A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hey, well Im 18 years old and as of yet had not had a girlfriend. I was born with a birth defect to my hands in which my fingers are deformed.The only relationship i've had has been an online one and she knew about my situation. I'm not anti-social. In fact, i know that i can be a fairly extrovert guy judging by the way i act with people that know me well and feel comfortable with. The problem is that those people are VERY few or family. Im not ugly judging by what some girls have told me. My main problem arises when I try to make new friends or try talking to a girl I like. Im really scared to show them my hands so i like keep them hidden in my pocket or whatever. As a result I come off as very tense and isolated. I have a reason to feel scared. In 7th grade, I was picked on constantly throughout the whole year because of my hands. Before then i wasn't really so scared. Other times too i have shown a girl my hands and she has stopped talking to me. I just don't know what to do. Im beggining to feel like I might not ever get a girlfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I am hispanic and my family ( male side) is incredibly obnoxious when it comes to women. They constantly tease me and ridicule me because I haven't had sex yet, specifically my uncle and cousin. To them, the age you have sex at is a competition. They believe getting girls is part of being a man. So when they do that, I get incredibly angry and embarrassed. I try to ignore it as much as I can but they constantly ask me every time I come home. They believe I should have had sex already because they had sex when they were young (around 13 yrs old). They are proud of it and question when a man as old as I am still hasn't had sex. Its not that they do it on purpose to hurt my feelings. They love me. Its just that they assume nothing is wrong with me and therefore I should have a girl. They don't stop to think that my hands are an impediment. This is part of the reason I don't trust anyone to talk with. I also feel like I embarrass my dad when they bring the issue up so I don't talk to him about it either. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH ANYONE talking about my personal feelings. My name is Humberto btw....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey. Im the person who posted the question. I want to thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate everyone answering this question and it is good to hear from people who have similar problems to mine. Well, i've been in college for a semester so far. I have no girlfriend. i have kind of avoided relationships. It is still incredibly painful being so self-conscious all the time. As I have continued to reflect upon my situation I have realized the main reasons for why I experience trouble.
1) the main reason i am afraid to flirt with a girl or ask a girl out is because I am afraid of intimacy. I just simply can't imagine putting my hands on a girl. I can't imagine a girl not being repulsed by the very idea of me touching her. And even if a girl doesn't mind...I'm just not comfortable with the idea either. I feel like my hands won't belong on her and it bothers me deeply. It almost makes me feel impotent because I don't think I can ever give a girl the satisfaction of being touched by a man.
2) I avoid contact activities because I don't want anyone to see or have to touch my hands. I love sports and would love to play but I have trouble catching and throwing footballs because of my hands. My college offers judo and dancing classes which I would like to take but I don't want anyone to have to deal with my hands. I KNOW that it will always be on their mind and make them uncomfortable. They may not refuse because they won't want to hurt my feelings but I know that they will be uncomfortable and reluctant.
3) Being in college, meeting people and making contacts are important. This usually requires a handshake. This is incredibly difficult for me. How the heck am I supposed to do this without making the situation awkward or messing up a potential contact? How will I ever handle this in the professional world?
Things have not really improved. I feel like my hands keep me bottled up from being the person I want to be. I really believe that if things were different, I would be a completely different person. I just don't know what to do but I am growing increasingly lonely and frustrated. I don't have a close friend with whom I feel comfortable sharing my feelings and struggles with. I don't trust anyone at all with this. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Hi,
I don't know if you're still reading this thread but I wanted to say something anyway.
I was born with a defect called "radial club hands." Basically, my arms are slightly shorter in length than most people's and I have four fingers. I was home schooled because my local schools wanted to place me in classes for the developmentally disabled, so I grew up very insulated from judgment. I love the way I look, I like fashion, I'm very into keeping myself healthy and attractive. I have good friends and a very good family but sometimes I do wonder if my small difference (something most people don't immediately notice) prevents people from thinking about me romantically. Maybe, it is a natural human tendency to look for the most suitable mate, though my defect is not hereditary.
Because of my upbringing, most of my life I haven't thought of my arms at all. I'm an artist and I love to sew. I like using my hands and I have no "disability" at all.
The hard part is that I overcompensate for my appearance by acting very outgoing, when I am naturally painfully shy. The result is that people can't get close to me much at all. Meeting people for the first time is hard. I always force myself to shake their hand and I pretend not to notice when their eyes flutter between my hands and my face, then they look embarrassed.
I don't really know if it is better to force myself to shake hands or to shove my hands in my pockets like you do. Either way, being constantly self conscious is painful.
It gets better though. And soon you'll find that person who looks you in the eye and holds your hands without batting an eye. Like I did. Finding romance is hard for everyone. Whether you;re tall, short, fat, skinny or whatever. People worry about their own unique set of issues that might prevent them from finding it, but give it time and be confident. Most people don't know how to react to something that they haven't confronted before. Be yourself and soon that girl who stopped talking to you after you showed her will come back because it wasn't your hands she was interested in in the first place. If she doesn't, then she wasn't really interested to begin with. Trust me. Your hands are not a deciding factor. Many many people enter their 20s (or even later) without having had a bf/gf yet. Everyone has their own time frame and you shouldn't worry too much about it.
Good luck,
I know it is hard not to think that everything is connected to that one difference, because being different is hard. Having four fingers isn't what makes me different from everyone else, but I'll never be the same as them because of it either. And I wouldn't want to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): well my fingers are deformed too so u shouldnt feel alone x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): hey, dont worry about it. i, personally, would find it cool. to me it makes u an individual. its important to show who u really r and to let people no that u do have some different asspects about ur self. if the people r worth anything at all then they will be fine with how u r. dont worry bout the not havin a girl friend thing. there is ALWAYS someone out there for someone. and u dont need to start looking for the one and only person. just have fun with ur friends and dont have any worrys. u only live once.
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A
female
reader, ship08  +, writes (30 December 2008):
Hey- This is an amazing story. I know how you feel because I have a similar story to tell, except that i had 2 boyfriends before and i am in my early 20's. My boyfriends seemed pretty much fine with my fingers.
I went from elementary school to university hiding my hands. Sometimes i will even cry, because i feel so different, but my friends and family were always there to support me. Some people don't understand, but we do feel different, like if we are missing out on somethings. I tried my best to have a high self esteem, but sometimes it's very easy to feel discourage when you are in the crowd and tend to have lots of unwanted attention. However, we need to encourage ourselves, because we are important people who have a part to play in this life. Please let's not feel sorry for ourselves.
Also, I am a teacher who is exposed to lots of kids who asking questions about my fingers. My fingers are part of me and i have to be proud of who I am and enjoy life just like anyone else. I believe that you can do the same.
I also believe that you are going to get a girlfriend soon. Be proud of you are, walk with confidence and remember that you are special just the way God has created you. Give me a shout sometime.
Lots of love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): Hey man, I was born with the same thing, still struggling through it, I'm 17 and still a bit self-conscious about it. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.
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A
female
reader, mimarii +, writes (27 October 2008):
heyyy i dont know how often you read this, but im a girl and i was born with four fingers and its tottally cool. i think your friends suckk because i have tons of friends, mostly because the really good friends that i have ALWAYS stick up for me so i guess others see that example and they dont let it get in the way of becoming my friend. im also from miami and people are open to alot of diffrent things..i just think your friend suck trust me its not you. oh and by the way whats wrong with your hands exactly..if its okay to ask..casue i have never met anyone with four fingers itd be cool if you had four fingers too :)
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A
female
reader, Seratuki +, writes (14 May 2008):
 Hello...
I have physical problems as well...and I have become anti-social because of it, but now, at the age of 28 I have realized that most people react badly to physical deformaties because they just don't KNOW any better!
I find that in my own life if I make jokes about it with people it puts them at ease with me and it's eventually no longer an issue.
I understand the frusteration tho, please don't think I don't understand it, and there are times even now when some people's reaction bother me...but then, I wouldn't change it.
you see, people like you and I..people born outside of the so called "normal" society are given a wonderful gift. the gift of appriciation, the gift of understanding and compassion much deeper because we can see the world from outside the normal parameters.
If I wasn't born with my problems I wouldn't be ME! I wouldnt be able to understand people in this way...and as much as it hurts I truly believe someday you will feel the same...
give it time, try to keep a select group of friends and know deep down that those who reject you are not worth having in the first place...
feel free to message me if you want to talk...anytime.
Blessed Be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): You're still very young, some girls need to grow up a bit.
I'm sure your hands are perfectly fine - you might just think that they're not because of what people have been telling you.
If you're comfortable with your hands no one will notice and if they do they might even think it cute.
Work on your personality and the way you treat people especially the girls you like - you'll find someone who's the perfect fit.
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A
female
reader, Dorasultan  +, writes (13 May 2008):
hey, i hope you are fine when you read this reply.
I think you should go to a club where there are people with similar problems and you could see that you are not the only one who is in this situation.
the most important thing is you should get confidence.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (13 May 2008):
 Hi, saw your post and it reminded me of a well known broadcast and actress here in the US, Bree Walker. She's been married 3 times and has 2 children, so there's definitely hope for you! Though I rather hope you don't have to divorce as many times as she did. Here's a link to her on Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bree_Walker
I have no doubt that if you keep your confidence high and cultivate your personality and keep on making friends that you will find a girl who sees past a physical anomaly to the real you!
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): hey, i hope you are fine when you read this reply.
I think you should go to a club where there are people with similar problems and you could see that you are not the only one who is in this situation.
the most important thing is you should get confidence.
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A
female
reader, sassymouse +, writes (13 May 2008):
 hey! dont worry about it! honestly any one who judges you because of a birth defect is a complete loser! dont be shy about it, dont feel like you have to hide it, if you put it out there as soon as you meet people etc they will just accept it as part of you! trust me, you deserve better than anyone who would have massive hangups about a hand! good luck! x
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A
female
reader, sweetheart03 +, writes (13 May 2008):
I think you shouldn't hide them....if I met you ill rather see the real you then be shocked later if it was to shock me. By showing girls off the bat and they still talk to you it shows you how loyal or how it doesn't bother them they way you may have thought it would. If your handsome your hands don't matter....feet arm anything else! I look for the person you are and I know a lot of girls who do the same! So just wait and c the right girl will come...just don't hide it ok! Don't be ashamed 7 grade is hard for everyone the older you get your friends should be more mature and won't act like little kids..... So good luck and give it time I didn't date til I was 19 he was my first boyfriend.....so good luck.kisses*
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A
female
reader, bellalicious  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Most girls loves guys because of their inner beauty, not outer beauty :D
Girls who minds your finger, ain't worth, trust me (:
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): hey dont be shy dude ,my teacher has the same thing but he has no fingers except his wedding finger which he had put there ,i cant say his name but hes around 37 ,38 not sure but hes married and has a son [his wife is hot ] so yea
you will get a girl freind its just a matter of time ,hey i dont have a girl freind yet...and im only 15
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): hey dont be shy dude ,my teacher has the same thing but he has no fingers except his wedding finger which he had put there ,i cant say his name but hes around 37 ,38 not sure but hes married and has a son [his wife is hot ] so yea
you will get a girl freind its just a matter of time ,hey i dont have a girl freind yet...and im only 15
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