Pills are fine, but they just mask the problem not cure it.
In fact, when it comes to being intimate not only does depression go a long way to killing any desire, the medication itself can as a side effect cause loss of libido etc.
It may seem that is at odds with his porn use, but it's not exactly the same thing as its solitary nature is far removed from intimacy.
But your question is should you give up on your marriage. Well, I'm sure you know that nobody other than you can make that decision. It certainly sounds like you have really tried to make it work, and only you can know if you can see something else that might be worth trying (and if your husband himself is willing to try it too).
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 July 2008):
Twenty five years and considering giving up? He's on meds but still feels bad. Go to the doctor and have the brand and dose evaluated.
Some antidepressants have a negative affect on the sex drive and the ability to keep it up. Depression can play a role in it as well. So can stress or worries.
Until recently I denied having thinning hair on the top of my head. My lovely daughters use to point it out. We were in a store last week with one of the beveled mirrors attached to the ceilng. I saw the infamous bald spot. It's a reminder that as I get older, changes will happen.
One of these changes could be what your husband is going through. He's in his 50's. His sense of self may be lower. Personal confidence may be decreasing. There is a way to negatively affect sexual function by worry and focusing on these changes. See, if he feels less attractive to himself, he will believe you see him as less attractive as well. These are mental tricks we play on ourselves. Although the thoughts may not be true, to the one who holds them it's reality.
I recommend a full psychological examination. Depression is sometimes an attached element to another issue. An examination will show if there is something greater which is housing the depression. Once you find out what's wrong, a plan to overcome this can begin.
Good luck.
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