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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Me and my husband have been married 3 years now. We love each other to bits and I want to have a child with him. However the last couple of months my husband has been luke warm of the idea. When I eventually got him to open up about it he told me he heard of someone at work who's brother in law had sexually abused his child as he didn't know how else to show love to his child. My husband then broke down as he thinks he is going to be exactly the same as that man. I told him that was rubbish and that he will make a wondeful dad. That was a few days ago and he's still feeling apprehensive. I've know my husbands parents and they both adore him and he has never shown signs of being violent or abusive. How can I get him out of this worry and anxiety?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): Hi I'm the person who submitted the question. My husband has agreed to counselling and even says he'll get me to help him wherever possible. He's says hopefully, he'll be able to become a good dad, when the time comes.Thanks guys
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (21 November 2007):
 Hi. I am sure this has come as surprise. You need a little time to understand what he has said. Posting on website was good idea - as will help you.
As Irish49 has pointed out - by its nature, his statement/excuse is without doubt genuine. He has broken down and told you. I would be surprised if you are able to get anymore from him, in fact I would question if it is wise to try. Might cause more problems. He already has this major conflict going on in his head - he has more now. There'll be anxiety over you, your concerns, the marriage and your disappointment (not your fault, I'm just highlighting the implications of his honesty to you). Counselling, or more suitably therapy, is up to him. So to answer your question, you could suggest professional help to him, but I think the best advice I can give you is to accept what he has said (you might not be happy with it) and don't put anymore pressure on him. If children are very important to you - then maybe you will need to seriously re-consider your future. This is desperately unfair on you I know - and at some point you are likely to feel anger towards him for creating this problem /not telling you before your marriage. Of course, it's not his fault either, just his problem, although it could be argued he could have warned you in advance that he couldn't have kids. With all the implications of what has been said, you both may wish to consider "relationship counselling" which might be far more beneficial than trying to treat his problem.
If you have found his website supportive, keep using it for different aspects of the problem you both have, because there won't be many places where you can "discuss" this issue. Very good luck to both of you. Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): Sit up and take note, dear. How much more clearer is this? This is not the typical excuse to put off the responsibility of being a Father. If a man who is telling you that he 'may abuse the kids himself' that is a huge red flag, isn't it. When a guy is genuinely afraid of the parenting responsibility, he likely would say, "I am not mature enough, or it's a scary responsibility or I just don't think I'm ready, wait until we are more financially set up" That is what usually is said. Your husband didn't do that, did he. I cannot impress upon you enough! You need to get to the bottom of this. This is very serious. As suggested below me, I really, really think you should have him go to counseling. And for goodness sakes, do not get pregnant. I wish you the best, hun..and please be strong. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): That is strange that your husband related to this other man despite your husband showing no signs of violence previously. He must have latched on to something the person said about the guy who abused his child, identified with it then jumped to the conclusion that he would turn out the same. This is normal though if it is just pre-baby fears. It is also possible that something happened to him when he was a child, maybe you should gently broach it with him, making sure not to be patronising. There is of course the possibility that he feels forced into having a child with you and has felt trapped into giving an outlandish reason why you shouldn't do it. Talk to him openly and don't be threatening or pushy and I think you'll find that it's just jitters. R
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Counseling.
Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Listen to what he said. If he is afraid he is going to do something like that, don't have kids.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (20 November 2007):
 This is a difficult situation and as he has fears over this he really needs some professional help and alot of support. this incident has affected him badly and I can only assume its opened up some thing from the past. Once again Im going to suggest coucilling, he needs to talk this through with someone completly objective and Im sorry but in this case it isnt you. Have a chat with him, he seams an honest guy and Im sure he will agree to at least meet the coucillor.
Good luck, I hope you two can work this out together xxxx
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