A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My three best friends and I have been a group since high school. Now that we're seniors in college, we're busy but we still organize bi-monthly hangouts. I attend the same school as one of my friends whom I see more often. She is the one I see most often, but whenever we plan something, whether it's the occasional workout at the gym, window shopping, or just having lunch together, she always invites her boyfriend. Sometimes she asks beforehand in which I say that I would prefer to catch up with her first and that maybe he could meet up after (which he never fails to do) so I only get a short amount of time with her. Sometimes he just shows up. When we have girls night out, he doesn't show up for dinner (thank goodness) but he ALWAYS shows up for part two. The rest of us find this quite annoying. We have all had boyfriends, not always at the same time, but she is the only one that always brings her boyfriend. Not only does she not sense that we dislike this, neither does her boyfriend. We are not crazy about him but we're happy that he's good to her.We used to all live in the same town, and I attend the same school with this one friend, but now she has moved to the opposite direction of school. She doesn't drive because she carpools with her sister, so if her sister can't bring her to hangouts, her boyfriend does. This creates an awkward situation, because we don't want her boyfriend to come, but sometimes it's the only way. Picking her up or driving to her place is quite out of the way and far for the rest of us. Last time our friend organized an event and included the phrase "No boys!" as a playful hint but my friend couldn't attend that event. This time, we labeled the event "Girls Night Out at _____" and found his name in the invitation list. I wish she had at least given us a heads up? Any suggestions? Thank you!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 She's your friend, so why can't you just tell her the truth? Be diplomatic and respectful, but say it like it is. That you would like girls night out to be JUST the girls. That while your respect their relationship, he isn't a good friend of yours, and he's her boyfriend, not the groups friend. If she wants to spend time with him she should arrange meetings with him, not bring him to your girls-nights out. If she wants her boyfriend to get to know her friends that is great, and tell her you'd like to spend time with them both, but that needs to happen in a different setting. She and her boyfriend need to invite you, or the other girls, with them for an event of their own. He can't tag along to every even that is intended for JUST the girls.
I don't get why he wants to attend either, every guy I know of would dread attending a girls night out, with just girls chatting, girls who aren't really his friends either. It's just as boring as it is for a woman to attend every game-night a boyfriend has with his friends, where they for example play Counter Strike all night long. It's boring when it's not "your" thing, so God knows why he wants to attend. I'm thinking it is your FRIEND who is controlling, not this guy. Your friend sounds like she doesn't trust him to be on his own without her, sounds like she has a need to control him and thus needs to keep him around at all times.
I'd just tell her how it is. Don't bring in what the other girls think, just speak for yourself, and it'll be fine.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 October 2013):
 'make new friends but keep the old (friends). One is silver the other Gold'
You have tried to drop hints and as the first DC Aunt observed, it hasn't worked. The fact that your friend has moved further away, and does not drive, further complicates things. But for some reason your friend is giving priority to her boyfriend over her long term friends.
Of course she remains an important friend to you but she is lacking some consideration for the fallout from her decision to enable her boyfriend's regular attendance at the gathering of long term girlfriends.
I suspect one of the issues may be her boyfriend. She does not want to alienate him. But it's OK by her to choose to ignore all your hints.
Most guys and most girls would take the hint.
But she is ignoring requests from her long term girlfriends. She knows you are not happy but she continues on, regardless.
He is even more obvious. Most guys are happy for some 'me' time and thus are comfortable with their partner also having their own 'me' time.
But not this guy. That lack of empathy is not a good sign. It borders on a lack of respect. Namely, he 'wants to attend, so too bad what you think, he will attend.'
If she is lacking in confidence and as a result has attracted a potentially controlling boyfriend then all i can say is , 'good luck'. If and when she breaks up with him, then she will need you. Thus if she remains important to you and your friends then maybe occasionally make a big effort and invite her to stay over for a 'girls night in', starting Saturday and continuing until Sunday brunch.
And where you all turn off your phones and place your phones in an off-limits cupbard during the sleep over..
If she and her boyfriend freak out about such an absence then you can only hope she comes to understand why it's important to retain some independence in a relationship and in a marriage.
Let her know you are available if she ever wants to talk. That you want to remain friends. That you also do occasionally do want a girls night only.
If she does not want to agree to such an arrangemen, then that may mean that you see less of each other for a while.
That you can still keep in touch via texts and phone and other online ways.
But since a girls only night is an important way for long term friends to bond, she has to wear the consequences of preferring to appease her boyfriend's needs first.
Long term girfriends are very important to girls. It keeps us grounded.
So stand up for what will help your long term friendships to continue and grow.
Ask for what you need.
You are not asking for too much. A girls night out is a very normal way for girls to bond. Girls of any age, that is.
Without any guys being present.
And if there is no resolution? Tell her how she remains important to you.
That you will be happy to see her when there is a mixed gathering, where she and her boyfriend will always be welcome.
Do not allow her to try to guilt you. She has made a choice. She has to handle the consequences of her decisions.
The presence of her boyfriend on a Girl's night out causes a discordant factor. That's an issue that is affecting the relationships in the whole group.
Ask her what solution/s might work, from her perspective. Suggest any solutions that might work for the whole group.
But the situation, if it still keeps festering, could break up the whole group.
That would be a sad outcome, if it's allowed to happen.
Far better to deal with this issue now, before things become more strained. Even though it will not be easy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): I don't know why this came to mind but here it goes:I used to be that girl that had her boyfriend during girl-night-out. The girl that ended up ditching her friends b/c she ran into her boyfriend during a girls-night-out. It was because my boyfriend wasn't as nice as everyone thought. In fact, when he was in public, with co workers, around my friends and family etc., he treated me like a queen and everyone thought I was "lucky". People at work thought the random flowers or balloons were just so sweet ...My boyfriend was possessive and jealous. Yeah, he would skip dinner but show up for the "second part" because girls-night-out meant dressing like sluts and flirting with other guys. My jealous boyfriend gave me flowers/balloons as a way to get other people's attention (I was a cashier) and to tell people (in a very passive agressive way) that I was taken and off limits. my guy friends (or any guy for that matter) acted very distant (what ex wanted), my female friends pretty well decided I didn't belong because my boyfriend was there all the time. (that was exs point, he only wanted me with him.)I guess I'm saying that she's either so insecure that she feels she needs a "I have a boyfriend don't even try" advertisement; 0r maybe her boyfriend doesn't like the idea of her going out with the girls. Especially if it's more than dinner. Maybe HE is the insecure one and can't stand to see her o out with friends. I hope I'm wrong on taht
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 This is really difficult isn't it?
She's not getting the hints so I think, if you're all feeling this way, then you have to tell her.
Obviously that's not going to be easy because you don't want to offend her.
I suggest you say something along the lines that you like her boyfriend and don't have a problem with him but you would prefer it if he didn't you join you all for your nights out unless he's actually invited because you would prefer them to be exclusively for the girls and is that ok.
If she says it's not ok or you don't think you can tell her that, then you girls have to make a decision.
You can maybe not invite her at all or only invite her to one get together every month or every other month and put up with her boyfriend.
This is a really tough situation and I don't really know what else to advise, I'm keen to hear what the other aunts and uncles think of this one!
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): When I first saw this question I thought to suggest the friendly, playful 'no boys!' kind of hint too but reading on I guess that hasn't worked. You need to be careful here as it's one of the oldest stories in the book-friends for years then it all ends badly over their bf/gf. Since she clearly hasn't accepted the hints, unfortunately now you guys have 2 choices-either deal with it, or be straight up.I would suggest bein straight up, however you need to make sure that in no way do you put down her bf, or suggest you dislike him, make sure she knows you support her. As friends, we have the responsibility to support our friends no matter what, including their choice of boyfriends. If it works out, then that's her business and if it doesn't, you wat to make her feel like she can turn to you, not have you saying 'i told you sooo'. simply stress that you guys like girls nights out, also don't make it seem like he can NEVER come, but just regularly isn't perhaps the best fit.
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