A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I mantain my self-esteem when my husband does not find me attractive? I have been married for over 20 years and my husband is currently going through a midlife crisis. Throughout our marriage, I have been the one to initiate sex. My husband is usually not interested. His lack of interest and rejection has been difficult throughout our marriage but, since we have committed to a life together with kids, we have created a decent marriage. The excuses for his low libido have included being over-worked, depressed, and (lastly) he thinks he may have made a mistake marrying me to begin with. Not because we aren't compatible, but because he is not attracted to me. He is not gay and has, at times, been interested in watching porn by himself. I am almost the same size as the day we were married (5'9'' and 140 pounds). I have never been overweight and work out at the gym three times a week. My husband has been overweight for most of our marriage though in the last year has lost 50 pounds and is also working out at the gym. I have always tried to make him feel wanted and attractive and tried to keep myself desirable. He currently is trying to sort things out and decide what he wants to do with the rest of his life. I feel cheated!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): i have been married for a year and ave gained weight and my husband doesnt find me attractive - he doenst realy love me, he loves his fanily more and i dont like his family cause they dont like me and doenst wnat us to be together and happyand he secretly talks to them and for hours and knows i hate thatbut he doenst find me attractiveso welcome to the club
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): IM sorry but it sounds like he is seeing someone else. You deserve much better, dont just stay with him fr the kids sake
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): I did not mention the specific advice given but I did take it all in, especially from the men who responded since I am dealing with a man.
Thank you Perioman for suggesting that my husband seek counseling. My husband's entire family struggles with depression. Six years ago my husband's brother committed suicide. His sister has also made suicide attempts and, several years ago, my husband's uncle killed himself. I can not explain the pain involved with losing a loved one through suicide so I am going to heed your advise and try to remain supportive. Unfortunately, the rest is out of my hands.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Thank you to all who wrote to offer understanding and advice. I was amazed to read the amount of support that my husband received. That has helped me be a bit more understanding toward him these past few days. I also think this event has thrown me into a small mid-life crisis of my own. I have one daughter in college and twins that will be headed off to college in less than 2 years. I have always been very affection with them. My daughters and I are always cuddling and my son is also very affectionate with me. My husband is rarely receptive to my affection and I feel that I won't have anyone to hug and hold once my kids are gone. I have had long talks with my husband who says he would like to work on this but, so far, nothing. I do not try to initiate too much contact because this pushes him away. Since I know that he is not attracted to me and remains unaffectionate, I feel like our marriage is doomed. If I show him affection and get rejected, this makes me upset and angry and leads to most of our fights. For now I am trying to avoid this but it seems to separate us further because he has no interest in me. I think that he tells me he wants to work on his problems as a way to pacify me. Anyway, thank you to all that responded. Your support has been very helpful!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): Just give him his space, and realize that you're beautiful, your weight sounds great for being 5'9" tall. I would just act to him like maybe you made a mistake too, keep him in line. If he keeps pushing his issues on you, I might threaten to leave him. But that's me, if I feel cheated I don't put up with it.
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (8 October 2007):
 There's a lot of info on the internet about midlife crisis. That will help you to understand what your husband is going though. That's helpful so that you won't allow his issues to become yours. You need to establish your boundaries so his problems don't bleed into you. It is possible to be supportive without out becoming a sucker.
Also, there is a big difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone. I see attractive people every single day. I am not the least bit attracted to any of them. I am the kind of person that needs emotional interaction before any kind of attraction can occur, but it took time for me to figure that out. *shoulder shrug* But that's me. My point is, you sound attractive and there are people out there that would, indeed, be attracted to you. It sounds like (sadly) your husband has not been attracted to you from early on, but do NOT think for one moment that this is the result of something that you did or did not do. For that matter, your husband's fault likes not in his not being attracted to you (he can't manipulate that anymore than you can). If he knew he was not attracted to you before you two married, and he married you anyway, that was deception ... because sex is a part of the marital contract and attraction is an integral part of rewarding sex.
Finally, you feel cheated. I don't blame you; I would, too. Your self esteem, however, is something that you have to develop on your own, not in relationship to someone else. I am just learning this myself, so am in no position to teach you how. You go right on ahead an exercise, etc. I know how crucial my workout is to keep depression at bay, kicking up the endorphins, etc. It is not necessarily about vanity but if it was, so what? You cannot support other people (no matter how much you love them) in their times of crisis if you're falling apart yourself. So, do take care of you. Do not allow someone else's view that you're selfish and unsupportive of your husband during his crisis make you doubt yourself. If you know what you need, and you're taking care of it, that makes you more evolved than a lot of us.
Good luck to you. Chin up. Sometimes when one grows and the other wallows, the relationship has to end. Sad, but true.
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A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (8 October 2007):
 First I would like to say, "Excuses are like assholes everyone has one." There are men, I bet, who area reading this and saying "after 20 years of marriage, I wish my spouse would do half what you do to maintain yourself" Having kids and being 140 pounds, that's amazing. You should be proud of what you have been able to do.
Now let's look at the issue, since we've all ready determined you're attractive. Mid life crisis. Quite a few issues, but not dealing with you. His pinning it on not being attractive is an excuse. If we don't know what the issue is, we make one up. It sounds like he's going through a rough time. Wondering why some goals and dreams haven't become reality. Maybe there's something he really wanted to accomplish, and is kicking himself for not doing so. Too often we fall into the trap of "could have, would have, should have." We can literally drown in those three statements.
I have done that. I went to a military school, and if I would have stayed for my last year of high school, instead of finishing up in a public school, my parents were going to sent me to 2 years and one summer at the "guitar institute of technology" located in Hollywood, CA.
I am now 36 years old and recording my first CD. I could have done that 15 years ago, just by spending one more year in the school I actually ended up missing the friendships I had made there.
If I had done that, I may not have the 4 wonderful children I have now. They have brought many blessings to my life. I may not have gone back to college, which I finish in 60 days, working in the legal field with children of child abused homes.
Even though we could have, should have, would have, and our lives may have taken a slightly different direction from our earlier dreams, we are still blessed with what we do have. We need to spend our time appreciating now, and not living in the past.
I'm sorry he's behaving this way. Just remember through this trial, your self esteem is yours, your character is yours. I always tell people someone can come in my home and steel everything I have, all my belongings and leave me on the street naked, but one thing they can never steel is who I am. Be who you are, don't let his behavior change that, live for you then share with others.
Take care.
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