A
male
age
30-35,
*ndrewL
writes:Hi i'm very confused and need some advice about my girlfriend.I have been together with my partner for 4 years now. She is younger than me and is now 24. When she was growing up she received a lot of attention from her mother's brother who lived with the family. He would brush her hair every night and call her pet names. When she was 17 he told her to get undressed in front of him She said it wasn't sexual abuse. She never told anyone but it happened on vacation and he would always be touching her non sexually in front of everyone as she was always referred to as the 'pretty thing' or 'lovely lil' even in front of her two sisters. My problem is that she has now been spending time with this man who is much much older. She has been going to his house regularly and even on a holiday with him. I feel she might be falling for him which seems crazy but one time i saw them together and he touched her behind for a little too long and she didn't react badly. What should I do? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (3 June 2009):
 He has been "grooming" her in a predatory manner for many years, working on her head which is brainwashing. Yes, something is going on here and I think it's going to take more than a talk or anything from you to get this to stop.
Although she was of legal age, his strategy is very similar to that of a pedophile- they first work on the minds of susceptable, vulnerable minors and then work on their body. It is common for the victim to feel "protective" of the person doing this to her/him and that's why I think she'll be extremely defensive if you try and talk to her about this strange relationship.
Another thing, she has probably compartmentalized this relationship with her uncle for many years in order to justify it and allow it to continue- it's kept separate in her mind from her romantic relationships, like with you.
The fact is, she has been taken advantage of and seduced by a family member which is incest. Your main agenda is getting him out of the picture so you can continue your relationship "like normal", problem solved. The problem is that there are deeper issues here with this girl and what she needs is professional help and she won't be receptive to that until either the spell is broken or something happens that "jolts" her illusions.
The threat of this ending your relationship may be that jolt or she could be in such denial that you won't be able to get through to her. You'll know this is she gets angry, defensive, and accuses you of being jealous and defends him. That would be your cue to move on, not much you can do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): she has a unhealthy attraction to him?? if she has gone on holiday and spending to much time at his home, what is there to say that their relationship hasn't crossed the line. this man is sexually attracted to her , even yo have noticed it so maybe she is downplaying it or just enjoying it.
have you considered maybe having a jab at him in a friendly manner just to see his reaction. or can you discuss this relationship with perhaps her close family member. but be careful she may think you are overstepping your role as her bf. or you may just be making a mountian out of nothing.
when i was in hight school many moons ago, a girl from my class used to get picked up and dropped off by her mothers brother. we always assumed that something was amiss just by their appearances. one day the girl did not arrive at school and one of the friends decided to ask her mother whether she was ill. the mother did not know anything about her daughter missing school that day. i don't really know how this situation panned out but what i know this girls uncle was superly overly suspiciously protective over his niece. meaning his interest in her was unhealthy.
the same could be happening here so a frank talk to your gf is in order. maybe she was too little at 17 to realise the full extent of his sexual attraction but now as a 24 yr ols woman she is definately interested.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): It doesn't sound as if her relationship with her uncle is a healthy one. Unfortunately she is now an adult, so even if their relationship is not appropriate there is really nothing you can do besides talk to her about, provided she consents to whatever this uncle is up to.
You need to tell her what you think of this and suggest counseling if she is open to it. If she isn't, give her an ultimatum: the uncle goes, or you do. At least then you will know where she stands and whether or not you should invest any more time in this girl. Good luck
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A
female
reader, superdolly  +, writes (3 June 2009):
it sounds to me as if shes very confused about her love for this man, you really need to sit down and discuss that its making you feel alittle uncomfortable spending alot of time with her uncle, she's always been around him and hes made a mark in her life and she feels loyalty to him but i think this has alot to do with her theres not much you can do unfortunatly talk to her about it but only she can change things u need to support her. and she wouldn't react badly cause thats the way hes always been.
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A
female
reader, shania + ♥, writes (3 June 2009):
 Sorry but her uncle is a pervert, who has an unhealthy interest in his neice....the fact he asked her to go and get undressed tells me he is sexually interested and thats incest. You will have to tell her straight that it is very wrong to be having a sexual relationship with her uncle and if she is committed to you then she shouldn't be hanging around with him....What does she want? Ask her because i dont like the sound of this at all. If she gives you more half baked stories then im afraid your relationship is doomed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): you defiantly should sit down and talk to her about it.
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