A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of a decade is an aspiring film producer. Her two year old company has a few documentaries in the works, but hasn't had a big payday or even a movie they can really be proud of so far, although there are some candidates still in production.There was a guy (let's call him J) who worked with her on a film back before she founded her own company. J is a film editor. J is engaged to be married, but it has been a long engagement. My girlfriend has been to his house and even met his fiancee. I have never met J. J has been more than friendly to my girlfriend. He always wants to meet for drinks in the evening and sometimes she has accepted. The last time it happened I got upset. She told me that she thought it was strange that he wanted to meet at a bar, too, when she just suggested lunch. I confronted her and she admitted that she thinks he is a nice guy, smart, and fun to be around. She was uncomfortable that they were hanging out together at a bar when he is engaged to be married and wondered what his angle is. She says he "is weird" and it's hard to tell if he's interested in her or if he's just overly friendly. I told her I don't want her to find out, but I want her to see less of him. She agreed.Now to the heart of the question. She has hardly seen or talked to J over the last few months since I raised my objections. I was very happy that that was behind us. However, last Friday she went to a film premiere to meet a potential investor named C. She said things went really well and C is interested in investing in her company. She said C was very interested in meeting me, too. C lives on the East Coast and we live in Los Angeles. I started to ask more questions and it turns out that C is J's mother. My girlfriend was sure not to frame it like that at the beginning, simply calling her C or "the investor". I am not sure how to feel about this. On many levels, I am pretty upset. I haven't said anything to my girlfriend about C being related to J. When she casually mentioned that I pretended like I was fine with that and I was happy for her. However, I am really quite unhappy about that. I asked her why C doesn't just invest her money with J and the answer I got was that J is just an editor and my girlfriend is the one with a production background and her own company. On some level I feel very threatened by J in light of this information. His mother (who is a millionaire) is considering investing with my girlfriend which means good things for her, but it also means that his family will be subsidizing her (and me by extension) and I don't like that one bit. Truthfully, I wish J (and C) just went away. How do I tell my girlfriend I am uncomfortable while also not raining on her parade? This business deal means a lot to her and I would be absolutely thrilled were C not J's mother.
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 November 2011):
 I recommend that you take the text of this submittal to your G/F and have her get it adapted to a screenplay and made in to a movie. It should be quite a hit for its drama, stressed love affairs and intrigue....
P.S. I'll even invest a couple of hundred bucks in the production (and I don't want to sleep with your G/F!).....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): Really, this isn't an issue about your girlfriend and this other guy. So they met up and went to a bar? So what? Nothing inappropriate happened, and there is no indication that he likes her as anything more than a friend. Really, it's the twenty-first century, and a man and a woman should be able to have a drink together as friends without people immediately jumping to conclusions! Where I'm from, in England, it's totally normal - and I'm betting it is also completely de rigeur for liberal types in LA too!
However, even if J is interested, this is not an issue about your girlfriend and this guy. It's an issue about the pair of you, and the trust that exists between you. You cannot - repeat CANNOT - run a healthy relationship without some trust. If she is to be a success as a producer, your girlfriend will need to meet a lot of people, some of them wealthy men, professionally. Some of those meetings may well be in nice restaurants and bars - it's the way of the trade. Even if she wasn't a producer, you can't isolate her from every man in the whole world forever! You need to be able to trust her fidelity enough to allow her to pursue her dream career without your jealousy interfering. She's given you no reason to doubt her; in fact, she's been very open and honest with you at every step,and gone way beyond the call of duty in cutting down her relationship with this guy when you revealed your insecurities (because the fact that you feel jealous and threatened by J is your insecurity, not your girlfriend's problem).
To be honest, as a professional woman myself, I find your attitude towards my gender somewhat distasteful. Do you really think that we are such poor weak creatures that we can be bought? To be honest, if I were your girlfriend, I'd be really insulted at your lack of faith in my ethics! I'd also be offended at the idea that the only reason someone might want to flash a bit of cash in my direction was to get me into bed. How about having a little bit of faith in your girlfriend's talents for a change? Getting funding for films is well-nigh impossible. The fact that someone is willing to invest in her suggests that she's extremely talented, and a very good businesswoman. What's more, if C is a multi-millionaire, she hasn't made and kept a fortune by being an idiot. The fact that she wants to invest in your girlfriend is likely to be a sign that she actually thinks her money might meet a good rate of return there. Also, mothers don't generally buy women for their sons!! Perhaps on all hands you need to give women more credit for intelligence, ethics, and acumen!
I think you should think about developing a strategy to deal with your jealousy and insecurities, because setting your relationship in the balance with your girlfriend's career is unfair. You need to be open with her and yourself, that this is your internal weakness, not an external problem. One way forward might be for your girlfriend to introduce you to J (and for J to bring along his fiancee) so that you can get to know one another as couples. Or, if that's not possible, it might be to go to speak to someone professionally and learn trust that way. Either way, you need to take responsibility for your own insecurities, and not sabotage your gf's career over petty jealousy.
...............................
|
