A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has a real difficulty in separating her anger and frustrations that occur in her working and social life - crap friends, crap job/boss, etc - from our relationship. She projects it all onto me.The first thing she does whenever she calls me or when she comes home after work, is to moan and complain at me. Sooner or later it will all be my fault. It's getting to the stage where it's now happening very frequently. Nothing I say or do is right. I try and suggest solutions - but she's not interested. The real difficulty comes when, even after a positive change, I know it won't be long before we're back to square one and she'll be angry again.I want to be a shoulder to cry on and be supportive, but it's becoming too much. I'm self employed and care about my work as much as I care about her and feel that everything is becoming too much. I feel drained and unmotivated and quite often, the thought of spending any time by myself feels like heaven.She wants my attention all the time and feels betrayed if she thinks that my focus is anywhere but her. She says that if I truly loved her, I wouldn't want anything else in my life. It feels like she'll create drama just to get my complete attention.I don't want to paint myself as a saint, though. I know my faults. I struggle with communication and can be a bit stubborn, but I'm a positive person and it feels like I'm being chipped at bit by bit every day.We have been together for nearly five years and are living together. I love her very much and that fact has stopped me from walking away a few times. I guess that part of why Im writing this is a bit of self therapy and I think I know what I need to do, but after being together for so long, it's hard to walk away and I feel that I've invested so much into it that I don't want to discard it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): It's difficult to know whether to 'read between the lines' and try to see things from her point of view, or whether to tell you to just leave her. I'll try to read between the lines, but the option to leave her is, of course, always there for you, if you've actually got the guts to do it. And it sounds like you haven't.
If you care about your work/business as much as you care about her then that's the problem in a nutshell. Most men are emotionally unavailable in any case, to a greater or lesser degree, and regardless of their job. But a self-employed man has basically found a way to "legitimise" being unavailable to her and, when the women does keep trying to find ways to connect up, he will say things like "she wants my attention all the time", not realising that he;s already extremely cut off from her on a deeper level, and that his self-employed status effectively allows him to stay that way for the rest of his life if he wants. People gravitate towards jobs not just because of their skills, but because their personality pre-disposes them towards the types of relationships that the role involves. A person who can't tolerate others or is frightened of others will gravitate towards an 'anonymous' role where they rarely meet anyone. A person who loves kids will work in a school. Someone who has difficulty with team work and has to have the upper hand at all times may well gravitate towards self-employment; in that way, they make sure they're never beholden to anyone, ultimately. Even if they've got clients screaming down the phone that orders are late, it's the self employed person who ultimately calls the shots and can't be 'fired'.
I'm not saying that men don't feel things and don't feel deeply. But being emotionally available to women is an entirely different matter. She senses this and it's driving her nuts. On top of this, you're deeply emotionally invested in your work - some men won't be, they might be deeply invested into gambling or drug addiction or prostitutes and therefore the problem with being emotionally unavailable is much more obvious. But with you and being self employed, your self employment seems 'virtuous' and something that no-one is allowed to complain about. In fact it's a 'selfish' choice - you've got things set up totally to suit you, you're not answerable to any boss or anyone, ultimately and have rejected the kind of work relationship patterns that involve equality and co-operation with others. Sure, you will have to work really hard and meet client demands, but you are still 'top dog' in your own world. She, on the other hand, has to try to negotiate these relationships daily and, as a woman whose worked in a great many kinds of roles and finally become self-employed, I can tell you that it ain't easy being a woman in the workplace and I sure as hell appreciate being self-employed finally, after years of being treated like crap, mainly by arrogant male bosses. I can also see how it can attract people who want to be in control of all the relationships they have, who always want to be boss.
Women certainly don't have equality and the everyday submissiveness required of women and the invisible and hidden sexism they are subjected to is still shocking. Look at parliament, look at banking, look at all the top industries and you will find they all have a very small minority of women working for them. Women are kept as the underdogs, by and large and even today. The workplace is not an easy one for women - there's competitiveness to a degree that men would find unbelievable, on top of the subservience expected of them, from men.
One way or another, she will be sick to death of not having more power and more autonomy in her role. She wants to be treated as an equal. I don't blame her. But she needs to sort it out and you could be doing more to help her, proactively and instead of just sitting back waiting for her to moan again. She's unfulfilled in her own right, but you certainly aren't taking the right way forward to help her to get anything like the choices you have in your working life. You keep giving her just enough 'surface' attention to shut her up temporarily and can't be bothered to do the work - which for someone emotionally unavailable will feel like work rather than fun - of finding out what would really help her to feel more fulfilled.
The inequality between your working lives, and the way this allows you to be emotionally unavailable, and in a way that seems virtuous, is making it harder for her to feel loved, or equal, or like the relationship is going anywhere. Yes, she keeps moaning because she's deeply frustrated over the longer term. Things haven't been working out, on a deeper level, for a long time now and her frustration is all too obvious. You are not being proactive about the relationship. Instead you keep 'laying low' emotionally, waiting for her to moan about something else and then doing what you can to shut her up and increasingly feeling sorry for yourself. You are missing the point. You need to change gear now. You're not leading the way forward with her or working as a team with her. You see your business as first priority and you simply want her to be more submissive and not cause any flak when you get home. She's probably slowly going out of her mind feeling intellectually under-stimulated and put down on a daily level, and you are so caught up in directing your business that she gets no real leadership or team work from you, just your leftovers.The more she tries to get you on board, the more she gets blamed for being selfish. She's probably anything but. When someone's drained of love and put down daily then sure, it's not going to be easy for the to go out and act like Mother Theresa.
Either take a different approach entirely and find out what would help to make her happy - does she want to re-train, leave work entirely, have kids, travel more? You don't seem to have a clue. Which is odd. Whatever, she definitely wants you more 'on board', making decisions with her about the future. OR you simply let her go and find a woman who will not bother you so much with wanting a more equal and team-working relationship - someone far more submissive, so that she comes across as entirely selfless and undemanding and a form of light entertainment when you get home from your hard day.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): The point of a long-term relationship is that it should have it's ups and downs; but get consistently better with time. It should reach some measure of quality and refinement. The edges should bet smoother. Otherwise; put an end to it.
Part of this may be due to early change of life or menopause. It's easy to blame it on PMS and menopause; because then you don't have to accept any responsibility.
You're supposed to be able to iron out your differences, communicate, be able to be angry with each other; yet come to compromise and forgiveness. Not sit around lazy and complacent out of force of habit. Only interested in what makes you happy. Otherwise you're flat, and as boring as white bread.
If a miserable shrew of a person came home to me everyday, I'd ask them "why?" "What would it take to give you peace, so I'll have some too?" As for that old "if you love me" speech..."I think I prove I love you everyday by putting up with your bad attitude." You don't have to be a saint. You're not someone to dump and pile all her misery onto either. Don't get me wrong here.
By the way, old chap! Being stubborn means you don't compromise. You're throwing gasoline on the fire. You don't expect it to explode and burn? Stubborn is irritating! It makes females nag! If they ask you to do something a thousand different ways and a thousand times; and it never gets done? They have a weapon. Bitching and nagging! Things don't get done, you don't get peace! Do you get it? That includes in the area of the bedroom! Know what I mean?
The first thing people always say..."we have a great sex life." Not if she's mean and irritable all the time.
You said something that made sirens and alarms go off.
" I struggle with communication and can be a bit stubborn, but I'm a ..."
That creates an image in my head. A clam sitting next to a parrot. The clam just sits there, while the parrot squawks and talks and talks and talks. Now and then, the clam peeks out of his shell; but shuts tight the minute the parrot moves or taps on his shell.
That's a sad scenario. You've put up with it for five years; and you've grown irritated with each other. You tolerate each other out of force of habit. She doesn't know what to say to spike your interests; so she vents while you listen. You're not really listening; because it sounds like bitching and complaining. You don't really know what she's talking about, because you're tuning her out. How many times does she test you by asking are you listening? What did I just say? You grab a beer, shrug your shoulders, and melt into your chair in-front of the tellie!
What's the next level to this relationship after five years?
One of you is edging towards the door. I see an expiration date forming somewhere in your post. It's for her.
Oh, writing a post is therapy alright! Is it getting harder to tune her out?
Eventually, she sounds like the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon. Wah wha whonk whonk wah! She knows you're not listening! She wants to vent, and never runs out of material. She needs some humor in her life. Take her out to a comedy club. Make her laugh until she pisses her panties!"
You love her, but you're tired of her. You're a bump on a log. You don't take her out. You don't have any fun together. She has nothing to look forward to. Life is routine and complacent. You don't take holidays, you don't joke or tease each other. Watch her frustrations continue to build. If you were listening, you'd know why she's constantly bitching. It's not just her job. She feels useless and empty. Bored to tears! The love you feel is all in your head. Does it ever see the light of day?
Maybe not, if she's so mean and nasty. Is she as bad as you say? Or, do you just feel like being single? It's that five-year mark! Two years for those under 30; and five years for those between 30 and 40! It has run its course!
You love and tolerate each others presence. Women are emotional. They need an emotional vent or an outlet. They live longer for it. You have to listen and offer suggestions. Even if she doesn't like your opinions. Don't talk down to her, as if her problems are small and unimportant. Big mistake, big big mistake we men make. To women, and each other. Like we've got it all under control.
We don't!
Ask her what the problem really is? There's a reason for all that hostility. They skirt around the issues and build up a lot of hostility and frustration. There's something she's really mad about, and she struggles with communication as well. She's crabby and unhappy. You're content, and have your own business to go to and retreat from it all. She doesn't. So she beats you up for it.
Sit down, and tell her how she's really getting to be mean and maybe she has a reason. Talk to you. Tell you why? Then be open and honest. Tell her how it makes you feel when she rants at you. Belittles your suggestions, nags, spits, and hisses. It hurts your feelings. It pisses you off. It downright makes you mad! What's her major malfunction?
Maybe she's tired of you, and grappling for a way to kick you to the curb? Maybe, it's simpler than that.
Surprise her with flowers. Meet her for lunch at work. Take her out to dinner and dancing. Hold her hand and take her for a walk. Stop loving her from a distance. Get close.
Get up when she storms in, and find a quieter place. Tell her she's welcome in when she gets a chance to calm down her nerves. Offer her a cup of tea or a drink. Open your damned clam shell! Ask her to be quiet when she gets on your nerves. Don't pretend. Be honest. You'll see changes.
When the scenery never changes, you go bonkers! I think that's got something to do with it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): ". . . I feel that I've invested so much into it that I don't want to discard it."
As a self-employed businessperson you should be aware of these two idioms:
1) Don't throw good money after bad
2) Cut your losses
The only thing worse than wasting five years of your life on a negative, needy, narcissistic drama queen is wasting ten or fifteen or twenty-five or fifty years.
The only reason she's treating you like a doormat is because you're allowing it and she's not going to change. It's time to move on and find someone more compatible, someone who's as much or more interested in you than herself.
Don't worry about her, she'll land on her feet; self-centered types always do.
Good luck.
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