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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My husband has had a very negative attitude towards my sister’s decision to have a kid on her own. She bought sperm and paid for an IVF treatment in a private clinic. There were no tests, no counseling as if she were paying for a paint job.I understand his reasons. She’s 42 has no permanent job, has no partner or family, apart from me. Our parents are dead and we have no aunts, uncles, cousins… She did it because she doesn’t want to be alone. She waited for Mr. Right for over 20 years. She has never had a relationship, because she has always chased unavailable men, most of them were very married with kids.I said that I understand my husband’s reasons, not only do I understand them, I agree with him, BUT I do not express my opinions. I mean I don’t refuse to talk to him, but I certainly do not constantly repeat what I think to my sister. It’s her life, her decision and even if we do not agree on this one, I am supportive.My husband thinks that she’s selfish and spoilt and that she doesn’t know what responsibility is. And he’s right. When she moved out at 25, our parents continued to support her financially, paying her rent, while she spent her money on fun stuff. She has never had a pet, let alone cared for someone. When our mother was dying, she was too busy chasing after a guy to be there for her. You get the picture.But, the kid is now a fact and if everything goes well he or she will be born in April next year and I know that my husband will be cordial with her, BUT I don’t know how to help him realize that it’s none of our business, because he fears that she will make it our business.She has already said a few times how lucky she is to have us in case she needs to work, she would have someone to leave her child with. FYI we live in different states. So her idea is to literarily LEAVE her kid(s) with us for a period of time if need be. I have told her in no uncertain terms that we would not accept that kind of a responsibility. But, my husband is right. Whenever she’s in a tight spot, she calls us. I always thought that we had to cut her some slack, because for whatever the reason she IS alone, while we have each other. But I must admit that sometimes she has been abusing this sisterhood thing, while giving very little to nothing back.I have noticed that ever since she got pregnant, she constantly complains how her friends are not more “there for her”. They are never enough happy for her, worried about her… they never fuss enough over her, etc. I keep telling her that she cannot have that kind of expectations from her friends, but I see that she needs (and wants) the attention. First, she said that she didn’t want anybody to know until it became obvious and 24h later she told everyone! I cannot imagine what it is like to go though pregnancy without a partner, but she knew what she was getting into. No friend will be able to go with her to every ultra-sound or carry her grocery bags every day. It sucks.I guess what I am asking is how do we find some balance?I agree with my husband in theory, but what’s done is done.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2020): I'm he original OP.
Thank you for your answers.
I just want to apologize for not making one thing clear. Before she got pregnant I DID tell her what I thought. I was brutally honest. But, now when things are what they are, I cannot keep repeating all the things that I had said every time I talk to her.
I'm supportive in the sense that I do not put her down and I do want to talk about serious stuff (doctor appointments, looking for work etc.), I just do not want to be negative all the time.
I cannot stop talking to her.
Anyway, I have firmly decided that her kid won't be our problem. I won't let her make it our problem.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2020): You're in the middle because you choose to be. Your sister expects you to be her back up despite the fact that you live in a different state. From what I glean from your letter you have told your sister no in the past but you also "cut her some slack" which means you continue to enable her. If I'm right your husband has a legitimate reason to be worried. When and if your sister gets into a jam and wants to drop her kid off you're going to again "cut her some slack" and then your sister's problem will be your problem and your husband's problem.
At some point your taking your sister's side over your husband is going to damage your marriage. Maybe it's time you stop trying to strike a balance and do what's right for your family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): Typo: au pair
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): Typo correction:
"His straightforwardness about it is an open testimony to the fact that he is beginning to tire of this matter with your sister; and having to deal with it for your sake."
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): It seems hypocritical, or fake, to be supportive of something you really don't agree to. It's one thing to remain neutral, while minding your own business; but the pretense of being supportive, when your feelings are totally the opposite. How is that honest? Never leaving a full-grown woman to deal with the consequences of her own actions; and forever pulling the "concerned-sister" card on your husband!
At least your husband is forthright with his opinions; not that it matters to your sister, if she's hellbent on doing what she wants to do. It's her life, her body, and her choice to make. At least she's deliberate about why and how she wants to do it. So...let her do it, and let her take full responsibility for it. Financially, morally, and legally!
This isn't a rubber doll, it's a human being. Your husband realizes somehow this baby is going to become his responsibility. I would never condone or suggest anyone to be apathetic, inhuman, or refuse to show compassion towards another human being. There is a time when you step out of the way. Be there in a crisis, not every-time she impetuously screws-up her life. She's not 15!!!
You've been an enabler; and she has always had others to cleanup after her, or bail her out of a mess. Not sure why you're complaining now? Even more confused why you're putting your marriage in jeopardy over your 40-something year-old irresponsible sister???
If she doesn't keep steady employment or have a stable life; how could she afford IVF procedure? Who's going to be her financial-support in-between jobs? The world is undergoing a Covid-pandemic.
I think your husband and her friends are the only ones being honest with her. You've never been honest; so she knows she can always count on sis when she goes and makes a tremendous mess of her life. You're forgetting how this impacts your marriage. Husbands can be loving and patient; but not every man has the patience of Job, and nerves of steel.
His straightforwardness about it is a open testimony to the fact that he is beginning to tire of this matter with your sister; and having to deal with it for your sake. You are pushing the envelope. Then claiming how you agree with your husband, but jumping to her rescue when she recklessly does something foolish. Just how long do you think he'll play this game with you two?
Your sister has decided to be a single-mother. Then let her discover fully what that means. When she calls, wish her well; and suggest she seek help from social services. Stay out of her business. Find an aux pair, or a reliable sitter she can trust to watch her infant when she's at work. Single-mothers survive on their own. Relying very little on anyone; but God, their wit, courage, and their own resources. Maybe she's more capable than you might think. You've never given her a chance to prove otherwise. Have you, really?!!
You can be a loving sister without being her ATM; and following her with a broom, shovel, and a bucket. You're not caught in the middle. You are where you want to be, dragging your husband into the middle of it! You're beginning to see your husband losing patience with you; and this constant agitation from your sister. He's the one in the middle, my dear! Not you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 August 2020):
 Sit your husband down and tell him HOW you feel. That you agree 100% with him, that you don't feel you OWE your sister to take care or raise this child and that you will NOT be guilted into taking the child "IF" she has to work. That you 100% believe this child is your sister's responsibility.
BUT I would also tell him that SHE is both responsible for her choices and actions and you have absolutely no control there. That you feel it's really none of your business.
Now is he concerned that she will dump this kid on you two? Because she KNOW you two will bail her out? Because you have in the past?
Her being alone is ALSO her choice. While I get you feel sorry for her, it's another thing you can not control.
Talk to him but also STICK to your guns when it comes to your sister. If that is truly how you feel.
I have a good friend who had a sperm donor baby at age 39. Her family LOVES the kiddo, SHE loves the kiddo and she is an excellent mom. She did FIND a partner AFTER she had her daughter and they seem to work out.
I get that you feel she is being selfish in having a child all by herself, just remember this will be your niece or nephew. Regardless of how irresponsible you feel your sister is, this is an innocent child.
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