A
female
age
41-50,
*inkieshadow01
writes:I was in an 8 year relationship that ended up abruptly because I wanted a future with him and he was unsure of what he wanted and didn't find it fair to me so he ended our relationship. I was heart broken, shocked and devastated because I thought we had a future and was blindsided by the outcome. Two months after the break up I met a man through friends of my sister @ a New Year's Eve party. We dated 4 months then got engaged and 1 month later we were married. During our brief courtship their were red flags but I just ignored them. When I said "I DO" i meant it and during the 1st year of our marriage i worked extremely hard and bent over backwards to find our common interests which to my discovery we have none. I still don't think that is a reason for divorce. It has been 2 more years and nothing has changed. He is a hard worker but we have no communication unless he is drunk and then the only communication is him verbally abusing me. The next day he forgets all the ugly things he said to me and acts normal. I have brought up counseling and therapy and he agrees but it never happens. We have no children together but he has 2 from 2 previous relationships but I can't bring a child into a hostil home. Three days ago I got home from work and he was already drunk. He wanted to go to his mother's house because his mom, brothers and cousin lives with a 10 minute drive from each other and drink daily so I think he wanted to be around that environment. I drove him down to his mothers because I didn't want to hear the abusive comments that would follow later into his drinking but unfortunately I heard them during the entire 45 min drive until I had enough and I began to argue back which I know is useless when someone is drunk. I am emotionally drained and unsure if I should file for divorce because I am committed to marriage but not sure if I can be committed to a unhappy marriage where i walk on eggshells daily wondering if he is going to be cranky or not. Does anyone have any suggestions??? PLEASE HELP
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female
reader, winkieshadow01 +, writes (27 December 2008):
winkieshadow01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you britt429 for reminding me how my relationship can turn into because I had been in an abusive relationship when I was younger & it always starts out with shouting, name calling, pushing then next thing you are the punching bag. I know you think you wasted 16 years of your life but I feel you actually gained your life back. I want to Thank you Again. Best Wishes
Smiles-THANK YOU so much. I have been in counseling for the past several months & she thinks I jumped into my marriage because of my previous situation its just nice to hear it from someone else as well. Your positive attitude towards life reminds me of the person I was during my 8year relationship. Although that one did not work I know I deserve respect & shouldn't expected anything less.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): I was in an abusive relationship for over 16 years, and the first 8 years were nothing compared to the last 8! His drug of choice wasn't alcohol though it was speed. But it doesn't really matter what it is, the abuse will escalate, believe me I know! He didn't hit me at first, just throwing things, breaking stuff, and so on. But less than two years into the marriage, he was choking me, pushing me, knocking me down...by the last 5 years, he was punching the crap out of me. He started punching me in the head a lot, so not to leave visible bruises. But I had plenty of black eyes, bruises on my arms and legs, a broken nose, fractured ribs (3 times) Why did I stay so long? I quess, he convinced me I didn't deserve better. My self respect and esteem were nonexistent! I left him many times, but always went back for more, because I felt sorry for him. I finally left for good when he threw me down on the floor and stomped on my chest. I couldn't breath and thought I was going to die. That's when I realized He Was Going To Kill Me one of these days! I divorced him, finally, but 16 years of my life was gone and I would never get it back. I did, however regain my self respect and self esteem with a lot of counseling and battered women groups. I vowed NEVER to let another man even speak to me disrespectfully, let alone, put his hands on me! I should have left for good the first time he verbally abused me! Men like that don't change! Don't let it get to the point that he is physically abusing you the previous poster is right...the verbal abuse stays with you a lot longer than the physical, but then again the physical can kill you!
I wish everyone could learn from my experiences, so no one would have to go through what I did, but of course that's wishful thinking.
Don't waste years of your life hoping he is going to change! Get help for yourself now! No Matter how he makes you feel, You don't deserve to be treated badly. You deserve so much more!
Good Luck and Keep us posted!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Dear Poster
It is always sad to hear that somebody is experiencing abuse. You don't have to accept this. You have to focus on yourself; your happiness and your future. If you are not compatible it might not be worth trying to save this marriage. I suggest that you have a serious talk to him when he is sober; explain to him how you feel; if you both want to save the marriage, you have to give him an ultimatum, counseling or you are gone; but to me it sounds as if there are more trouble then just the abuse; in which instance, I suggest you go for counseling on your own first and establish with the guidance of your counselor if this marriage have a future. I urge you to think about yourself and your happiness, not just now, but LONGTERM.
Think carefully about your life and FUTURE. Don't allow the abuse to continue. It is degrading and is not good for your self esteem. If he does not adhere to your request to stop and to get help, get away from him; end the marriage, the sooner the better. As suggested, I do believe you will personally benefit from counseling. It will help you to get a better perspective and to focus on yourself and your future.
You have my empathy and yes, it will not be easy, but don't delay and live with this agony.
You deserve happiness, somebody that values you, loves you and respects you.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
You are not alone; we are here for you.Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, winkieshadow01 +, writes (26 December 2008):
winkieshadow01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you confusedgf1973 & emilysanswers for your responses. I did contact my husband because he is still @ his mother's house since this happened. I could hear it in his voice that he had no idea anything he said or done. When i mentioned some of the things he said all he could do was apologize & he was sorry. I accepted his apology but told him I didnt know if this marriage was something I could continue. He just said to let him know so he could call his job & have them find a replacement. I don't know if he was happy or sad because his tone of voice never changed. He didnt seem to care either way. I think that answers my question. What do you think?
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A
female
reader, confusedgf1973 +, writes (26 December 2008):
I was in a similar situation when I was married. I will tell you, the longer I stayed in it, the less I liked myself. You have to come first, period, no matter what. If he is verbally abusive, that is worse than physical and physical hurts for a short time and emotional and mental abuse can hurt for a lifetime. Drunks can get help and overcome thier alcholism, but that takes time. Typically the abuse is from the alcohol, sometimes not, it is just intensified by alcohol. I would say you need to seperate from him and while you are seperated, go to marriage counsling and if he is not ready, then you do not take him back until he is ready. You cannot change people, they have to be willing to change themselves. But most importantly, think of yourself. Do you like yourself right now? Can you take a look in the mirror and say you love your life? He is a huge part of your life and for him to be abusive and drinking all the time, then he is not happy in his life. Can you see yourself happy with this life in 5 or maybe 10 yrs? Things to think about.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 December 2008):
If you knew him and knew that he had a better side and there had been happy times then I would tell you to stick it out and physically take him for counselling.
But to be honest I think this is who he is and it's just a shame that you actually got to know him after you got married.
Your rebound relationship suddenly became legally binding and to be honest I think that was a mistake.
Don't think of it as a divorce. Think of it as an annulment because you go married far too fast. If you hadn't made vows in a church then you would have been out of there ages ago.
Admit to yourself that the wedding was a mistake and then rectify the situation and start again.
Good Luck!! xx
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