A
female
age
36-40,
*mari Solanthus
writes:This is a very complicated problem, but I'll try to be as concise as I can.My best friend has been very depressed recently--to the point of severe depression, and I don't know what to do.The cause of her depression is the fear of change and feeling that everyone is moving on and leaving her behind.She's afraid because all of her other friends have partners and are moving on, and now me, her closest friend, is also trying to find someone, and she feels like she's going to be cast aside as another memory.I've tried telling her that people, circumstances, etc, they all change, and she has to change with them if she's afraid, but she gets angry and points out that she is afraid of change to begin with, and so won't make any steps to change herself.She even went as far as to ask me to promise that I would never leave her behind. She didn't want to emotionally blackmail me, but she couldn't bear me leaving her behind, since, due to issues she won't discuss and I wouldn't divulge even if I did know, she won't be able to form any other strong attachments to anyone. If she lost me, that'd be it. No more friends, and she would completely fall apart. (This is a form of co-dependency syndrome, I think.)I told her no one could completely promise that, but I did promise that I would be her friend as long as she wanted me to be, and as long as it was within my power I wouldn't leave her behind... but I don't think it's enough.Now, my friend is very stubborn. She is 22 and has never had a job. She wants to work with animals, but doesn't have the qualifications and believes she doesn't have the intelligence, though I think it's also a case of she doesn't want to put in all the effort it takes to GET that kind of job. And she won't get any other job, because she's very stubborn and won't work in a job she considers beneath her. She's highly arrogant and aggressive, which is how she protects herself.But in the end, if she can't/won't change herself so she can deal with these feelings, then how can I help her? I'm aiming for a job in publishing which will involve me moving to London, far away from here, but how can I go if it means leaving her behind? The way she is, I fear she may do something someday...What can I do?????
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female
reader, chloe71z  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 well as far as getting over her fear of change help her to change something little in her life that wont have as much Significance as somthing big. and then a week later you can go back and point it out to her, like hey you changed this and that wasnt so bad then move to something a little more Significance, and then point it out to her and so on. good luck with your friend.
and remember that before you walk you have to crawl.
God Bless
A
female
reader, Umari Solanthus +, writes (6 September 2008):
Umari Solanthus is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to everyone who's replied to this. I just thought I'd give an update.
My friend is a little more cheerful now--whether that's through her opening up to me or she's just pushed the feelings aside I don't know. I told her that I always admired her and looked for praise from her, which seemed to cheer her up a little, but she is still very nonchalent and cold towards anyone doing anything that is 'out of the norm' for our circle of friends.
It will be a very difficult task trying to get her to get professional help. She is supposed to be on medication as it is (I cannot divulge what medication) and she doesn't take that, even though she's supposed to, and I daren't tell her to take it. As I said, she is rather aggressive, and I'm naturally shy and meek (not the best combination), so I fear hurtful remarks from her.
I did brave telling her she has to change to stop feeling this way, and her response was "What part of change is anathema to me do you not get?" That just about used up my courage.
So, if I can't actually make her get help or change herself so she can cope, does anyone have any tips on how I can help her to overcome her fear of change and help her to progress?
I've tried talking about her maybe learning a new skill. She agreed and we both agreed to learn a new one, but with her lack of drive I doubt it will happen, and I don't know how to encourage her without receiving a rebuke.
I just wish I could do more. I'm supposed to be her best friend, but I feel I'm failing because I cannot or dare not do anything to help her change so she feels happier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): HiHopefully she will get off her butt and try and change her life, you are not responsible for her, she is responsible for her. Tell her to walk with you and progress...if she is a true friend she would not want you to stand still...big mistake for you and selfish of her to want you to.We can all sit in our own misery....abuse etc..as many of us have experienced it..sometimes more than once..and bereavements too..real emotional pain..from childhood right through to adulthood, never ending blackness, but we don't all do what she is doing WALLOWING and expecting you to as well. You know that some people actually don't want others to get on in life and it's nothing to do with undying loyalty in freindship or depression! I predict when and if one day she has opportunity she won't think twice about leaving you behind. Some people want to TAKE TAKE..and GIVE nothing not even GIVING YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT WHATS WRONG WITH HER.You may think this is hard but she will never move on if you FEED her sympathy, it will not help her and certainly wont help you. What i do find suspicious is if she is so close to you why has she not divulged what her issues are? i find this very very odd. Agressive and highly arrogant is how you describe your freind..she does not sound very vunerable to me...and you sound like you enjoy been NEEDED co-dependancy quite possibly between you both! You may actually be making her worse without realising. ( you are a good freind though i see that).
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A
female
reader, chloe71z +, writes (31 August 2008):
It sounds like to me that your friend needs to go see a profecional about depression(a very serious problem if it gets out of hand). She might also need some counsling with a phsycologist or a theropist. But you cant put your life on hold. Tell your friend she is welcome to come along for the ride and be a part of your life an if and when she decides to do something with her life then you WILL be ther to suport her in every decision that she makes. LOVE her and be a friend to her couse if ther is one thing that she needs most right now is you as her friend. OH and one more thing. Your friend needs to pray and ask God to help her with these things also and you to so that God can help you help her through this time in your life. I know I know the last thing you want to hear is some body telling you to seek God and everything will be OK. I am not going to tell you everything will be ok But I will tell you that I have done this in my own life and God is understanding and forgiving. Remember He knows what you need before you even ask for it. All you have to do is ask. God will never put anything on you that he knows you can not handle with a little guidence from him. Just remember He loves you and Your friend. Take Care and I will pray for you and your friend to have his will in your lives. God Bless.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Contacting her family and friends may make things worse, and its really whats best for you. I think you should sit down, have a mature chat with her and say she needs to get consuelling as you need to move on with your own life.
Although you will be there for her, and make that clear to her, she needs help. Say if she doesn't seek consuelling on her own then you'll have to alert her family.
I know at first this will make things worse. But you'll regret this if she does commit suicide, won't you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Depression can be a very manipulative illness, yes there is a high chance of suicide, but depression has many forms. What you describe sounds like situational depression, she's stuck and she doesn't want to change and make things better. She wants everything to stay the same, and in this way she'll be safe...
Unfortunately she has no reason to change. She has had tons of support and now she is trying to trap people to stay with her and protect her from life. This is no good, you must get on with your life and she must get on with hers. She may threaten all types of things, but what can you do if she refuses to help herself.
Counselling will be no good. She is frightened, she probably will refuse to go and even if she dose, she will use techniques to avoid getting better and she will not co-operate so it will do her no good.
Co-dependency is no good, she again manipulates people and traps them into the role of an enabler. This again is no good, because you are the person, (metorphorically) who is giving the alcoholic their next drink.
So what can you do... well you need a reason to make her seek help. You can bargin with her, and then reward her every time she makes some movement to get healthy, well and happy. For example no change, no contact, no friendship, because you have more important things to do. If she starts looking for work, then you promise to e-mail her once a week... I hope you get the idea.
Contact as many of her friends, family and people she knows and tell them you are worried about her, but you really need to go. She will beg you to keep her secrets, but it is really a manipulative trap, because she dosen't want to change, so she dosen't want any help.
She will seek help when either things get too bad, and she has no option except hell or fighting back. She will also change when she wants to, she may wake up one day and decide she wants to live a healthy life. But this total support which is costing her nothing, is allowing her to protect herself and stay in this situation and refuse to get well...
PS: Make sure she knows you love her and care for her, and tell her that you will never leave her and will always be a friend. All this is good, but their must be a reason to change and at the moment I can't see one for her.
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A
female
reader, shiraz +, writes (30 August 2008):
hiya, firstly you sound a really good friend to have around in a desperate time of need. your friend sounds incredibly insecure and as much as you are helping it shouldnt fall onto you to sort this, you can only offer guidance and support for your friend but the only person who can really help your friend is your friend (if that makes sense!)
Depression is an illness and i agree that maybe professional help is the key to a happier future and maybe you could gently advise your friend as to entering a world of work wher she can experiance day to day life rather than sittting aroud and thinking of this and only this, maybe a active lifestyle might ease your friend into taking control of her life and focusing on all the god aspects of it and also make her see that maybe if she focused more on the frinds she currently has (you) snd what a rock youve been for her she may begin to realise pople to move on but theres always life after, sometimes a better one i wish her the best of luck and you should be proud as a person and a friend for brining this to light for her it will reasure her of te REAL frends she has in her life, well done xxx
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (30 August 2008):
 OK, your friend needs serious professional help, and no excuses. If you're really a good friend to her you will work with her to find some way to get her into a counselor's office or something like that. And sooner rather than later.
I don't think I have to quote you the statistics about the percentage of suicides in which depression is a factor, do I? OK, I will anyway. About 15% of the people with clinical depression (nearly one out of six) die from suicide.
Find a way to get this woman into counseling right away. She needs it. Keep on being her friend and give her all the support you can. But friends and a support network, while necessary, cannot substitute for adequate professional care.
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