A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm having severe problems with my parents and I don't know what to think. My dad is a functioning alcoholic who is never happy. I'm 25 married with 2 kids we live in the upstairs they live below us. We tried to move out several years ago but they did everything they could to stop that from happening. We are trying again but now it's also delayed because my husband is out of work due to the pandemic. Well anyways a couple weeks ago my mom let my oldest play with her phone she brought it to me i saw mean texts about me. That they just want the grandkids to live here for ever but wish me and my husband could go. I confronted they said they didn't mean it. Since then I have gotten 2 butt dialed voicemails, saying I treat them like sh!t every day ( I never start any fights and try to just do small talk) they said I'm a f$%ck up. They said I'll never have any thing in life because I didn't marry a rich man and my kids will suffer. All this really hurt me.They don't know i know and continue to act nice to my face. Which side do I believe?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2020): OP, I read your post and I read your updates too. First I am truly sorry for the way your Mom has written about you! That must be so hurtful! I want to encourage you though! Everything in this life is so very temporary, including this pandemic. As you grow older, you will gain understanding of the reality of this fact. That said, soon your husband will find a good job, as the American economy rebounds, and you will get a place of your own...you, your husband, and kids! Pray for your parents, because they both are ill! Your Mom feels like the F up. She is married to a drunk, functioning or not! She tore up your plane tickets, threatened suicide and said if the kids left, that she d have no reason to live. You can t get much more mentally ill, than that! Then she wrote horrible things about you, and she harbours racist views toward your husband. Also, your Dad my have racist views, as he assaulted your husband. You might ask your parents: At death, when body dies, and soul returns to GOD, what color is it??
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2020): Thank you so much everyone it was very helpful
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2020): Gosh OP, your post reminds me so much of my family! The main difference is that my mom would vebalize hateful things about me, but not to my face, but to neighbors, friends, and my siblings. I was not a great high school student and when I graduated I worked as first a waitress, then later as a cocktail waitress in a four star hotel. My uniform was too trashy for my mom because I had to wear a black skirt 3/4 of the way up my thigh, a white shrug blouse with a bare midrift, black bow tie, and sheer black pantyhose with 3in black pumps. I made massive tips and attended community college, paying my own way. My mom told my younger sister what a slut I was dressing that way and wearing no panties at my job, under my pantyhose. She told our next door neighbor that I was working as a whore, in that hotel, because she saw runners in my pantyhose several days when I came home from work! That stuff hurts, and at that point, I had only ever had three men, go all the way, but never anyone at work. I know you hurt bad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): Thank you so much Wiseowle your answer really helped and I will deffinently take your advice. There is a lot from the past that added up to all this. My mom had me at the age of 42 it was a miracle they had me. While growing up they thought I would never get married or have kids or move away. They were extremely mad when I got pregnant at 18 I tried then to move out with my baby. My mom said if I moved out she would kill herself so we stayed. I tried to move out again 3 years later they tore up our airplane tickets couldn't afford more. I'm white my husband is Mexican he was born there and brought here as a baby so that's why they say that. My parents know we want to leave but can't afford to do so but my mom was saying if we move out she wouldn't have a reason to live anymore. Obviously I still love my parents even though they've hurt me. I've even had to call the cops on my dad for strangling and punching my child's father while he was holding our daughter as a baby. His reason was because my daughter got hurt she was learning how to walk at the time and he blamed him for that. Anyways thank for your response
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): Move when the option becomes available to you and your husband. Meanwhile, hold and keep the peace. They still have the option to kick you out!
They can't appreciate you, and often people don't or won't; until they are forced to face the truth. Your truth being, they are two-faced. They say things behind your back; because they don't want confrontation, or to be corrected. They don't want to hurt your feelings, believe it or not! Much of it is just gossiping; because you and your husband live too close, so they're all up in your business.
Someday, when you feel emboldened and have the courage; face your mother. Tell her straight to her face you married the man you love, and in spite of her negative-opinions of the two of you, you are not anything they've said about you. Is your father or mother rich? If anything, she is a terrible mother to say such horrid things about her own child. How can she otherwise even look you both in the face?
Harbor no ill-will against your own parents. They have some nasty elements about them; yet they allow you to live in their home, and close to them. They may have some resentments about your rebellious-past, you may have been a hand full to raise from childhood; so don't pretend that this sort of criticism is coming completely out of left-field. I can't speak for others; but I'm neither gullible, nor naive.
I get the impression that they've warned you about your husband, and have some reservations about your life-choices. You on the other-hand, are attempting to characterize them in a totally negative-light, demonizing the people providing a roof over your family's head. This comes from the hurt, to read such disheartening words. I agree that what they're saying is horrible, mean, and an unnatural way for parents to view their own children. They don't get to tell their side, but the devil is always in the details. There is a backstory to all of this.
Moving will distance you from them, giving you and your family the privacy you deserve. Then seeing their grandchildren will become a matter of your choice, to be decided between you and your husband. They can only see them through you, and if they see you in such a nasty way; you don't need them around, to impart nasty impressions and ill-spirit on your children.
You have a right to protect yourself, and your family; from anyone who willfully and deliberately undermine your marriage, your privacy, and your well-being. I'm completely on your side in this. Had I seen such messages, it would break my hurt, and completely hurt my feelings! Knowing my parents have it in their hearts to say such things!
I also have to give them benefit of the doubt; not having any say, or the chance to defend themselves. If you are living there, you chose to be; or you could have chosen someplace else. It was not until you read their messages (that were not privy to you); that you discovered what they've never said to your face. Bear that in-mind...always! Not every word coming out of your thoughts or mouth are golden about them either. Look what you've written to us, total strangers. We're judging your family, based on hearsay and a one-sided story. How would they feel if they read it?
People will say hurtful and spiteful things out of emotion and frustration. It depends on context, their frame of mind, motive, and what they've been through with you or me.
Those words were never meant for you to see; but sometimes God reveals the truth to us, so we can make the best decisions for ourselves. Also, His divine-intervention comes when it is time to distance ourselves from those who don't mean us any good. Don't misunderstand! God is never instrumental in dividing or separating families; instead, He brings us together. You and your family have some issues that need to be addressed; but put them on-hold, until you have the financial-means to move-out. Then, you can face them with your truth; and place them on notice! With God's help, you may resolve all the problems from the past; and renew your relationship for the future. The cat's out of the bag, they've got some awful opinions; so at some point, address them. Now is not the best time.
God be with you and your family. May God guide you all to find your peace; and may He keep all of you safe through this pandemic. Don't you worry, God-willing, your husband will find work; and your family will regain your financial-stability. All families hit hart-times and roadblocks. The devil is a liar! You stick together, and you persevere until you're on the other side. Pray on it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): Honeypie....I do not think the lw is a f up .The grandfather is a drunk.They are drunks.This is the way drunks are.They are not nice.lw move out even if you all have to squeeze into a studio apt.Distance yourself before they damage your children's mind.You are the parent act like it...Distance your family from a drunks abuse.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 June 2020):
 You know what they think about you and your husband and what they say. They apparently aren't confrontational people so they won't admit to it to your face.
So what then?
Well, you and your husband keep working on moving out and taking care of your OWN little family. They really can't stop you from moving out.
They love your kids, but find it harder to deal with you as an adult, which is not really that strange. You are after all 25 and married with kids but kind of still living at home. They might have had loftier dreams for you than what you chose, such is life.
And you really shouldn't go around reading other people's messages. Those are private. I'm sure if they went through YOUR phone, they would find nasty message about them too.
Is it hurtful to be called a f$%ck up? Because to a degree it's true? Or because it's untrue?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): You must move out now and distance your children from them.They are alienating your children against you.You say that can never happen...it happened to me. My mil hated my guts but still I was raised old school and was stupid and thought grandparents are important.My son is thirty now grandma is dead but she is still in his head.My daughter's seen right through her as children so I thank God for that but she really messed up my son.She also messed up his cousin. I say if they talk that bad about you time to get your kids far away and cut off all contact .Do not let them mess up your kids like my son is.Move very far away and do not let them know where.That may sound mean and harsh but do you want them in your kids head for the rest of your life affecting your relationship with your kids? Trust me I was you once thinking a grandma's love would not include her hatred of me.Never even let them visit. Your job as parent is to protect them...protecting them means not sending them to a drunken haters house. Get out get away never look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): Hi.
I’m sorry your going through this and your parents do not seem supportive and caring. It is hard for some parents to let go and realise they have no control over their adult children’s path in life, I think in your case this is compounded by the fact you practically live together.
I think you should talk to them or maybe the one you get on with better and explain what you have heard and how it makes you feel. It may help. Ultimately no one can prevent you from moving out, and I’m sure you relationship with them may improve if this happens. You could contact your local authority housing officers to see if there is any help you could get there and your husband could look at short term jobs until he is back on his feet, are there supermarket or warehouse jobs advertised near you ? I think we’ve all been guilty of bitching about family members at one time or another, your parents have just been caught out ! They may think twice about being so mean if they know you’ve heard them xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2020): I don’t know why your parents would text something mean about wanting you to leave without meaning it at least somewhat. So I would believe what they texted as true to that extent. The voicemails could just be that they are venting. They may just be non-confrontational which is why what happens behind your back is different from what they show to your face.
I think they should do better and be honest to your face, and while it’s understandable they want to vent, they shouldn’t be talking so much crap behind your backs when you don’t even know that there is a problem.
I know it’s difficult because of the pandemic and because your husband is out of work, but is it possible you are burdening your parents? Maybe before your husband lost his job, and when your parents didn’t want you to leave, you were contributing more? But now perhaps you are relying on your parents more? Based on their behind-your-back talk, it seems like that’s the problem, that it’s becoming burdensome for your parents for whatever reason.
Maybe you can try to be direct and ask about it and help them out anyway you can. In the meantime try to find ways to be able to move your family out. It’s sounds very stressful, so I hope you can either find a way to move out, or address the issue directly with your parents to smooth things over until you can move out.
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