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My husband chooses his friends over me. Why?

Tagged as: Friends, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 January 2006) 3 Answers - (Newest, 3 February 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

Hi, I have been with my husband for 6 years and married for one year. I love my husband and he loves me. We have lots of friends and everyone gets along really well. However my husband seems to have four other guy friends, that I can't get along with. They show me no respect, always try to take my husband out and away from me, they go to his work just as he finishes so that he doesn't come home for hours, they don't acknoledge me and are very rude. They convince him to sneak out, they turn up late at night, they expect him to spend every Friday and Saturday night with them. They are younger than us and are having a huge influence on our marriage. I have confronted my husband time and time again, however he feels that I am nagging and carrying on about nothing - he can't seem to see or understand the affect they have on me. He choses to spend all his free time with them instead of me. I need advice - I just can't take it anymore. Please help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006):

Oh dear. You're husband isn't being fair, and he probably knows it. Don't get annoyed with him when you confront him, be calm, and do it at the right time and place. For instance. When you both sit down for dinner together, say to him that you really love him and you can't understand why he's putting his friends over you in this way. Tell him how upset he's making you feel. Ask him to put himself in your position. If he still can't see reason, take him to the computer and show him the problem you put on Dear Cupid, so he can see it from your point of view. Tell him you feel like he's straining the relationship.

Also, tell his "friends" that next time they come into your house without asking, or next time they are rude to you, you won't tolerate it, why should you? Tell them to get out of your house, even if it hurts your husband. If he confronts you about it then say this: So it's OK for you to hurt me, but it's not OK for me to hurt you?

Maybe he's not worth having if he can't see reason to that. Husbands are supposed to make you happy for life, not make you stressed. If his "friends" still won't get out of the house after you've asked them, then threaten to ring the police for tresspass, it may sond serious, but it's the bare truth. Good luck and lots of love. XXX

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A female reader, StarNews +, writes (28 January 2006):

StarNews agony auntI believe that having friends outside of a relationship helps it to grow, and for you to appreciate each other more. Your husband's friends, however, seem to be having a negative influence on him, and he is allowing it. There has to be a balance, and good communication from the start as to how your time is spent apart. Love is when you are willing to compromise and communicate, on time spent together. When you feel that your needs are being met, you will feel complete with this person.

I believe that a person's friends are a good reflection of who they are. Your husband is making the choice to be with his friends, they arent forcing him to do anything he doesnt want to do. So you really cannot lay the blame on his friends.

I feel as a man matures, there comes a time when his friends arent as important. He will tire of the bar scene, and want to settle down. Sometimes it may take seeing his friends settling down in relationships. I think that if your husband chooses to stay on this pattern of destructive behavior, it will eventually destroy your marriage.

There really is nothing you can do, but tell him how you feel, and let him know how this is affecting you and the relationship. If he respects your feelings, and the realization that he is losing you, then he will find a balance that works for both of you. It has to be something you both agree on. If not, then he will lose a good thing and I hope one day he realizes it.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (28 January 2006):

smeedle agony auntHi,I suspect your husbands four friends are not attatched and so living the single life, your husband is attracted to some aspects of the life they have, whilst most of the time he is happy to be with you, when he is with them he likes the single ways, well this has to stop, understanding why he behaves with them the way he does is one thing but he choose you and marriage and so he needs to tailor off his antics with these blokes for the sake of his marriage.

Marriage is a partnership, something he needs reminding of, you have tried talking to him, so now get tough, write him a letter or show him your e-mail, you need to be certain that he understands just how unhappy his behaviour is making you, and that it is putting a strain on your marriage and your health and anything that does that is "a big deal" .

When you have wrote it all down and handed it to him, or put it with his sandwiches, what ever as long as he reads it, give him some time to respond, go for a meal or a walk, but have your discussions away from the home enviroment, make it somewhere neutral, somewhere that you can just talk, walking in the park or country would be good as neither of you can be disturbed, you are able to get angry, get emotional and he can not run away to another room or storm out to the pub.

This has to be done and you need to let him know that if he does not try to understand your concerns and the unhappiness that his behaviour is causing, then your marriage is in danger.

Try this first and if it does not work then write back and we will work through it more.

Do try and compromise and meet him some of the way as that is a part of relationships but dont let him walk all over you, stay strong, take care and good luck.

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