A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now. She has always kept in contact with her ex. I haven't had a problem with it too much because I know she really doesn't want to be with him and he lives on the complete opposite side of the country now. But he is always casting his problems on her and for a while telling her how much he misses her and wants to be with her. What bothers me is that his problems are getting her worked up and stressed sometimes and I feel like she is lost in thought at times and not really paying attention to much else.They were together for 3 years, so I know there is a huge hole where he used to be. I know I can't ask her to stop talking to him.So my question is - what should I say to her about how I feel. And would it be wrong of me to ask her to stop listening to his problems because they aren't hers anymore?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2011): OP again. It was really only 2 months or so after they broke up that we started dating. I didn't really know it at the time though. I know that was not enough time to get over him. I'm having a talk with her tonight. I might have to pull the "him or me" thing if it gets hairy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): This is OP, I'm just not signed in on my phone. But they broke up before he moved so I know distance wasn't the reason. She really does just want a normal friendship with him and nothing more. I know this from one of her friends. This is the first time she has really done this. But I know he still come to her with his problems. I am tired of him being present in our relationship like this, but I love her too much to leave.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (23 October 2011):
Ya i agree with Caring guy... I would not let her talk to her ex. Its either you or her ex. Not both. I told my girlfriend I dont want her to talk to her ex and she said she didnt want to be with her ex and wanted to be with me so it worked out perfectly and she did not talk to her ex.
also how long has it been since she was with her ex? How long did she wait after they broke up until se started dating you? Because it doesnt look like she is over her ex.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 October 2011):
I've got to be honest, I would feel very uncomfortable in your situation. It's not the fact that she's in contact with her ex, it's the fact that he really is causing her problems and telling her he wants her back, and that she then allows this. His problems are getting her stressed to the point where she doesn't focus on what she has with you. That's a bad sign. It's a bad sign because it means that she still has something for him. No one takes on their ex's problems and allows it to affect a current relationship unless the ex still means something significant. You say she doesn't want to be with him and that they live on opposite sides of the country. I ask you, are you sure they didn't just split up because of the distance, but actually both still have feelings for each other. He certainly does for her, and the attention that she gives him indicates that there's still something there. I would sit down with her and tell her that you feel her preoccupation with her ex and his problems is really making you think that she's not interested in what she has with you. Watch and listen to her response. I suspect that she'll just tell you you're being silly, that you mean everything - but watch and see whether she really changes anything or whether she continues to allow the past to affect her present. If she does, then you're second best and you should run for it.
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