A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is a perfectionist and a very anxious person. She's in her 4th year of college and just submitted her dissertation this week. After submitting it, she must have cried for at least an hour, because she "knew it wasn't good enough". "Good enough" for her means it won't get a first (the highest mark - not sure what other countries call it). She got a first overall in all her first three years of college but she keeps talking about how this is the only year that matters, and if she doesn't "do well" (obviously meaning if she doesn't graduate with a first) it was all for nothing.Meanwhile, I'm repeating third year right now because I failed it the first time around. I've had to repeat exams every year, while she's never had to repeat one and doesn't know what it feels like to not know if you'll pass. I got frustrated with her the other day and said she should at least be grateful she's going to graduate on time, and she got upset and said she's not trying to criticise me. She said it has nothing to do with me and my grades, it's just her standards for herself, and she's proud of me no matter what grade I get. I understand that, but it still bothers me.With exams still to come, I'm expecting more panicked meltdowns from her. And if she doesn't get a first in the end, I know she'll be distraught. I'll have to listen to a lot of sorrow from her, when I might not even make it into 4th year. She's kinda making me feel like shit, though I know she doesn't mean to. I know she's under a lot of pressure - she's the first person in her family to go to college and it means a lot to her. But I wish she could notice my feelings more. What can I do to sort this out? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2019): your gf is a total perfectionist and people like that will always struggle with these feelings. They will never judge you the same way they judge themselves. If you can separate her feelings about herself from your feelings about yourself you can hopefully support her without letting it get you down. just keep reminding yourself that this is about her own personal feeligns of inadequacy and self doubt and doesn't mean she thinks any of those things about you.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 May 2019):
 Im not sure how you can talk about it, but I want to let you know that this isn't fair on you, and she should stop discussing this in front of you. Maybe just tell her that you can't listen to it any longer, because like it or not, it is sending indications that you arent good enough. Even if that isn't what she means, you're already thinking it, and it'll stick with you and it's not fair to you.
I know all too well how that feels. I once had a boyfriend who was obsessing about money the same way your girlfriend obsesses over her grades. He was the same age as me, we had studied an equal amoount of time at university and held the same degree, but in different fields. So we were in many ways equal, like you and your girlfriend. Yet he complained and complained about how he felt his paycheck wasn't fair, and how little money he earned compared to how much he should be earning, according to him. And all the while I had stuggled to find a relevant job in my field, and when I did it was a shitty paid position and I earned way below him. Yet he sat there discussing his paycheck with me and how much more money he felt he deserved. It really made me feel like shit.
So I know what you mean. And the worst part is that before him, I knew I didnt earn that much compared to others with my degree, but I didnt let it get to me. But after having listened to my boyfriend and his obsessing over this, his repeated discussions about this, I just felt so bad about it. It just bothered me so much, it was very difficult to let go of and not feel inferior, because he had repeated it so much. He had made me feel inferior, unsuccessful, and not good enough. Even though he was, like your girlfriend, only talkig about himself.
So my advice to you, so that you wont get stuck with this feeling of inferiority that Im stuck with, is to tell her to shut up. Dont allow discussions about it. She can talk about being nervous, but she's not allowed to discuss her grades or how she rates "sucess". Because you're in that same boat, and it affects you whether she intends it to or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2019): In this case, it's not about you. She has told you that, and you shouldn't be critical of her behavior; when you're doing basically the same thing by getting annoyed with her.
I too was a mental-case over my GPA in college; because I attended a very expensive private-college that is difficult to get into.
I was in the Air Force before I enrolled; so I was a couple of years older than my class. I didn't want to settle for mediocre grades; and I felt it was such a privilege to attend such a historic institution. So I can understand her to some degree. I didn't cry, but I bugged-out until I got my grades for exams! By some fluke you could have a total brain-fart and blackout; and totally destroy an exam, and there goes your whole GPA (Grade-point Average)!
Those who are high academic-achievers tend to be a little crazy over those kind of things. For those not as intense about grades and such; they might think it's ludicrous to be upset when maybe a B is sufficient, or even a C. Not when you're used to A's; but you've also got to stay level-headed and humble. Too much conceit and need to outshine everybody could put you in straight-jacket with pinwheels spinning in your eyeballs!
Comfort her, and stop taking her concern for her academic success as a slight towards yours. Hang in there, and put forth more effort on your own grades; if her attitude places conviction on you, and makes you feel you're not working hard enough.
If she is given to emotionalizing and dramatizing during exam-time; just give her some space to spaz. You may be a little too close for comfort; so you're in the fallout. You're getting the shock-waves full-force; so back-off a little.
Best way to make it through drama, tirades, and spazz-outs is to give people room to go through it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 May 2019):
 Unfortunately, when you are dealing with someone like your GF (and many other women) who have been told to BE perfect and do AMAZING it's not something YOU can change in her.
What you HAVE to do is take yourself out of the equation and just let her VENT.
She isn't talking about you. You know this. SHE knows that YOU do you, and YOU are responsible for YOUR grades as SHE is responsible for HERS. She is setting herself a standard for ONLY herself, that so for the past 3 years have managed to live up to, so the THOUGHT of FAILURE is terrifying.
She has SO much weight on her shoulders. If she is tie FIRST of her family to go to college she WANTS to prove to herself AND her ENTIRE family that not only CAN she do, ANY of her relatives can too. And to them she is TRYING to make it look easy even if the pressure is insane.
You focus on YOUR exams and grades and WHEN you can hadle it, LISTEN to her vent. IT's NOT up to you to fix her anxiety or fear of failing but JUST to lend her an ear and REMIND her that she did well in the first 3 years so she HAS the skill set to DO well in her 4th.
And I also think YOU need to be honest with her, IF it becomes TOO much for you to focus on school/exams AND also listen to her (sorry) WHINE. Though don't call it whine, call it vent. DO NOT let YOUR grades slip because you were spending your time trying to HELP her through a bout of self-doubt. YOU also NEED to focus on your own school work and goals.
As for not noticing your feelings. Well, I think it's because you are male and she is somewhat expecting that you AREN'T as "emotional" as her. That you somehow just keep it together, "stiff upper lip and whatnot".
It's OK to tell her when she is wanting to vent, hey, I love you but can we change the topic for a while? I'm also kind of worried myself and would rather have a positive conversation with you than one that makes us both feel like crap?"
And sometimes a :"hey, you will do great, now what else is up?"
It get to be a PRETTY bad habit to complain and go around in circles over things like this. So sometimes YOU have to be the one to stop the circus.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 May 2019):
 First of all, perseverance is more useful in life than passing with no issues. You need to step back and not take her expectations for herself as criticism of you. It's not an easy thing to do, but you can't be together if you take her upset about herself personally.Secondly, distractions. You've both got a lot of stress coming up, so get out and take your minds off of it every so often. If she can't, go out with friends instead.Lastly, maybe calmly suggest (JUST ONCE) that she speaks to a university counsellor to help her with her anxiety. I'm advising the same for you to help you not take her anxiety as criticism of you. As someone with bad anxiety, someone making you feel guilty for voicing your own anxiety because they take it personally when it's not related to them, is exhausting. You are already stressed and overwhelmed, but they are making it about them. I didn't go to uni. My brother is there now. I am "behind" (for health reasons) than most people my age that my family knows, so I have to sit and hear all about their achievements, trying not to feel like I'm not good enough. It is HARD not to compare yourself to others, but you HAVE to learn to cope most of the time.
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