A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I'm 24, she's 26. We were living together, but now she's working 4 hours away while I'm still studying. She's constantly stressed at work, and I feel like I'm just an outlet for her stress. Nearly every time I call her, usually she'll just launch into a rant about how much she has to do and how everything is going wrong, etc. We almost never get a chance to properly talk. She only really calms down at the weekend. We see each other about once every 3 weeks, and she has a breakdown and starts crying over something small going wrong nearly every time. I understand that she's stressed and anxious, but I have a lot on too. She phoned me yesterday and I was pleased, I was busy with a report that was due, I thought I'd have a nice break to chat with her. But she was just complaining and crying over something that happened at work. When I got annoyed and told her I can't take on her stress on top of my own, she got even more upset and kept apologising, but now the report is done, I'll probably get another call today. How can I talk to her about this without her just breaking down and then going back to normal again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2019): I'm taking a few things into account, and I carefully weighed a few details in my mind before I answered your post. You're only human, but sometimes you have to be superhuman.
Firstoff, she's facing the true and undeniable adult-world; and has to keep-up with the rat-race we call full-time employment. Getting there, staying there, and getting back home comes with the proverbial stress-machine of a workaday-world!
You can't always quit and get a new job; because you have to survive the "in-between!"
Bills and the rent don't stop coming, because you're unemployed, or between jobs! Not only do you have to deal with that gap between jobs; there are challenging interviews to face, and trying to negotiate a salary (with benefits) worthy of your hardwork and qualifications. You could find yourself going from bad to worse! YOU take a break when YOU feel like it! Hers are scheduled!!! You have peace and quiet around you, while you study. She has the buzz of a workplace, patrons or clients, and a boss sounding-off every minute of the day!
Even if it's a part-time retail-job, a low-skilled gig, or doesn't require professional-qualifications; it is still a job! That has responsibilities, and you don't keep it; unless you fulfill your employer's demands and expectations! Show-up on-time, pick-up the slack for the slackers, taking-on additional hours (with a minimal increase of pay to show for it), listening to the boss's bitching, horrid schedules; and interacting with a motley-crew of co-workers who drive you insane! Then dealing with their individual kooky-personalities! That is a whole different ball game!!!
She's not just complaining, she's venting to keep from exploding! When you're back in the workforce, you'll remember how that feels! If she was older and more experienced, it probably wouldn't be so hard! If changing jobs was as easy as changing underwear; she'd be working elsewhere! She feels it necessary to stay-put for whatever reasons. Necessity probably being the greatest of them!
The fact you even took the time to write and ask for help shows how much you do care about her feelings, and want to be helpful. I've been in your shoes, and it wasn't easy for me either. Being partner to a Type-A more aggressive successful-person; and being the easier-going one in our partnership. I was busy with my own career! I had to sit through long sessions of venting and pontificating! Lawyers have large egos! Yet be consoling and calming; even when I was myself exhausted and stressed-out!
It took time, to learn what was the best way to handle the daily-stress a partner places on you, and how to be an effective "sounding-board." It's our responsibility to our partners to comfort, cheer-up, and console them. Coming to you as she does, is evidence of how much she trusts you; and relies on you to give her strength and encouragement. You don't have to say a word, just listen! Soothe her, remind her it comes with the job; but please don't take a condescending-tone...she'll blow you up! You're not the one with all this on your shoulders!
You both are very young. She is being exposed to the real-word for the first-time. Nothing becomes more real, than working with people; and under the supervision of a lousy and/or micromanaging boss. When it seems nobody understands what you're going through!
She may have problems facing confrontation; and unable to let some things bounce-off. She feels everything job-related has to be absorbed in a personal-way; she hasn't learned that people will be people! That means they'll pressure you, dump on you, lie on you, and even throw you under the bus! If you don't have a thick-skin; it's like taking a daily-beating! If she didn't have you there to relieve the pressure, she would go to pieces on the job! Can either of you afford that to happen?
Do me a little favor. When she's upset, don't tell her you have your own problems! Don't you think she knows that? You are her pressure-valve, there's something about you that she finds naturally-calming; and if she doesn't get things off her chest, who knows what will happen? You are the buffer-zone between calming-down, and losing-it!
You may not know it, but you're her daily extra-strength chill-pill!
You're probably a layback guy, and her source of strength. Don't you think it's the least you could do, if she's being the breadwinner? Not that your studies aren't as important; but you're both facing a different kind of stress and pressure. You have different personalities; and she may not be as calm and rigid as you!
You both depend on her for the income. She is struggling to keep a job she apparently hates; because necessity requires there be food on the table, clothes on your backs, and a roof over your heads! Not to mention every other expense that pops-up expected, or unexpectedly. She's not just whining, she's trying to hold it together. You'll realize it when you have more to be concerned about than a report for your studies! Capiche???
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2019): I think you need to recognise that this is a rough patch. You two are apart and she's having a terrible time so of course when you talk she wants to tell you about it so she feels better. It's only this bad because you're not actually together. If you love her you're going to need to grow some compassion and recognise this as a hurdle in your relationship that you have to over come.
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