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male
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anonymous
writes: Ok sorry for the length.I've got a time bomb waiting to happen but lack some confidence here. Ever since leaving my old job I've been in contact with a married older female colleague (she's 46 I'm 26). We spend a lot of time together socially. But recently its come to light that she lies to her husband about where she goes when she meets up with me.The reason being her husband hates her being around other men. Apparently his first wife cheated on him so he's been like it ever since. My lady friend has poured out some of her heart to me and basically she feels trapped in a loveless marriage. She's down most of the time and hardly gets to go out as her relationship with her husband is apparently difficult. She's also mentioned that there is no sex either. So here's where it worries me the most.What if her husband finds out that she's been seeing another man and she's lied? Of course he's going to think its an affair. I doubt the age gap will make it seem any different in his eyes. She's even been over to my place a few times which looks even worse. I've tried to convince her with a softly, softly approach to tell him but that hasn’t worked. I was thinking I should go and see him myself. I'm not scared but I just don’t want this kind of trouble in my life, I just find it hard to push her with the amount of problems she already has.We have to meet up in 'out of the way' places and its annoying to be honest. All we do is drink and chat, that’s it. She's a great woman for company and I don’t want to stop seeing her but I don’t want the nonsense that comes with it. I just don’t know how to approach this without making it worse some how.
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (3 October 2006):
 She is in a bad situation but you agreeing to see her in secret isn't helping. It does sound like you get on really well, but can you be sure that she hasn't got an ulterior motive? All the secrecy and sneaking is, whatever your relationship, a form of her cheating on her husband. She needs to sort out her situation. This was not your problem but you are creating one by being her accomplice. Maybe you should say you won't meet in way out places, or have her come to your home. If you're not interested in this woman for a relationship and she's truly just a friend, she should show that some respect and have it be out in the open. If it's innocent, she will, whatever her husband thinks. He has fears she'll cheat because of an ex partner, well this isn't the way to dispel those fears, by lying etc. BUT if she's unhappy in her marriage, that's something she needs to deal with at home. You don't need this going on in your life, so put your foot down and say you don't like the secrecy.
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