A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my girlfriend but i guess she feels like she has to lie to me about things. Like I use to smoke weed and when i meet her she said that if we were going to date that i would have to quit well I did cold turkey. I had no problem stopping she always told me that she was glad that I didnt have to go out all of the time and she didnt either till she started hanging out with her old room mate now when she goes out she never tells me what shes doing doesnt answer the phone or text. I trust that she not cheating on me like my past relationship but I told her that since I couldnt smoke that she couldnt drink. She agrees to it when we talk but turn right around and do the same thing its getting old. Like I said I love her to death and I dont want to break up with her but I need some advice. Am I wrong she also says she doesnt want to have to check in with anybody I dont look at it that way and iI would do it for her. Somebody help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Congratulations for stopping weed!! Please don't ever start again-you've done a really decent, good thing here. And do stop feeling like you sacrificed something (giving up weed) just to please her. Doing this was something healthy and good for you--not just for your gf.Don't forget that.
The real crux problem here is your gf is acting out with unloving behaviors that is damaging this relationship and she appears to not care. If she is stating to you, that "she doesnt want to have to check in with anybody "...well, yes she does, as she's dating you, you love her and you worry about her. So I agree with hlskitten's words, that your gf should 'want' to tell you where and who she is with. She 's floundering and you need to find out why.
Because, if she is dating you, you both have basically made a 'silent' promise to be accountable to each other to building the commitment of this relationship. She's not letting you know who she's with and the trust you both have built could start getting shaky, if it hasn't already. She's simply not working on her end of the relationship, applying the rules of respect and honoring the other person, she os supposed to have an emotional allegiance to..maening YOU. The reason she's doing this could be ..she's is not mature enough to handle a committed long term relationship or she doesn't understand the accountability aspects of being in a relationship (again a maturity issue) or she is pulling away. I think it's time for you to communicate clearly and calmly, to her about your concerns. You have to make her understand she is accountable for her end of keeping this relationship healthy and happy. It take two, hun. Good luck, dear and be strong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): I think that it is fine to ask someone to change what you don't like about them. However, it is ultimately their decision to do so or not. In her drinking case, it doesn't look like you are going to get very far. You can't force her, so you either have to accept her behavior or leave. Which you choose has to be your decision.
My wife and I changed for each other in several ways. Neither my wife nor I smoked, but if she did, I doubt that I would have ever marrried her or even lived with her. That is something that I would not have put up with. She would not have put up with me smoking either. She also would go out drinking with friends and, on a few occasions, would go home with some guy. This was before we started dating, but I was always afraid that she would still do that after we had been together. She stopped going out and drinking for my peace of mind and happiness. Yes, she didn't have to and I actually didn't ask her to, but she did it because she loved me. Sometimes we all have to stop doing some things for the other person's happiness and peace of mind.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 I'm inclined to agree that its normal to share things with each other, and say where your off out to, just because you should want to. Their are certains ways we all need to behave when in a relationship, and it doesn't sound like she's managing that too well.
BUT i dont think its ever a brilliant idea to try and change someone, if you smoked weed, she could of made a decision to date you or not, if you decide to stop smoking it, then so be it, cool. But you also should see that she likes to drink. And either accept it or dont date her.
We all have choices? If i met someone that smoked and drank everyday for instance, i simply would choose to not date them. If i decided to date them, then i need to accept them for who they are right at that moment.
If that all made sense.
C xxxxx
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