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I want some closure with my old, old ex-boyfriend, but he just seems a bit elusive...

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 October 2005) 2 Answers - (Newest, 23 October 2005)
A female , anonymous writes:

About 6 months ago a sister of an old boyfriend of mine found me online and we started corresponding. After a few emails I asked if her brother would mind if I wrote to him (we were together almost 30 years ago, when I was 16 and he 17 and it lasted for about 5 years). She told me he would love to hear from me and had been asking if I had mentioned him. She went on to tell me that he never married or had any children and that he wasn't involved in any serious relationship at the present time. I am divorced. Our breakup was due to this...The last year or so we were having some problems (too long a story to get into) and we were breaking up and getting back together a lot. The last time we broke up, I had gone out with a bunch of people, got drunk and was taken advantage of. I said no quite a few times and tried to stop him and I ended up pregnant. I did get back with my boyfriend and he tried to deal with it all, but he couldn't. He didn't even believe that I was taken advantage of. So it ended with extreme hurt and anger, with both of us. The reason why he didn't believe me is that I had, on occassion, told him that I liked other guys (just to get him jealous). I was young and very immature at the time.

Anyway...when I wrote to him he seemed happy to hear from me although he told me he was engaged. His sister hadn't told me that. After all these years he still has my pictures and even remembered my birthday. But my problem is this and I am hoping someone can give me their opinion...I have written to him a few times telling him that I am sorry for hurting him but he refuses to even acknowledge my apology. He won't talk to me about anything that happened between us and I would like to because I would like to be friends with him, but I can't if he still has resentment toward me. I have mentioned maybe I should stop writing to him but he makes me believe that he doesn't want me to. Another thing he won't answer me on is when he is getting married. What is going on with him?

View related questions: broke up, divorce, drunk, engaged, immature, jealous

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2005):

Please realize if your closure and recovery is all about him and his reaction and what he thought of your break-up, 30 years ago-guess what- you will have no recovery. Start to learn that closure is not something that comes from some external source, but from within, and that we can have it whenever we want, its ours. Closure is something that you give to yourself. If the e-mails served it's purpose of giving wings to your reasons for what happened and why,30 years ago, then no more needs to be said aboutthis and you do not need any reply from him. He likely understands your 'closure' and his silence is simply his message of saying to you, "it's over-let's move on'. Do not look to him for some magical response, that will release you from these "feelings" you still carry from the past. I think you are expecting way too much from him-he has long forgotten and all he wants is to do is renew an old friendship wth you. Quit concerning yourself with what he's thinking or what your ex is taking from this-that's up to him. As for resentment, take note of how he's still in contact with you. He is harboring no ill-will. You go and do what you have to do and that's to be strong, healthy and well balanced and a person who makes good decisions and stands by them. Take care.



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A reader, pops +, writes (22 October 2005):

The man has moved on. He is engaged to marry another woman. That is what is going on with him. He doesn't want to visit a past because he has closed that chapter in his life. He cared for you then, and he will always care for you. You can do one of two things: One: Write out whatever kind of lengthy apology you want to make, with all the explanations you feel you need to express, and send it to him, or 2) write it all down as above, but then toss it in the wastepaper basket and don't send it. I recommend the second alternative. YOu obviously need to get out of your heart a lot of pent-up guilt,frustration, and whatever else you still feel about that relationship. I found it therapeudic to write it down on paper, read it back a couple of times to see if you have it all said, sit on it for a couple of days( No, not actually- just put the pages aside on your desk) review it, and maybe rewrite it, until you have it right, and are sick of thinking about it. Then toss it away. See the movie, " As Good As it Gets" With Jack Nicholson, and Helen Hunt. She writes him this long letter thanking him for his help with her son, and just has to read it to him, because she has grown to hate him for his anal-compulsive behavior in the restaurant where she works, and now feels guilty that she felt that way and here he goes and pays for doctors to treat her son! You are living the Helen Hunt Character. The scene is a comedy, because she is so involved with her own problems she can't see that he doesn't , or can't care. People are laughing because they are so embarrassed for her, and we have all been there. Trust me, we all have been where you are at. Some of us are still there. Be a friend to this old boyfriend, and wish him well with his marriage. You should be exstatic that he has finally found someone to make him happy. If you must, talk about how you have changed from when the two of you dated. But leave the past a memory. He has his own version. You might not want to hear it.

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