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My husband has a big crush on my best friend!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 November 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 23 November 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, *ifey2006 writes:

My Husband and i have been married for 5 years now. For the most part it has been really good and very trust worthy. he is in the military and travels alot So trust is very important to both of us.

He has never given me a reason to not to trust him and feel betrayed.

But about a year an a half ago for his birthday him and i decided to try and have a 3-some with my best friend that i knew he was attracted to. she had already had a 3-some a few times with other ppl so we knew she would be fine with it and she ended up bringing a male friend with her to help us be more comfortible with it. well we ended up not having the 3-some just having sex by ourselfs and watching the other couple and they did the same and just watched us.

my husband is still very attracted to her, has pictures and looks at them often. even after i have deleted them more then a few times. he still recovers them and looks at them. this past week told he has a big crush on her and that he really likes her but would never act on them because he loves me and doesnt want to mess up everything he has with me.

i already knew he liked her alot, its not hard to tell when someone has a crush on someone else. But

i feel really hurt and betrayed by him liking her more then a little bit. i feel like i cant trust him around her any more because he will just have fantasize's about her and not of me. i know its normal for someone to have a lil crush on another person.

But where is the line of crushing on someone to much when your married?

if we were just dating then i would have no problem dumping him. but he is my husband and my best friend and he has been very open with me from the very first time he thought about her in that way.

i thought it would just go aways But sthi fantasy hasnt gone away and now he has a big crush on her.

we have talked about it alot but i still feel betrayed and really hurt. he knows that im feeling this way but he doesnt know what to do to help me feel better.

what would be the best thing for me to do now?


View related questions: best friend, crush, military

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010):

When you realised he had a little crush on your friend. It might have been better to have politely ignored it and hoped it would fizzle out. Rather than arrange a threesome with her. I really dont get your thinking there. You can hardly blame him for still harbouring an attraction. And possibly to his way of were ok with them having sex so you should be ok with him carrying a few pics.

As things didnt go to plan and he ended up with you that night. He might be suffering from unfinished 'business'. Still wanting to have the sex with her that he didnt get on the night in question. If you really love each other and want to get past this, it might be a good idea to try couples counselling and work through your issues. Suggesting he sleeps with her to see if it gets her out of his system, might back fire on you. So i wouldnt suggest that to him. Try and leave her out of this and concentrate on you and your husband mending things between you.

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A male reader, escribanus New Zealand +, writes (22 November 2010):

escribanus agony auntYours is a very hard sittuation. You have opened a door that droves you to a weird land. I think there are at least two ways: 1) Ask him to fight agains that idea. 2) Play blind and let him to deal with it. 3) Allow him to fulfill his fantasy but warn him that you will also do the same. 4) Became poligamus.

optino 1: A forbiden idea is very resistant and can poison your huby's soul during a long time until it explotes.

option 2. The problem is that he has told you, it means something is seriously broken between you. On this option you will play the card of regaining his love and respect again, just like you were new and different people.

Option 3.Most of the fantasies goes grey and boring once you achieve. But there is a risk, the might find themselves as perfect lovers.

4. You can get used to the Idea of sharing him with your best friend.

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (22 November 2010):

dirtball agony auntOuch. Ok. On the positive side, it's great that you two are openly discussing this. Communication is so important and often gets tossed out. That's a great sign for being able to work past this.

I'm not sure what you can do. He has to get over this crush, but he has to want to do it. Hmmm, have you told this friend about your hubby's crush? Maybe she could talk to him and tell him she isn't now, and will never be, interested in him. Then again, that's an awkward conversation for everyone involved.

Perhaps some marriage councelling will help. The fact that he's keeping pictures of her isn't healthy. Dwelling on his crush makes it worse. He needs to cut her out of his life to move on. Can you deal with cutting her out of your life too?

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