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female
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cornwall
writes: After 15 years together, I now find my husband has been using prostitutes/call girls on a regular basis. He tells me he still loves me,and is committed to me, and his two children. What he has with these women is "his private life" and does not impinge on our relationship. Now I know, I am devastated. Our relationship has always been good, and sex mutually satisfactory. Have you experienced this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): I really feel for you. I am going through the exact same thing. I have been with my husband for 21 years. He was my universe. My first true love. I found out in april this year that he had been cheating on me with a 21 year old thai girl. He started I think at least 4-5 years ago.(he is 43 - he wont admit to when, but I found e-mails from her as early as 2003). He is now truly remorseful and desperately wants a second chance. (Our relationship had not been good because of his frequent "business" travel and standoffish behaviour and I had chalked it down to stress, never thinking that he would betray my trust, as I had done so much for him. Now I am severely depressed, on medication, and feel am between a rock and hard place. I cannot forgive or forget, as I feel he is not the person i thought he was. However, I am now too severely in a state of shock to make up my mind...so i understand what you are going through
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female
reader, bunny2007  +, writes (31 October 2007):
 I fully understand that some women and children are forced into prostitution and I think it's very tragic. I'm don't feel I'm ranting. The prostitutes who posted have said they like what they do and are preaching a load of bull. your right it is a sign that I'm upset and hurt but why shouldn't I be. anyways if I feel like ranting I can and will, its a free site to write how you feel. What planet are you from exactly? I'm very confused and hurt thanks for your tasteful reply, very insightful and helpful....not!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Well I can understand the rants and emotional hurt going on here but the fact of the matter is the man went and did this for his own reasons. The 'problem' is the mans own - maybe because of the way he sees the relationship he has at home or something in his make up. BUT he enjoys it too! Telling prostitutes that they are evil is a big mistake. Some women are 'forced' into prostitution by personal circumstance or criminals but many just find it an easy way to make money, given they can find safe circumstances to do business and the y it in the main - not easy to choose their customers.
Consequently I can only find ranting as a sign of peoples hurt and their misconceptions of the whole situation. Further if a woman ranted illogically like this I would want to see a prostitute too! No problems, both know they are there for mutual benefit, relaxing, refreshing, happy times - who would need to be married. The only other alternative would be to swing, surely? Or divorce? Perhaps he loves you after all - despite your ranting?
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female
reader, bunny2007 +, writes (11 October 2007):
My husband has also been visiting prostitutes for the last 7 years of our relationship. I just wanted to say to all the slut pro's who keep writing in, I am fully aware that the men who do this make the choice to visit you not the other way round but please don't come on here making out your clean wholesome and trying to justify what you do as just a job. Hello! your allowing men to use and abuse you what a lovely way to make a living and you do have the choice. What a great example you are to your kids. Let me tell you something I'm beautiful wholesome and i have the highest respect for myself and my body none of the sluts my husband slept with will ever be able to hold their heads up and say that. The reason your all trying to justify yourselves is because the reality is your ashamed of what you do and if you had the money and stability you would not in a million years be letting men use you for money. You might think your getting one over on the wives who have the nice cars and big houses but thats exactly it your'll never have what they have even if you shagged 100 men every night for a year. Ultimately no shower is gonna wash the dirt away.Maybe you could give bleach or harpic a go.If theres nothing wrong with your so called 'job' why do you feel the need to keep letting everyone know how clean you are. hows about you learn how to love yourselves first before you start preaching to me what love is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I posted this on another Aunt Agony site:
"I too found out over the summer that my husband is seeing escorts. Found the number on his cell phone. Then there were no more numbers, and I found out that shortly after he got a prepaid cell phone that he keeps at work that he now uses for his adultery. I read on a "sex worker" site that many of them advise their married "clients" to do this, and other tips so that the wife doesn't find out. A lot of cash has been unaccounted for and missing for months. He's come home after working all day in 100 degree heat smelling like a flower garden from the waist down(massage oil, soap, lotion?). I am probably the stupidest woman on earth. Here's why. We were married once before, he cheated on me (not with escorts, as far as I know, but went on "dates" with women he met from personal ads). We divorced, and a few years later he came after me again, wanted to be with me, was a changed man, learned his lesson, found God, etc. I didn't believe him, of course, but kept talking to him, started seeing him, and indeed I found that he was a totally different wonderful man, and stayed that way consistently. We had the best communication, which we never had before. My trust in him slowly started coming back. We were best friends in addition to romantic relationship. It was like a dream come true. He broke me down bit by bit and I fell for it eventually. He asked me to marry him and I accepted. Things stayed wonderful for over a year, then he started acting strange to me, mean sometimes, then loving, then mean. Our communication started breaking down. Then I found out what's been going on. I am devastated all over again. I don't mean to discourage anyone, we all have our own perspectives, but when I read about "sex addiction," and "terrible childhoods," and "he needs counselling," all I can think of is that, true or not, it really doesn't matter. My husband had a terrible childhood, we'd been through TONS of counselling our first marriage, he even found the Lord (or so he said), and he demonstrated "change" brilliantly. And we are back to square one. I can't believe that I'm living this nightmare AGAIN. I'm 47 years old now and the thought of going through all that again, starting over, etc., makes me SICK. I finally subscribe to the old adage, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Simple as that, in my mind. I'm to the point that I don't care about his childhood, his "addiction," or whatever. He's immoral, that's the root of the problem. Not sure any counsellor can instill character and integrity in a person. If he's addicted to sex with whores, he had no business marrying me. I'm sorry to say I will never trust him again, even if he would want to "seek help." I haven't confronted him with this yet. Still thinking of my options. I want to be clear-headed and make decisions that are made in a practical calm way, not in the heat of anger and devastation. When I confront him, if that's when he would want to get help (which I doubt would be his response anyway), would that really have any meaning? He's not hot to trot to "get help" now, he's hot to trot to be with his whores. That's the truth of the matter. I probably could never trust a man again in my life. That's what he's done to me."
To the "pros" posting here -- I blame my husband more than anyone, he's the one that made vows to me and sought other women out -- however, paid or not, you're having sex with married men. Do you not care about what God thinks? Do you not care that you're contributing to broken lives, broken families, broken children, broken homes? Sure, if any one woman chooses not to have sex with a married man, there will be another that will. Does that make it okay for YOU? How can you live with yourselves? Don't you dare presume to talk about LOVE to me. Really, he LOVES me? I think you have all been living a twisted life for so long you probably truly don't understand the meaning of the word. Neither do your johns. Frankly, the poem makes me sick. What a great guy, he LOVES his wife so much, she means everything to him, they're soulmates. What a lie. It's not a date, it's a commercial transaction. Wow, thanks for making me feel better. So when my husband cheats on me, lies to me, spends money we don't have, sins, breaks his vows to me, breaks my heart, and ruins my life, I should just tell myself that it's a commercial transaction? How very comforting. And I love the part about the one little flaw, poor guy, he has missionary once a week. But he's SOOOOO in love. Maybe his wife thinks their sex life is boring and SHE is unsatisfied. It's always the wife's fault, right? We're lacking in some way, that way you & your clients can all feel better about yourselves. Did it ever occur to you that your clients are lying to you (and themselves) trying to justify what they're doing? What about those of us who have great sex with our husbands, and frequently? Creative sex, oral sex, varied sex, you name it. Sometimes HE can't keep up with ME! I also have kept myself looking nice. Do you think he's going to tell his whores all that? No, if I'm talked about, I'm sure it's not truthfully. Remember, he IS a liar. He tells you he's the good guy, loves his wife, BUT . . . Good luck to you and your married clients in conducting your commercial transactions. We'll all have a day when we'll have to account for our lives.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Hi
My husband is visiting seedy places who offer massages and "happy endings". He blames me for this. He thinks he is not satisfied by the frequency of our sex, and he always asks for doggy style.
I have been so naive believing my husband has adored the ground I walk on. I had myself believing I was so lucky, and that I did not deserve him.
I have been a stay at home mum for nearly ten years now, after believing I would return to work after the birth of our first daughter. However, I had been in two bank hold ups (I used to work in a bank)which resulted in many complications which saw work again for me difficult. I am currently undertaking a course to do some work from home but have not completed this yet. Our youngest daughter begins school next year, and I feel I am getting stronger and more ready to look into something else now.
I looked at so many of my friends who had broken marriages, and he had always aligned himself with friendships that saw him become involved with men who had also been a part of broken marriages. I considered myself so extremely lucky to have this loving husband and father, who put us on a pedestal, who had my utmost respect and love, and my fidelity. I admit, I have had problems with sex, but we have experimented with a few things, simply to please him. I have tried very hard to please him in the bedroom, even when I have not wanted to. I believe I have been a loving wife and mother.
A few months ago, my husband came home with a lice infestation. Initially I believed it was the lice that comes home from school... but it proved to be pubic lice. My children have it in their scalps. How? I am finding so difficult to believe anything he says to me now. He has had so many other things in his past make me question his commitment to our marriage. Just last night he told me he had had opportunities to have affairs, but said he would not do that. He seems to think there is a difference between emotional commmitment and paying for it. I don't.
Marriage to me is for better or worse. He has put up with a lot of marital dramas with my post traumatic stress and obsessive compulsive disorder. I am on three antidepressants a day to control this disorder but it has had very little impact on his life for years now ... and somehow, I am supposed to feel grateful to him for not having taken up these opportunities. He goes away on conferences for work (one such colleague from one training course in another state which I know was a valid course, as the company DID pay for it - called his mobile in a drunken state at about 2 a.m. in the morning). He has had sores on his genitals and now our daughters have got pubic lice in their hair! I feel sick to my stomach, but I still love this man... I know I need to wake up and smell the coffee. I know in my heart he loves me, but I also know he does not love me enough to control his urges. I have witnessed him wanking, and I have even helped him do so when I have not felt up to the sex... I have tried the oral sex thing, even though I hate it... and I let him always finish with his favourite position of doggy style. We have tried a penis ring, so I have been open to experimentation ... and just last night, only after receiving a text message sent to my phone which says "suck my dick!" from his mobile do I insist on him telling me the truth! I am so stupid. He thinks I believe that it is these simple happy ending things, but I don't even believe him on that any more... Would You?
I witnessed my mother suffer the pain and anguish of nearly commmiting suicide after she discovered my father had an affair ... he watched it too. He promised me I was all he ever needed or wanted ... that there was no one else. He married me after this event... and he knew how I felt about it. Scarily, he admits that he knows what he has done is wrong, and shameful. I know he is sick. I think deep down he knows it too. I don't even have it in me to yell and rant and rave. I don't have it in me to even cry. I am too shocked. AND, because he admits it, there is no fight left. I want to stay and work it out. My mother did. I believe I can too; but do I want to? My children adore their father ... even though he can be a very difficult man to live with... and I adore him too. BUT, my heart is so broken.
I am scared he is not prepared to stay and fight to make this work. He says he wants it to, but truthfully, I don't see him really wanting to put in the hard yards to make it work. He should be begging me for forgiveness, but part of me feels like he thinks he was within his rights to do so, because I have sometimes refused him sex. I feel like in his deluded mind, that he had a right to and that it is HIS money he has used (at $50 a pop!) yeah right .... he can't even be honest about the price. He thinks I believe him about that, but I don't. A normal massage costs about $80... one with a happy ending is not going to cost less!!!! Never mind that at the end of the month, where I have reconciled our bills, and asked him about the odd cash withdrawals, which he has simply explained away. Never mind that we have struggled to pay for speeding fines, and massages while we have only had dollars left at the end of the month to pay for food ... and only JUST this last year have I started updating my wardrobe after about 10 years for fear of spending ANY money on me. I have felt guilt about spending $7.00 on a new clothing item ... and here he is spending money on SEX!!!!!!
One reader here said, marriage is like a house which has been built up brick by brick. Well ours was a mansion in my opinion. I believed it was the best "marriage/house" on the block, in the state ... Foolish as I was... and now ... it is a demolition piece. A pile of rubble. I am nearly 37 years old with two beautiful daughters who have NO idea what their father has been doing. Young enough to start again ... and yes, deserving enough to start again. But I want him still. I love him still. Why????? I feel like such a fool to have believed in him for all these years. Believing I had the perfect husband. Oh, I have been so naive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): hi i have not been in that position, but i have been a pro, and anything you do with these men its only for money, you certainly have no feelings for them,anyone who says that pro's are whores and sluts has obviously had a gifted lifestyle, i was left with three young kids and could not afford to feed and clothe them on benefits,i have never taken drugs, and take offence to the narrow minded fools that think thats the only reason women enter this proffesion.i had to keep my children myself and my bills going to keep a roof over our heads. so to the lady whose husband visits pros we all used condoms even to give head, and a lot of pros are just ordinary mums whos husbands have walked out on them and they just want to give the best they can to their children. and of that i was never ashamed..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Hi,
Sorry to hear how much of a pig your husband has been i have one just like him as for the escorts that replied whether you do it just for the money your are still causing marriages and relationships to be broken and children don't ask to come into this world we bring them in and you are taking away a child's father just for sex!! Get real you sluts you are no better than the dirt dogs drop!! i could'nt give a damn whether you have a nice clean home and are clean yourself your vagina certainly won't be with all and sundry entering it and for what so you can pay the bills? What about the poor wife, girlfriend, that's left without a husband, partner, to help her pay the bills and kids to feed do you think of that?? No obviously not cause you are all selfish sickos that's why you open your legs for money you are all a disgrace and a bad name for decent respectable women all over the world!!
Take heed no man is worth being miserable over and if this is making you that you need to challenge your feelings and decide what is the best plan to take as for the whores don't waste your breath on them i have spoken to hundreds of them they are either junkies, battered woman, rejects of society basically oh and to the one who says she is of high standard and is studying PLEASE!! Wake up and smell the coffe hen your a slut plain as and what do you think any potential boyfriend soon to be hubby you eventually meet will do when he gets to know about your sordid past life?? There is a saying YOUR SINS HAVE A WAY OF CATCHING UP WITH YOU!! and believe me i have talked to many a pro who have says it has ruined their life yes i know of saunas where students studying for a degree are working just to feed themselves and are already hooked and thinking fuck the degree i can make more money screwing old farts and rejects!! hell what a way to run your life you all need help really think about what you are doing to make money get out while you can you see you are young and think money is the be and end all but you will learn it is not and far more things are worthy of your time i really hope your situation betters for your health sake and to the whores that's what you are not ESCORTS you obviously don't have the brain you claim to be studying with as a escort is not what you do dear manky sex is what you do look up a dictionary you will see WHORE AND ESCORT are two totally different things it obviously is dulling your brain already DUMBO.
t
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): I have read many comments stating that the lady concerned should get tested.Yes I agree that she should but also want to state that just because we sleep with men for money does not mean that we are not safe.I never do anything without protection and never would.People have this view that all escorts are dirty etc...I have a beautiful home and am studying also.I am very clean and have a high standard when its comes to my hygiene and looks.We are not all "prostitutes" who stand on street corners waiting to get money for our next fix.I do feel for and wife who is left hurt by her husbands actions but if they did not see me it would only be someone else.A lot of married men tell me they adore there wives but enjoy the thrill of sex with an escort.I never get emotionally involved and very few men get emotional with me.I am not going to lie and say that I feel bad etc.. because that would be a lie.I see this only as a job and I think no further then that.I make alot of money and in this one its all about being able to survive.I will continue to do this untill I get to a point where I no longer need to.Any women who ends up in your situation needs to ask them selves wether they want to stay with their husbands.Just please do not always blame the escort because if your husbands a cheater then he could of cheated with anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): As an escort I see lots of married men and always get a mixture response to their reasons for cheating.Some say there home life is miserable and others say they adore there partners but enjoy meeting up with escorts to add a little more spice into their lives.I admit I would be devastated if I had a husband that cheated on me but it does not stop me seeing married men.Many will find this morally wrong but I see my work as a job.Its fantastic money and helps me pay the bills and not worry about money so much.I think as a women being cheated on you have to ask your self if its something you can live with and be able to forgive should he give it up.One thing you should be aware of is that escorts very very rarely get emotionally involved.It really is a case of in with money and out waiting for the next lot.I have never become involved with anyone whilst doing this and I never will.Foe me its security and mainly just sex for the men.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): I feel that my husband has been unfaithful to me through the years and I think he's been with prostitutes. However, he denies anything, but my gut tells me differently. How can I get prove?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): I see it from both sides of the fence.I wrote this for you. When they tell us they love their wives they honestly mean it.I'm sorry for what you've gone through, though I make no apology for being me. I do understand and feel your pain and wanted to apologise for that. I'm not a girl your husband saw, at least not to my knowledge, but I do sell myself.We all have our life stories.PuntingHe says he loves her more than anything,Would give everythingShe IS everythingHis every breathWithout her he's nothingShe has his loveHis houseHis kidsHis wedding ringThey've been through thick and thinBecome oneSoul matesTill death do they partVows madeStill validBut…The sexIt's lackingIf he's lucky it's once a weekMissionarySame routineSure it's comfortingFamiliarEven satisfyingWarm and tenderBut it's finished in minutesNo oralNo cunnilinguisIt's just not interesting, or enoughAt times it's only a step away fromBetter than a wank would rankBut…. It’s that silly thingHe may have said He loves his wifeDearlyTrulyDeeplyHe's not leavingHe adores herDoesn't want to hurt herWants to protect herIt's goodwhat they haveHe's content with his lotHappy with what he's gotIt’s not that he wants to omitButThe sexIt's lackingYet he doesn't want a divorceWhat for?What they have is perfectWith very slight flawHe loves herAnd his lifeShe's his friendHis other selfHe's not looking for anything elseNot another relationshipOr an affair BesidesThere are too may emotion involved thereBut….The sexIn marriageIt's not enoughIt's lackingWhich is why he comes to me, secretlyBringing gifts Silk and lace bought in his wife's tasteOr his, he's a dashingTonight it's theatre tickets and dinner at eightHe whispers, kissing my eyes, ears and lips My faceReaching for an envelope of cashIt's a commercial transactionNot to be confused with a dateHe loves his wifeBut….
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): This must be a horrible predicament that you are in and you have my utmost sympathy. Having read the previous replies I thought I should add something from a slightly differant angle from the others.
Amongst my clients (I am a private music tutor by the way) there are two prostitutes. They are quite open about what they do and the way they are. It is because of this I thought I should share with you a few things I have learnt from them.
It is true to say that the vast majority of men they see are married and the main reason that married men visit them is this:
They are not happy or content at the sex life they receive at home and feel a need to look elseware to fill this void that they feel that they have. The reasons they use prostitutes is because they are not interested in dating and socialising all evening in the hope of being invited in for a cup of coffee at the end of the evening. They are not interested in developing feelings for anybody else or a relationship of any kind. They also do not want the added stress of dealing with pressures put on by the other person that could cause threat to their present relationship they have. Basically apart from the lack of sex they are perfectly happy with everything else and visit these ladies in an effort of damage limitation so to say.
Visiting a prostitute enables them to have the sex they feel they need without any complications whatsoever. There are no loving feelings developed and there is no risk of the lady coming back trying to take the guy away from his marriage. The vast majority of guys who freequent these girls just want to fill the void they feel has gone from their marriage, they are often happy with everything else and remain committed to their wives in every other conceivable way.
As for the HIV element and other STDs it depends very much where he goes to get it. Going onto the street corner to do business with a girl who is funding her next drug fix who for next to noting will do it up some alley and for very little more will do it completely unprotected is simply stupid and is no more than an attempt at suicide. A kind of sexual Russian roulette if you like.
Then again if he visits a parlour or an independant escort he would usually find that this is a completely differant scenario.
I can only go by the two prostitutes I know.
(B.T.W. I haven't and would never visit one of these ladies because I am married and happily so and secondly feel that this commitment is a priceless one that two people can give to each other and not something you could put a price on.)
They are both scrupulously clean, they both go for monthly check ups and everything they do is fully protected.
They do not develop any feelings for their clients and feel that they are offering a service. By offering what they do if a guy decides to go with them they feel that the guys will feel less inclined to abuse or rape anybody else out there.
They also offer gratification to blokes out there that for whatever reason do not have and would find it virtually impossible to get themselves a partner. Both these ladies I teach piano to have a sizable clientelle of wheelchair users and other forms of handicap.
In conclusion although it is a horrible predicament that you are in please be assured that your husband does not want to end the relationship he has with you - if he did he would have got himself a mistress or developed a long term relationship behind your back . I can only hope that in choosing a prostitute to gratifuy his sexual needs he has gone to the type of lady like my two piano students and has not under any circumstances chased the crack dependant ones offering it on the street corner.
Regardless of which way you choose to go I sincerely wish you luck in your future whatever you choose to do.
Cheers
Trev
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): Could it possibly have occurred to anyone here that his sex life at home had 'dried up' a bit?
There's many a man who has turned elsewhere when he's been refused his conjugal rights at home.
There's also many a woman who, having snared her man, lets her appearance go and doubles in size once she doesn't have to try too hard anymore!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): The same happened with me. The sex was always good between us and he never complained but over time i saw a change in the way he looked at me. I wasnt special to him anymore. A few months down the line, i found out he had been visiting prostitutes throughout most of our relationship. He denied it initially and made up wonderful stories but in the end the truth was revealed. I was gutted and just so confused. I wasnt sure if i knew him at all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): I have been married for 31 years and have just caught my husband out, hes been visiting prositutes for the last 9 months that I know and feel totally heart broken and do not know what to do, I am in my middle 50 and feel that if I leave him I will spend the rest of my life alone, but I do not know if I want to stay and live a pretence life with him. I wish he had done it 10 years ago when I would have been younger and could have made a new life for myself and children, why now.
What ever you choose to do, make sure it for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): Hi,
I feel for you the pain of this is unreal only when you experience this first hand can you truly say how awful it is like you my hubby told me it was 2 years i have since found out is was 3/4 years it is devastating news i was never ever going to get used to the 2 years let alone more!!
All i can say is if you both want this marriage to truly work then you have got to go to couple counselling Relate are good and he has to speak to his sex therapists you go with him too it is a long road and it wont be easy we have been trying to sort this mess out for 7 months now and it is still devastatingly painful i have had my bags packed on more than one occasion but like you i have a long time with this man 30 years!! and it is not so easy to toss that away albeit i feel thats what he has done but he is a broken man now begging for me to stay saying he will make my life greater than i ever can imagine etc etc: now i am not so naive as to think yeah ok let's do it no it does'nt work like that and you will know what i mean! It has to be built back up if you can imagine a house been demolished and brick by brick you start to build it back up again until the house is completely finished thats what you have to endure it takes a lot of time and effort on both sides obviously he has more to do than you and i would make sure you control the money allow him his bank card no more and you start a book where every penny gets marked in that book and when your bank statements come in check it off with the book that way you will be able to control whats going in and whats going out we do this and it does work do not allow him one single penny more than he needs his social life has to cease his social life has to involve taking you everywhere you have to start dating like a couple again and that will make sure too you have the spending authority not him yes i hear you say he wont allow for that but it's as simple as this if he does'nt tell him to walk and then threaten to tell all who will listen to his secret past and yes he will bow down cause you have the reins now if he wants to stay with you as bad as he is making out he will obey this rule and thats what you have to do you are living with an addict and you have to take control now not him he has to be transparent for you now and tell him that it can work if you want it to you just have to put away these terrible things he was doing to bed now try and look at it like he had an illness and he is getting help for that illness and when he is better he will be so ashamed of his past sordid life he will never want to go down that road again bear in mind prostitutes are the scum of the earth they are filthy dirty low life who deserve all they get cause they sure as hell dont care whether you man's married or not they are only interested in one thing money and let's face it you have to question the scum they are cause what law abiding decent women drops her knickers for money? Sleazebags thats who so put yourself above this they are mindless beings with brains the size of peas!! your hubby used them same as they used him plain as and to say he was getting pleasure from these sluts is laughable cause he paid for that pleasure he would not have gotten it if he had'nt paid for it where is the sense in that?
So you see he is ill not right in the head i call it thats what i have told mine he needs physcologists help and you keep reminding him the damage you could do with this information see the look on his face when you tell him what if so and so knew about this what if your work knew your family etc: you will be surprised at how humble they become when they realise they had a good woman and now look what they have done so you take all the credit cards give him pocket money no more than you have too tell him it's the only way you can do this if he has seperate bank accounts get them closed if he has money from other means get that too you have to take control of it all!! yes i hear some say you are controlling him but you know what a lot of people who reply have not experienced this i have listen to me it is for your own good and you make sure everything you have is in two names do not allow him to have anything he could sell or take from you go on the web and read about living with a sex addict you will be amazed how widespread this problem is i was shocked however it has to be dealt with in order for you to move on only then can you start to pick up the pieces i wish you well and will check back to see how you are doing Good Luck.
J.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): Leave this man immediately and then sue him for giving you HIV. Move out tomorrow. No-one should have to live with being treated like that. xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): I posted a few weeks ago and its gone from bad to not worth living... My so called husband told me he had been seeing prostitutes for 3 years and low and behold its now 9 years and 13 has now turned into hundreds.. And my hiv test came back pos and I had to have another but it was a false pos and to be honest I wish I was dead... If only I had the courage to end this hurt and humiliation.. He told a work collegue and now i'm the laughing stock at work... I agreed to go to councelling but to be honest each week it gets worse, more prostitutes and more hurt... He won't let me out of his sight and is constantly checking my phone and trying to justify his behaviour by catching me out!!! I have never cheated ever!!!! I am so ashamed and he even told our daughter, how could he do that to me.... He says he loves me and it was just business!!! We are going to a sex therapist who says he is a sex addict so what!!!! I am living with a 42% chance of having hiv and he has problems... I'm sorry I really should of thought before I started writing but I just had to say whats in here before I explode... I have nothing everything has been taken away from me my future has been destroyed and I have been living a lie for 13 years. Will I ever stop hurting??? will I stop feeling sick to my stomach thinking about him coming back to me after each time and having un-protected sex with me every time. Will I ever ever sleep again without waking up in a blind panic and lying awake each night with total dispare in my mind.. the pain is so bad its physical it takes my breath away. How do I get over this, do I get over this or is this the way my life is going to be from now on???
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): Hi,
I also found out after 27 years of marriage my husband was using prostitutes for a year and a half behind my back i had no idea just like yourself and he is completely distraught at the fact we might divorce through this what did he expect! we have three grown up children were happily married had a lovely home etc etc but something in him was drawn to this seedy way of life and till the day i die i will never understand why he did this to me he is full of remorse now but as i says it is easy to say you dont want to through away what's left of the marriage after you have gone and tasted the goods! we have talked cried got angry not spoke you name it we have done it and he is off work just now with the stress of being found out! he is suffering now and i must admit i am enjoying it.
I am turned every way on which is the best path to take now we have been together so long i feel i dont know how we could live apart yet a part of me feels i can no longer live with him can no longer trust him all of that comes in to the equasion it is very hard to keep all this to yourself i am lucky i have been medically tested and i am clear from any infection inc; hiv and hepatitis that has been the most hardest thing to forgive him putting my health at risk he has yet to be tested at this time he is too embarassed to admit to any one what he has been doing i told him he has to and he has promised he will we are trying to work through this to save our marriage we are both in early 50s so it is not easy to start all over again but if it works fine if it does'nt then thats whats meant to be i do know exactly how you feel i too was totally devastated shocked i felt like i had nothing to offer i can't even undress in front of him now i have all these images of him with younger girls and what they would be wearing seducing him and it is eating away at me like a cancer it is the most awful thing to happen to anyone i know i will never frogive him ever and he has a hard time dealing with that tough look what he has done to me i wish you well and hope you can work these issues out the fact you are both still together means you have still got something there just like us it is hard but each day it will get easier and hopefully some normality creeps in eventually god bless you and yours.
Jean
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): Sometimes over means over. I urge you to seek out your own counseling to help rid yourself of the anger and sadness you still have. Especially with children involved you owe it to them to be the best mother you can be, and that is a mother without such intense inner angst.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): I admire you for going for counselling. We tried that ten years ago but I just couldnt forgive him. Now i know that i will never ever be able to have sex with him again. He's made me ashamed of my own body, I think of him having sex iwth young girls who could have diseases, be on drugs etc etc and i hate him for bringing sleaze into my life. He woudl be quite happy living with me and paying for sex for the rest of his life but I don't want to live without a physical relationship, I've already wasted so many years. Having said all that, I still love him, he's the father of my children and he would do anything for me. ...I know however that I will never forgive him for this. I'm sorry but i am still so angry and bitter. Ive given him three beautiful children and 25 yrs of marriage and this is how i repay me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): counseling is the answer. Texting you is lame. In counseling its easy to tell how earnest he (and you) are. I made the mistake of letting him pay all the bills, I kept my checking acct seperate. You must have open access to all accts. Also his cell phone records. I figured out my husbands cell account password (he always uses the same one) they go back usually about a year and bank accts go back even further. Just google the unknown #s , they will pop up if there is a web site or ad in the paper ("massages") etc. In a large US city, a session with and upscale prostitute will require from 250.00 - 300.00 per hr. (and they usually require an hr). Erotic (happy ending) massage around 150.00. Check the cash withdrawals against the dates and times of calls. He needs to be completely transparent in order for you both to heal, and truth starts to flow (from you both). Discover the true psychological reason he chose this behavior before you make a decision regarding whether or not this is worth the effort to you. PS this also means we have to look into our own issues in the relationship as well. Not fun, but equally important.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007): Oh he just sent me a text telling me how sorry he is, how much he loves me and how he'll spend the rest of his life making it up to me if i'll let him!!!
(Deja Vu!!!)
He told me that ten years ago, 6 years ago, 3 years ago etc etc
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007): I am so sorry to hear u may have aids, I sincerely hope the test is negative...its made me realise i need to go and get myself checked out as soon as possible. I have friends who have rebuilt their relationships after one has had an affair and although difficult i know it can be done. The problem I have is that i would never know whether my husband is still seeing prostitutes or not. He has been doing it for ten years and has only ever admtted it after i've got proof. Its very difficult to follow someone every time they go to work or wherever. Prostitutes usually work on half-hourly appointments so he could be 'stuck in traffic' or anything. And....with mobile phones now, i'd never know whether he's where he says he is or not. I just think once theyve done it and been found out they'll just be more careful from then on in. Once a perve always a perve. Ive made my husband tell me which massage parlours/brothels he's visited and they range from very seedy to quite high class. But they are usually young girls and that makes me sick to my stomach as we have two teenage daughters. Would he like dirty old men to be fiddling with his daughters? I asked him that! Of course he woudl be disgusted but its ok for him to do it to other men's daughters. I just feel sick to my stomach by the whole thing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Let me tell you it is unbelievably difficult to deal with this. My husband of 11 years stopped a year ago, after seeing "escorts". I caught him, and he finally confessed. We have been seeing a counselor- he goes one week, we go together the next. My husband is trying hard to be and learn about emotional issues, and is doing everything he can think of to help me and us. I still fight every day feeling fat old and ridiculous. It DOES get better with time (and TALKING to each other) altho for me, it feels like forever. I CAN concentrate now, and don't suffer in a debilitating way. I still see him in her place, doing everything with her. To the prostitute that answered above. Thanks, we all feel so much better. What you do is incredibly damaging to everyone. You are not the cause, but you tear at the very souls of families for money. You only further the damage already in place. It NEVER helps. Unmarried men are different. Go for it, they have not promised a loving life together with another. You do not turn away married men because you choose not to. Moral codes for you mean nothing. Do not pretend to be anything but a destructive force within humanity.
to the others, keep a level head, do not invest more than you can afford to lose. My husband is embarassed, and feels quite ORDINARY. He was. Quite ordinary. In this case, it seems rational to give him a 2nd chance. It is his last. We are in our mid/late 40s. We are starting over, trying to move forward together, losing our weak qualities and trying to be better people all around. It works, but you have to really want it. Above all, both of you have to willingly go to counseling, and do what they say, as consistently as possible. Try to be patient. Let yourself have bad days. Let yourself have good days.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): I have just found out my husband has been seeing prostitutes for 3 years and he has been coming home to me and having un-protected sex. The last time was Christmas Day and I found out! She has full blown Aids and she is on the street and now I have a life sentence! I have had hiv tests and sti tests and I am in turmoil!! I made him take me where they go and I found out tonight he took me to a place he goes with some of them its the same place we go and he couldn't remember! I have a 42% chance of having hiv and I have no idea how i'm going to cope... He says he loves me and its "just sex", but just sex has just killed me.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): my husband has been visiting prostitutes for ten years. i thought he had stopped but ive recently found out he's still doing it. he's been a good father and a good husband in lots of ways and over the years ive tried to block it out and concentrate on raising my children. when i take time to think about it properly i resent him so much. He makes me feel old fat and undesirable (i was only 40 when he first started) and ive not been able to have sex with him (apart from the odd drunken fumble) in all these years. he cries and threatens to top himself if i say i want us to split up so i stay and try to block it all out. since i found out he's still doing it (he wont give me any details) i cant block it out any longer and i am crying all the time. I cant face another ten years like this!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): ok ill give you an answer, leave. its that simple, he has cheated on you regardles if it was just with a call girl or not. your husband is doing this and will keep doing this because he thinks its ok. this man has little repect for your feelings and really i think you should leave the guy and take everything he has while your at it. good luck to you and you deserve so much better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2006): I am in ths same position, however he has not confessed but I know he is seeing call girls. I am devisted myself. Please someone give us an answer!
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female
reader, kellyO +, writes (3 January 2006):
 I really wouldnt have liked to add this but a friend of mine died of AIDS in 1999 she contacted it from her botfriend who was into prostitutes. not trying to scare u but want u to be careful.i went for training after this loss to help speak and educate people on this disease and it the statistics isnt as low as we all imagine. i am based in the uk too and i have to admit that alot of guys(not sure of statistics though) are into female escort but dont make it right. i havent ever gone out with anyone involve in this and i wont condone it.
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female
reader, kellyO +, writes (3 January 2006):
Dearie,i am sorry dear. u should be upset and distress. He is seeing other woman(prostitutes!!) on a regular basis. I agree with others here u should have to think of the health risk involve. To see alot of prostitutes on a regular basis is putting u in danger. U have to think about your kids too what will happen to them if anything happens to you guys.Also, what example is he possibly setting for his kids and u as well for putting up with this. Believe me they will find out somehow later what are u going to tell them is your reson for condoning this behaviour.I sincerely wish u the best and the advise i can give u is to move on from this guy.
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (3 January 2006):
 angel underneath, what you do and what the women that the husband of cornwall chooses to see do is one thing , but you can not say that these men love their wives dearly , do you know what love is? love is when you care about someone as much or more than yourself and would do anything for them,and do anything not to hurt them!
cornwall you have every right to be devastated and you should not put yourself in a position to be put through that again, other readers have noted the health risk he has put you through, there are decent men out there,i dont understande how angel underneath can come up with a figure of 50% of uk men have done this , i dont think any men i know have ever been asked!
this isnt normal and shouldnt be tolerated, if you do it will just carry on
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female
reader, cornwall +, writes (3 January 2006):
cornwall is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice and comments, I appreciate your support.
Angel Underneath very illuminating. Tried Punernet.co.uk but una |
