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My girlfriend just doesn't seem to have the time for me any more..!

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Question - (21 October 2005) 21 Answers - (Newest, 24 August 2010)
A male , anonymous writes:

I've been with my girlfriend for 1 1/2 years spent pretty much every day together doing everything together. I made lots of money during that time and had lots of spare time. We've broken up before for maybe a week, but recently when I went back to college fulltime, stopped making money, first week in we break up. 3 weeks later we're back together and it seems completely different. She is spending more time with her 'friends' that I barely know and were not seeing each other as much on weekends and I hate not seeing her.

The other day she said she was going to the club and I asked to see here before and she got mad saying I'm smothering her...! I didn't want to get mad and left a message saying

"I'm used to the routine of seeing you every day, it's a habit like you smoking is a habit. How hard is that to quit? Just give me time to adjust"

Also the next day I already knew she was going out of town and probably won't see her then. When we were broken up I felt pretty sad and lonely, now that we're back together I feel even worse and scared. she used to always want to see me all the time so I'm lost! I don't know what I should do, give her space? or just end it and tell her we're never going to happen again....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010):

I get strenght to know I'm not alone in this situation. How many times have we heared of this situation. Guy's I really believe that this is not a solvable situation for us guys and we're on a hiding, but not necessarily to nothing, this is partly the power struggle that will remain in thier hands and a reflection of just how much we need our partner and how insecure we really are. You can try to give your main squeeze all you are and all you can but unless your partner feels she can keep her independence and maintain some modicum of mystery she'll get board and want to break free from what seems to be a daily account of you wanting to be by her side, pinned to her appron strings like a lost child, if I'm right you will often feel like a lost child when your not around her. The bottom line guys, it's give her some space and put the uncertainty back in the relationship for her. A friend had recently said to me, as did one replier here, if you love her enough, you will want her to be happy, even if that means letting her go. I know this sounds hard and will feel like a kick in the what-nots but, please, take into account of how you really are as a person. Do you have self confidence and self reliance to be alone, do you have insecurity issues that are smothering your partner. We guys tend to go of on a line of suspision, thinking of so many different reasons as to why she's being like this to you but, the long and the short of it, you may never really know why and there could be any of a variety of reasons. Perhaps something happened or was said to kick it off? or she could be feeling too comfortable in thinking she's got you 100% then she got nothing to work of fight for. Take stock of how your thinking right now and what your doing to win her over and get things back to normal. Well.... normal will never return, sorry. Things can be better though, however, but not as they were. Those days of being so close that you both appeared to be glued together are gone, let those days go and start affresh in your own mind. In your own mind, let her go, give her the space she needs and a bit more besides. Have you noticed yet how you feel; thinking she want away from you and how you are chacing her to the point of almost pestering her? Then play the same game, take your own break and let go, turn the tables round on her but not in mallace, in love. Please don't feel that another partner will make you feel better, it may do in the first few months but unless you understand why a woman needs spece you'll come up against this again and again. LET GO and focus upon YOU. Keep the contact to a bare minimum with the odd friendly text. I sent 'I love you' occasionally and with no rythem to when I sent them. they had no x's on the end just the simple 3 words, about 1 text every 3 days. Afer about 9 or 10 days (this will seem like forever) send one saying 'I still love you sweetheart'. But remember only send this one once. If you hear nothing during this time or get nothing concrete within 14 days then you'll have to face the truth. Then send her a closure text for yourself, perhaps ' I will always love you and be here for you x'. Then face the hard truth that it's time to move on and get on with your own life. Come to terms with your own insecurities if you still feel you need her then begine to face your own insecurities, after all, she doesn't need you. Notice I used the word 'need'. Whanting and needing someone are two diffrent things. A lot of woman don't always want what is given to them freely and unlimited, they want what they can't have. Women don't need us guys, they can live quite nicely without us but if you have something they want and they're not confident if they'll always have it, then you'll be giving her back what she's giving you, mystery, independence, thill. Sorry if all this sounds a bit of a mess in my explanation but the main thing to grasp in this guys is 'face the truth about your own ability to live life alone' with 'self reliance' and 'indevidual confidence', be reliant on no-one, not even the one you love the most but don't stop loving them, you never know if your dead dream will live again. I relly hope it helps fellas.

One softy that's too soft on the one I've loved more than anyone........and that's my problem....too soft.

Loosing a loved one is hard when they leave us but even harder when they're still around to be missed...it's called berievment in suspension. Good luck guys, it's a hard road too travel but you will get there sooner than you think, especially if you 'LET GO'and 'GET ON'

G

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A female reader, LGxGirL United States +, writes (30 December 2008):

I know how you feel. I think that i'm in the same situation as you are, but my relationship is longer than yours, almost 9yrs. I met my bf when I was 17yrs old. We used to do everything together, we spent 24/7 with each other. He was glued to me, we eat, sleep, shower, and poop together lolz. But for about a year now, he's starting to change. I guess it's cause he's working at his new job and he gets to make more friends around his age. I don't feel that we're that close anymore. He's going to spend new year with his friends. They're going clubbing or to the casino, he said since I do do those things I should stay home. I feel really sad and lonely that I have to spend a holiday alone. We used to spent every new year together, either go watch fireworks or drive around downtown or go eat. I guess he's bore doing those things with me. I feel that maybe he's going to do something that I don't like so he rather have me stay home. Since it's New Year probably he'll get high with his friends. Im really sad, but there's nothing I can do. I have talk with him over many times about my feeling, i love him too much to let him go. If it was me, i wouldn't do that to him. I have too much heart and considerate for his feeling. But i guess some people are not like this deep.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008):

i know what your saying bro. shes sitting next to me eating ice cream right now and i just want to take her dowstairs ad have a good time but smarties are apparantly more impartant

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008):

Man, i've in this prblem now, i'm giving her the space she wants and i don't get any feedback about her. I'd forget her and work out, but something tends me to go to the place we always hang out in just to see her. I know seeing her will mean a problem in the whole 'space' thing for her but i believe it won't change her view towards me. it won't

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007):

I've been with my girlfriend for like 8 months, she used to tell me all the time that im such a great boyfriend and other stuff like that. In the summer time she goes to live kinda far away, its like a 3 hour ride there so i basically took that ride everyday in the summer to see her. Back then I was going through almost the same thing as you, but then i was just like, well okay if you need your space, have it. So i stoped going all the way to see her like i would normaly do, and then about a week later she would be calling me, saying "I miss you baby come see me" etc... so yeah I think all you have to do is act like you don't really care even if you do, make her know that your okay with giving her all that free time, and then she will notice she has nothing else to do, and she will be lonely,and she will want you around more.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007):

I'm a bit older in my thirties and have been there. Women do this, the worst is when they make you feel sorry for them when

they give you some sad story why they dont spend as much time with you. I would suggest you have an honest talk with her and tell her how you feel. This will make you fell better getting it off your chest but only do it once dont be a broken record. If she doesnt respond dont contact her let her contact you but tell her that. Dont ask her out let her want to see you. I also find that working out is the best way to get over missing your girl. It helps let out aggression and emotions in a positive way. Your improving your looks and if she doesn't turn around you'll be looking good when your ready to hunt again.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007):

Here's the answer to most of the problems that have been posted: Women always want what they can't have. They wanted you (all) when you weren't chasing them, when they didn't feel absolutely secure in the relationship, when they thought they couldn't have you....

When they start pulling away, the absolutely WORST thing you can do is smother them, pester them, attend to their every whim and desire. Brilliantly long, honest rants and poetry about your feelings and affection for them will only push them away - indirectly proportionally to the amount of time you've been together (i.e. the less time, the further it pushes them).

Pull back. Start acting like men. Women don't want the pansified, sissy-boys that Hollywood would like us to be. And women are definitely NOT the be-all to end-all, most important thing in the world. Once you establish that, she'll start coming back.

Try not calling her... don't contact her... You're busy. You've got more important shit to be worried about and be doing. Like what? Like anything - it doesn't really matter. But the absolute honest truth is that if she feels smothered, or if you've destroyed the mystery (yes, you should try to retain a little mystery about yourself - don't tell her all your deepest secrets up front), or if you've made her feel over-secure (this is more relevant to the short-term relationships), then she's going to pull away. It will lessen her interest in you.

Give her a little space... Let her wonder what you're up to. Let her wonder if you're starting to feel differently... Maintain the mystery.... and she'll be back, or, at the very least, you'll have a better chance with the next one. (And as bad as it may seem right now, there WILL be a next one.)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007):

Something similar hapened to me. me & my gf have been togather for around 1 year now. We were working in the same organization. So we used to meet each other every day and we used to go for lunch/dinner togather almost everyday! But few months back we decided to leave that org and join different orgs. Things were prety smooth till few weeks. We were calling each other daily and were meeting on all weekends. But suddenly, she started ignoring me! i hv no idea of what went wrong. One weekend, I was alone at home and called her to ask her out and I got a reply that she is going out with her friend. that was ok with me. I thot of going out with her some other day. But she kept giving me some or other excuses each time when I ask to meet her. I stopped asking her out after getting such replies 4-5 times. I also tried to discuss the same thing with her but she told me that she needs "Freedom and Space"!!! i was really upset back then. When I used to call her, she would reply "I m busy right now. I will call you back" & then i never get her call! she started ignoring to reply my emails. i asked her many times if ihad hurt her in some way... but she wudnt say anything! things wer getting out of hand for me.

Then only, I realised that she isnt worth my love! i stopped calling her. then suddenly 1 day she called me asking bout how i was doin. i m totaly messed up now. wot is wrong with her? When I try to stay close to her, she gets away from me and when I try to stay away from her, she tries to come close to me!!! Why is she doin this to me?!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007):

alright buddy.

I'm in a bit of a similar situation myself. though i haven't been with my girl for nearly as long, its only been about a month and a half, but it feels as though our relationship is ending, before its even been given a chance to start. this is actually more of a question, than it is a reply, but whatever. shes a very down to earth girl. and shes most definitely not one to sleep around or any of that business. But i've been told by our mutual friends that she had a conversation inwhich my name was brought into about likeing a guy, and then once you've experienced being with them for a while, you suddenly realize you dont want them. idont know how plausible this information actually is but its got me thinking. My girlfriend has had a very profound effect on me. never has a girl ever instilled such happiness in me before. so i decided to write her a not explaining how shes effected me and how i feel. here it is...sorry, its lengthy..

"Dear mickella,

Your beauty astounds me.

My admiration for you is overwhelming.

You are the kindest, most heartfelt person I've ever known.

Your beauty shows, not only through your skin,

But through the words you speak and the thoughts you convey.

You are honest, loving and true.

There is nothing of which i have felt more certain.

You've made me re-evaluate my thoughts,

Not only on love, but on life in general.

You inspire me to succeed.

A succession not achieved by great wealth or prosperity,

But internal success.

A success gained by knowing that I have become

The best person I could possibly be, rich or poor.

My feelings for you grow stronger each day I awake.

I have never felt such intense emotion instilled in myself.

I know you probably think I'm crazy,

But I'm not, I write this with much sincerity.

There have been many nights that i have not been able to sleep,

solely because of the fact that i cannot stop thinking of you.

MY mind is flooded with thoughts of you.

The soft touch of your finger tips on my stomach.

The sweet scent of your skin as i lay by your side.

The blissful warmth of your hug.

And of course, The unblemished sight of your smile.

I really hope my writing this doesn't phase you,

I wouldn't want you to shy away because of how I feel.

My only hopes are that we, along with our relationship, may grow.

You really are one of a kind

And I am truely thankful for each day that i spend having you in my life."

I am very afraid that this note was quite the mistake. My absolute only idea of why shes been so busy with "friends" and everything else she can think of, is that this note scared her, and shes afraid of committment, i would really appreciate a female's perspective on this one, on account of who could possibly give a better explaination or better insight on the mind of a female, than a female herself.

I think it may be important to inform you, that i am only 17 years of age. although i feel as though my mind maybe a few years ahead of me.

thanks for reading, and being a potential savior

-2tonearmy

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007):

Well mate Me and my GirlF are going though a hard time. Last year she went to uni and even though it was long distance we spent every second we could. however as she's been back for the summer i seen less of her. i mentioned that to her and said i wasn't to sure about the relationship (Yes i shot my self in the foot there) soanyway she yelled at me to leave her alone. today was the first time i spoke to her (its been 1 1/2 weeks) and even though she doesn't know if we still a couple (cause she's not sure) we talking which gives me hope. best thing for you is to give it time then just talk normally then after you met a few times then talk but make sure you do iface to face and for god sake every male that reads this buy her some flowers now and then so you don't end up doing a routine.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007):

She's oviously a tart and is neglecting the genuine love you have for her running around with her freinds, drunk and open to sexual approaches from all the buff guys also out on th town while you sit at home. Try and get yourself out of this situation now, find anotehr girl.. this girl will ruin your life, trust me, do not let her get awway with this!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007):

You know what. Forget her. I am serious. She doesn't care about you. If I were you, I would concentrate on the positive things in your life, like school and your career. If you do the right thins,g with your life and make good decisions, then the small things like women will take care of themselves. Besides, girlfriends should be a plus, and she seems like a negative to your life right now. If you are just staying with her because of habit, then that is the wrong reason. I know it will not be easy, but it never is when you loose somebody you used to love. I know for a fact (and I don't even know you at all) that you could easily walk down the street and pick out at least 100 women/girls that you could easily get along with, and be attracted to. So forget her. Once you meet a new girl, your feelings for this one will subside. If you start going out with your friends, and enjoying your youth, then one of two things will happen, she will come to her sense because she is realizing you don't need her anymore, or you will find someone better. Good luck, man.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2007):

something similar to me as well, but I guess my case is more severe. I've been with my girlfriend for like 3 1/2 years and for like 2 1/2 of those years its been a long distance relationship where we get to see each other only like 1-3 times a month. Recently she has made new friends that she wants to hang out with and she went out to a club with them. The friend who organized the trip told her she could invite anyone she wanted, so she invited one of her other friends and her friend's boyfriend (both of whom i Know), but she didn't ask me. I live close enough to the point of where I could have gone, but it urks me that she didn't ask me. Today I asked her why she didn't ask me and told her I would have probably gone because I would take any chance I could to see her. She proceeds to tell me that "i am becoming too dependant on her", what the hell is with that? I only see her like 1-3 times a month as it is and we've been going out together for like 3 1/2 years...I don't know. Who has the problem here, me or her?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007):

I have kind of a similar situation. Me and my girlfriend have been going out for 2 years. We talk about getting married all the time but about a year ago her parents stepped into the relationship big time. They forbid her from goign to a college next to me (that they where already going to let her go to int he first place) then they moved her hours away from me "to save money". It doesnt stop there. They have been telling her every week for the last year that i dotn really love her and that her devotion to me isnt fair to her or her family. Then they told her she doesnt really love me. About 6 months into it i got really scared and have been mroe scared every since. Her parents tell us when we can talk, how long we can talk, how many text messages we can send, everything. now her dad came home from the military and she REALLY acts like she doesnt have any time for me now. I used to get so mad at her because i told her she needs to stand up to them and i would be here for her regardless of what happens and that she jsut needs stand up for herself. I got frustarted and wanted to break up a few times but we ended up staying together. shes been through so much for me. These days i dont even tell her she should stand up to her parents, i try so hard not to bug her about anything, but we where best friends. She says nothings wrong and my worrying is the only thing tearing us apart....when it really feels like things have changed. Now she even seems reluctant to say i love you or call eachother our pet names. She even seems to get annoyed when i say i miss you now.....i guess i got scared and upset 1 too many times....im supposed to move there in a month....i dont think i could handle moving there and having her treat me like this even when shes 5 feet away from me. But i love her and trsut her and i will move there even if she doesnt want to be with me again just to give her a place to get away from her parents. I dotn know if shell ever respect me or love me the same way again....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007):

Exactly the same thing im going through. We are going out for about 7 months and before everything was great, we spent all our time together. Now, she just doesn't seem to love me. She says she does, but every time i ask her to do something with me, its always a, "sorry i don't have time", and other things like that. Then I finally spoke my mind and she said that I was being a baby and needed to grow up. now anytime I ouch her she pulls my hand off. Should I break up with her?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007):

I've been reading what most of the female replies are, and they're mostly the same thing, give her more space. And while that will keep your relationship together, why would seeing her less make you happy?

Dude, I'm in the same situation. Well more or less, but basically she doesn't want to see me as much and wants more space. And I really try SO hard to make her happy, give her the things she wants, go shopping with her, everything. And she says that she loves me but she's just a bit confused at the moment and needs a break! Why?!? If everything was perfect and what she wanted, why is she confused? No one knows.

Anyway, I just want her to be happy, and unfortunately us splitting up is what would make her happy, even though we really loved each other. And what can you do? You can't force someone to have feelings! And it hurts, everyday, but I know that she's happy, and tat helps a little. I guess you just need to give her what she asks for, always be there for her and hope that eventually she'll come to her senses.

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A male reader, quietguy +, writes (2 November 2005):

dude, i know exactly how you feel man, my g/f hasnt called me from work yet and we always talk every night before sleep. This is the first time in about 1 1/2 months we havent talked and im scared of loosing her, is that to insecure or is that me just being stupid... but i feel you man if i was in your situation your best bet is to tell her your good times with her and leave it at that if she really loves you which i hope after 1.5 years of dating than she'll try HARD HARD and work things out with you but if not move on man shes not the "right" one than...

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A female reader, Kez1984 +, writes (23 October 2005):

Huni it sounds like ur devoted and giving her ur all and she cant even be bothered to give it back. i did something similiar with my ex i got bored with our time together i wanted to break free. I think your gf needs to be honest with u i truely believe u deserve much better and will be happier in the long run.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2005):

It sounds like, if you ended things, it would be for the wrong reasons. It's not that you don't want to date her anymore; you just feel hurt that she doesn't seem to want to spend as much time with you, and it sounds like, deep down, maybe you're hoping that it will hurt her, if you break up with her. It's a power struggle. You feel lost because you know you need her; if she gets upset by your breaking up with her, you'll feel like you're in control again.

It seems like you really should just try to give her some space. I know how hard it can be to do this (having done it before) -- my suggestion is to rent some movies and try to zone out. It helps not to think about things. Also, if you have some good guy friends, see if you can spend some time hanging out with them. Also, you mentioned you just went back to college. Try spending more time studying in the library. You'll feel like you're doing something good for you, and it won't feel so weird that she's not there with you.

Do everything you can not to call her for a while. Let her call you. After a couple of weeks (I know, that feels like an eternity, but it really isn't), see how things are. At that point, once she's had some breathing room and you're feeling a little more at ease with the increased distance between you, ask her if she wants to go on a date. Instead of focusing on intense romance, focus on light-hearted fun. Try to do something that will make you laugh together. A few days after that, plan on talking to her about this again, to see where she is, how she's feeling, and what she thinks the change in your relationship is about.

The key is to give it time before you have that conversation. Odds are, she's not really sure what she thinks yet, and you need to let things cool for a bit (at least 2 wks) before you bring up the topic of "the relationship" again.

Good luck!!

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A female reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx United Kingdom +, writes (22 October 2005):

xxxsoulsistaxxx agony auntYou definitely need to give her some space and find yourself. Start doing something new, meet some new people, broaden your horizons. You don't need to be sat there waiting for her call. I know you love her but you need to be able to survive without her. It sounds like you've become too dependant after spending so much time together.

If you become more independent and give her some space, she'll come back if she wants you. Our lives change all the time, especially when you're young and at college etc and you've got to learn to move with them and not hold onto the past.

I hope you get yourself sorted and I also hope she sees what a great guy she's missing out on! Good luck and keep your head up.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2005):

It sounds like she's not interested in you anymore. I would end the relationship and find someone you love more.

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