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My husband doesn't pay me compliments because, he says, I don't accept them. I feel ignored and unattractive.

Tagged as: Faded love, Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 April 2008) 7 Answers - (Newest, 12 July 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband and I have been married 10yerars and have beautiful children. I get upset because my husband never compliments me...ever....yet he often has eyes for other women when we are out and enjoys looking at the women in porn....I have told him I would like him to compliment me occasionally and he used some excuse that " i dont accept his compliments' which is not true....I would just love it to be complimeted sometimes...I know it must sound trivial but it hurts when he compliments other women with his eyes frequently (and masturbating over women in porn) but barely looks at me even when I go to considerable effort with my appearance.

I feel like and old hag, ignored and unattractive....and must admit I enjoy any attention I get from other men....do I just accept that it is normal for husbands to be like this especially after many years of marriage and a few kids? and just resign myself to this?

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A female reader, anita2810 United Kingdom +, writes (12 July 2010):

Hi. I know exactly how you feel. I have been with my partner for 16 years and we have a son together.

I keep myself fit and look after myself and am confident in the way I look. I am paid compliments by people I work with and sometimes complete strangers so I know I look good.

In the 16 years we have been together (apart from the "honeymoon period" at the beginning of our relationship - probably 6 months - I can count the number of compliments on one hand that he has given me.

I have come to accept this and, sadly, no longer care what he thinks of how I look because I have had years of feeling like he doesn't care about it either. I am fit, healthy, happy and I know I look good so I don't ask him for affirmations anymore.

Be confident in yourself and don't rely on the compliments of others - no matter how much you love them - love yourself more. x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008):

I am in exactly the same position as you are right now, and no we should not accept it. It is simply not good enough. I didn't get married to spend my life being ignored or second best to anybody else. If he didn't want to be with me then he shouldn't have married me and definately should not have agreed to have children with me, because in the end they are the ones to suffer for his mistakes. I say his mistakes because I did want to marry him and at the time I wanted to spend the rest of my lfe with him, but not any more, not like this. I can honestly say that I have never been so miserable.

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A female reader, IamLily India +, writes (13 April 2008):

IamLily agony auntI think your husband needs lots fo learning abut winning your heart. Why dont you send this link to your husband. If he goes through it, I am sure he will change.

This is from book 'How to win Heart of your wife".

http://www.howtowin.in/free-books/how-to-win-heart-of-your-wife/index.html

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (13 April 2008):

eddie agony auntWithout knowing all the dynamics of your marriage it's hard to say what the main issues are. Marriage is not supposed to be perfect all the time and always requires maintenance.

What you're going through now is the beginning of a potential downward slide. You will begin to build more resentment toward your husband and seek attention elsewhere. You need to talk to him and perhaps a couple's therapist to work these issues out while there is still some amount of love in the relationship.

Also, in order for this type of thing to work and seem genuine, you need your partner to understand what they are not giving you. I'm sure you don't want his compliments to be mechanical and fake. What you're hoping for is that he remembers what attracted him to you in the first place and rekindle those thoughts. In other words, you want his flattery to be genuine.

How is your sex life? What attention have you received form other men that makes you feel good?

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A male reader, madflash United States +, writes (13 April 2008):

madflash agony auntI've got an idea that's WAY out there, but it requires considerable work on your part... and a ton of courage. I think you will get something out of this, however, and your husband will be the luckiest husband ever. I'm certain he would never stop praising you and complimenting you if you actually accomplished something like this. It's rather mindblowing.

Here it is...

Buy some lingerie he has never seen before, wear a wig and one of those Mardi Gras masks, and make your own masturbation tape in a setting he will not recognize. (Maybe just in front of a sheet on a sheet covered sofa).

Then grab an old shopping bag and fill it with half a dozen old vhs tapes, putting your own little production with the hand written title of 'my home porn' in the bag with 'finding nemo', 'the Godfather', or whatever other old tapes you could scavenge. Then bring the bag in the house when he's home and say you found it discarded in the street... mixed in a garbage bag with dishes or some other second hand clothes might add to the scam. Look through the tapes 'you found' with him in the same room and read the titles as you pull them out.

I guarantee that he will want to see that tape entitled 'my home porn' right away, and you can express a healthy 'curiosity' as well.

See if he masturbates to that! And when he does... enjoy the compliment. (If he really does not know it's you, how will that make you feel?)

The disguise must be a good one. If he recognizes you it will ruin all your work. Also, the scene you tape should be no longer than four or five minutes, somewhat raunchy--as opposed to lovey dovey romantic crap--and something not in character for you at all. You won't be able to moan in case he recognizes your voice. Don't let him know it's you, so don't do anything he'd recognize. You would have to do something wild too--using a toy he's never seen on yourself and striking some poses he's not used to seeing you in for starters. This is something no husband would ever suspect, so he shouldn't recognize you if you do it right.

Afterward, maybe minutes, days, weeks or months, you can reveal your secret--if he's deserving--by wearing that same disguise for him in person.

Best wishes... and, if you decide to try this, tell your hubby after he's been smiling for a week or so that he can sign on here and write me a personal thank you letter.

Madflash

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (13 April 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou could be having a mid life crisis..

Marriage life falling into the rut and everything like routine .

He takes you for granted and the romance flew out through the windows.

You need to know if you are still attractive and sexy to men.

Some women would just resign to this boring life while

others would try to spice up their romance and love life.

A romantic holiday to some enchanting place may perk up your romance and feelings for each other.

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A male reader, agonyunclechris United Kingdom +, writes (13 April 2008):

agonyunclechris agony aunthi. i am only a teenage boy but i know this is NOT right and Not acceptable. what you are saying is not pathetic. i understand thoes few words can mean sooo much.maybe he needs to be put right now before it does any more damadge.also have you considered leaving him and finding another man who appreciates you ?

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