A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Finding this site is a true blessing.I need some advice on my inlaws because I feel like I'm losing my mind.So I've been with my partner for 12 years now. My inlaws are eccentric types. My father in law has always been in poor health so when he insults me and I try to tell my partner the comments hurt me, my partner says, "look, my dad won't be around forever" so I never mention it further and feel terrible for even bringing it up.For the entire time I've known them, they make subtle, yet condescending comments directed at me that my partner rarely seems to notice. I'm one of those passive, sensitive types that wears my heart on my sleeve, so I constantly second guess myself - am I overeacting as my partner says? He says I'm way too "over sensitive and take everything personally".Since my partner and I have moved into his first home (which they have helped toward financially), I have to see my inlaws everyday and it feels more like THEIR home. They live on the other side of town but they'll show up with a newspaper they think my partner wants to read, a piece of non urgent mail, ANY excuse to see their son. I know I should be grateful for these little things but I find myself feeling crazy that I'm still asking myself whether they like me after all these years of being faithfully devoted to their son.Unfortunately, the surprise daily visit includes a patronizing comment or two at my expense. Recently, we adopted a rescue dog. I've been unable to conceive children (not that they know this) and I wanted to give that love to an animal that deserves a second chance. They advised against a rescue, claiming I'd be taking on someone else's problem.Of course, not having children, I've had the chance to spoil my dog. He means the world to me. I've researched dog nutrition and cook all his meals. Intead of my inlaws saying anything positive about my being proactive, they make comments about how hungry he looks or if I'm feeding him at the time, my mother in law will say, "Is that all your giving him?" The vets we've been to, however, tell me he's the perfect weight and in "top condition". I think my inlaws seem to use the dog as a way to undermine me, as if they know it's a way to hurt me, because I'm so determined to give my dog the best life possible. I feel I'm getting a preview to what they'd be like as grandparents.I'll tell them the lovely meal I've made him, quite proud of myself, and my mother in law will say, "Is that all?" In case she thinks I haven't heard her the first time, she even repeats it. I never react for my partner's sake (plus he claims they never mean it as I take it) but I always feel like someone's kicked me in the stomach. They always make me feel as though I'm neglecting my dog when I am so intent on giving him the best care possible. Before my dog joined our family, rescues were "someone else's problem", now suddenly they feel the need for me to justify the care I provide him, as if he's neglected! I've let ALL OF THESE COMMENTS GO.. but now my father in law has a new hobbie horse - my weight. I'm slightly overweight for my age, not hugely though and my cholestral/glucose are in the perfect range so I'm not worried.Anyway, the past couple of times my father in law has visited, I've been eating and he's said, "you should be worried about weight" and I've explained that my sister suffered anorexia for 10 years, as he knows, and I don't want to become obsessed with looking perfect but he's insisted, "oh no, it's very important, you should always be worried about it." I shrugged off the comments even though they made me feel terrible. My partner claims he just cares about my wellbeing.A few days ago, they visited and I was eating some yoghurt. My father in law said, "You shouldn't be eating that." I let it go, then he said it again. I changed the subject to the type of yoghurt it was and how he should have some and he said, "I don't care. You shouldn't be eating that." I'd had a tiring day with my puppy and I wasn't in the mood to be on the defense so I just walked away. Since then, I've just feel awful. They're always asking us there for dinners and I'm just so tired of these little comments and how they make me feel. After my best friend died a year ago, I really have no one neutral to confide in about how I feel so I talk to my partner and he goes on the defense about how this is precious time with his elderly dad and how I take it personally when he was just being helpful.What are your thoughts? I would be most grateful to hear back from anyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): Thank you for all your advice :)
To answer the most recent poster, yes, I deliberately said "his house" because the house is under his parent's name & my partner is paying them back slowly. I am searching for work but have had a difficult time finding anything long term for the past couple of years so I help out as much as possible.
The fact that the house is under his parent's name & that I haven't contributed financially as much as I would have liked to, I feel I don't have many rights & ask myself if I'm allowed to be upset about their daily visits & lack of privacy when I'm living in their home?
They are quite old & when they're gone, I assume the house will be transferred to my partner's name. I don't want anything from them but I do feel like if I'm living in their home do I just have to accept a lot of this & be glad I have a nice place to sleep. It's a horrible feeling. I wish we jointly owned our house & had paid for it ourselves, so I could feel confident in saying, "This is our home & if you have nothing nice to say, then don't come here."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): The others are right in a way - it IS your partner that's key in this; by not standing up for you AND by not standing up for both of you as a couple, he is letting his parents walk all over you. I was in a very similar situation but made the mistake of tolerating it for FAR too long.But what I want to say to you is that, whilst we can say it's your partner who is key, ultimately YOU are enabling this whole situation by staying in it. When I was in this similar situation there were so many OTHER red flags that I was either ignoring or oblivious to, believing I deserved no better. I bet you any money that the same goes for your situation - there are probably loads more ways in which your partner is totally ineffective as a partner and isn't doing very much at all to make you feel loved. In fact, that would probably account for part of the reason why his parents hurt you so much with what they say - if you felt totally happy with his love, even if he didn't say anything to them to their face, that would protect you and you wouldn't be hurting so much. As far as I see it the other respondent is right; he's never stood up to them, he's still their 'baby' and they see you as a threat to their baby.If you found out you can't conceive then that is probably a major blow to your self esteem as a woman and it is this kind of low self esteem that keeps us in these situations where others just bring us down and don't let us flourish and blossom. The real key to this is raising your self esteem and I'd personally say just get the hell out of the situation. By this amount of time the home should be both of yours, not just his, whether he paid for it or not. And right now I think you are looking to the dog for far more than a child substitute; I think the dog is pretty much your way of trying to believe that someone loves you back and cares for you because your partner is just so pathetic but you won't admit it.I say take the dog and run for your life and your freedom to grow. And eat whatever damned yoghurt you feel like, all day every day if necessary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): You say you are in your partners first house, you said "his house" but this is a home you share? If you're married, this should be both your home and regardless of his parents helping you have a say on who visits and how frequently. But your partner is the one who needs to tell his parents to back off. No one is here forever, surely your partner would rather the time spent with his parents was time that contributes to happy memories? Instead he is allowing them to hurt you.I agree with the advice to laugh at them, laugh at whatever pathetic comment they make and take the power back. They are trying to exert their power on you, by making you feel undermined and small - which is working. Do not let it continue, your partner has no backbone to do the right thing, so whilst they are in YOUR home you can reply as you see fit. Laughing, and then responding with something like "ok I'll bear that in mind" and then walking off will stop them in their tracks. They're used to the submission, you don't have to be rude in any way to show them you're not having it any more so try to treat it with a pinch of humour. If they dare say anything to your partner, and he asks you not to do it anymore I would seriously consider whether this partner is worth being around. Once you marry someone, you are there for them.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 April 2015):
 OH how difficult for you.
I recently have learned that i have NO control over other people only myself.
and one of the best tools for this is what I do when my husband says something stupid or wrong.
He says "you should not be eating that yohgurt"
and I smile at him and say "you may be right, let me think about it and I'll get back to you on that" and then I walk away.
He HEARS You ARE RIGHT even though I did not say that. and I avoid arguing with an idiot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): You are not going mad or making a big deal of it. I have been in your shoes exactly. The problem is not you it is your partner. They are picking fault with you and the things they are saying could so easily be nipped in the bud with some firm but polite response by your partner. For example if someone comments on what you are eating negatively...that could be closed down with "She can eat exactly what she likes as I love her just as she is. It's not really your concern". My guess is your partner has never stood up to his parents and their controlling attitude such as dropping by whenever has been a long term theme. You are feeling the brunt of that. He is weak and they know it so get away with subtle emotional abuse. It is an issue that a partner who is supposed to care for you isn't prepared to carry that through by protecting you and standing up for you. In my experience you should laugh at them. Yes right at them and quite loudly as if they've told a joke..It will completely throw them off kilter and dissolve their comment. If you retaliate directly they know they are getting to you. I lost all respect for my husband as he never took my side and turned a blind eye or deaf ear. We are divorced and I can now re build my confidence after years of undermining. Be careful how much you tolerate and for how long.
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