A
female
age
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*absjrp
writes:I am back, with a little more problems and I got to the point that I do not know what to do (again!!!!).Now my bully husband does not talk to our son, does not want to do anything with him. We were back to our couple's therapy and left with the compromise to respect and try to save the marriage. What a joke! How can I respect a man that is 52 years old that does not want to do anything with his own son, because he is been a teenager?Look for a divorce lawyer? Leave with all the pets and son? Go back to NY where I have some good friends? Stop my college education to be able to get a full time job?By the way I am a freelance translator and work comes, but not as much as I desire. So my question is still the same: what to do?Thank you for all the help you've already gave me. Jane
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female
reader, tabsjrp +, writes (12 July 2011):
tabsjrp is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, guys. Your advices are very helpful to me, because they are helping me to make up my mind, reading other people points of view on my problems. My therapist gives me other type of advice because she also knows my husband and my son.Even though she "shakes" me with what she says to me, during a session and that is good too. Now we are having a session between my husband's therapist, my own, me and my husband. I am just hoping that I can put out my cards and have still a place to live until I finish college. Thanks again to all, tabsjrp
A
female
reader, tabsjrp +, writes (12 July 2011):
tabsjrp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour answers help me a lot, because it seems I just made some friends that understand what I am going through. As it is, I am getting all the responses and balancing them out, trying to make up my mind. I did not want to go to the divorce track, after 21 years of marriage. My therapist proposed a meeting with my husband's therapist, my husband, me and herself. I already prepared her to put aside 2 hours. That will be a looooong session. My therapist and my husband's are in the same practice. We think that my husband does not tell his therapist how he is with us, neither what he does. When he talks about my son and I he probably talks only about the problems "WE" are giving him.How fair! So I believe we, this time, will take the whole laundry to be washed at the clinic. Thank you all, for your assistance. It's really and profoundly appreciated. Tabsjrp
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A
female
reader, tabsjrp +, writes (12 July 2011):
tabsjrp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst posting: Thank you for any feedback you can give, since you are a male. Maybe now you would understand about the problems I have been posting.I feel, when I read or listen some of these question, very awkward: husband/boy friend cheating, girls and wives cheating, etc.My situation is a little different from those: I have been marriage for 21 years (23 yrs. together, 1 son 16 years old, going through his own battles of adolescence).My husband has some psychological problems: likes to wear women's lingerie, as well as other "kinky" behaviors. After so many years of trying to accept those behaviors and his emotional a psychological abuse, I do not feel like having sex with him at all. Our last couple's therapy was a blast; finally I put the cards on the table, and was very truthful on those regards. I do not feel comfortable, because he is a "bully" and some wants to have sex *he calls it "making love"). I do not know where "love" is in our relationship.Could I get some advice? HELP!!! Thank you all, tabsjpr
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (12 July 2011):
 Can you link to your first question on this site, if there is more background info on it? No one here reads every question, so if the whole situation isn't all in one post, we can't give complete answers. With that said, I'll try to help from just what is here now.
First, divorce is an absolute last resort, if for no other reason than for the damage it can do to your son. Keep workign on fixing your marriage.
Frequently, with couples counseling, the husband feels that the counselor is only saying what the wife wants to hear, and dumping all the problems on the husband - or, worse, serve only as a farcical prelude to divorce. While I tend to believe that's true, whether it's accurate or not does not matter. What matters is how he perceives it. If he thinks it was only a venue to dump on him, he will resent it, and that will carry to other parts of the marriage. Talk to him about how he felt about it, calmly and non-judgmentally.
When two people get so set on fighting - whether that's you and your husband, or your son and your husband - it's easy to lose track on the mutual goal of "being happy" and focusing instead on "winning" the argument. This is an inherent flaw in human nature, not a conscious decision to be vindictive, and everyone needs to take responsibility for their own self-control, not for others'. The next time you talk to him about your marital issues, rather than focusing on what he's saying to you, focus instead on how he may be perceiving what you are saying. What might sound perfectly reasonable on paper, or in your head, could very well come across as demeaning and insulting to him. How and why that happens is unimportant; what matters is that if it's happening, you need to find a workaround.
When you think you've figured out where some of your miscommunication has been, present it to him as a peace offering. For example, "A while ago when I told you to spend more time with our son, I realize the way I said it may have come across as insulting. I wasn't trying to do that, so in the future, how could I ask you to spend more time with our son in a way that would work for you?" You should probably use a smaller issue to start with and work up to the big ones, but you get the idea. By identifying and offering to fix something *you* have done wrong, and to do it for no other reason than to make his life better, you're taking the first positive steps for the marriage, and inviting him to take those steps with you.
The hope would be that, after you've done that a few times, he would start volunteering his own things. Be patient, and in the meantime, don't start any fights or respond to provocation. Fights are fine when they lead to hot makeup sex, not when they lead to lingering resentment.
I would suggest focusing on *your* relationship with him, and building harmony and teamwork there, before trying to control or guide the way he relates to his son. Interfering too much would make it seem forced, but if he can be more relaxed and content in his life in general, he will be in a better place to try and be a father. The best way you can help him and yourself is to work on the marriage. The best gift you can give your son is two parents who love each other. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): 'Look for a divorce lawyer? Leave with all the pets and son? Go back to NY where I have some good friends? Stop my college education to be able to get a full time job?'
YES. YES. YES. If that's what it takes.
If your husband is a bully then he's actually doing your son and you a favour by having nothing to do with him (even if it doesn't seem that way). Can you imagine the hell he'd be going through (your son) if his father was a tyrant and insisted on seeing him?
Don't give your husband a head's up. Plan your exit startegy and make your move.
Best of luck.
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