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female
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anonymous
writes: Hope you can help, its a bit long! I have been trying to separate from my husband for a year and he has finally moved out. We were married for 14 years but I haven't loved him for a long time and the marriage is over. He knew this last year. About 5 months ago,his best and only mate, whom I've known for 20+ years told me that he had always loved me and now that I was free wanted to start dating me. I have always really liked him and knew that he liked me but because we were both married never did anything about it. I said that as he was married that nothing was gonna happen and he had to sort himself out. He has always had a rocky marriage, with one affair 7 years ago but went back to his wife for the sake of his child, who is now 17. His wife threatened suicide on both of them if he didn't go back. We live about 4 hrs apart from each other. Well, he left his wife about 1 month ago and told her why. He was gonna start coming down at weekends regular, which is happening this weekend but I have seen him a few times already, when he was able to get away from work. I have 3 young children, who absolutely adore him as they have really grown up with him around. We used to live close to him but moved away about 4 years ago. Obviously my ex is not happy with this and feels that his ex-friend is using me.My problem is this: He seems to spend most evenings and weekends with his wife at the family home. He says he is going to see her because he feels guilty and for his daughter, but I really don't know. I am sure that it isn't because he wants to get back with her but can't understand why he wants to spend so much time with her. His daughter is always out and never there anyway. He says also that he's moving stuff out, but surely it doesn't take that long. Is he playing me,or is he serious about me. I really like him and would like to take things further, but is he messing me around. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, which he will be when he comes down. But I don't want him to spend half the week with me and half with her. He says he wont and is sorry for hurting me, but again this weekend, I can't get hold of him on the phone and know exactly where he is. He is always saying he is sorry for going around there and I can't get a straight answer from him about why is going there, except that he feels guilty. He is due to come down this week for 7 days over Easter, but I am having serious doubts. I do believe that he loves me, but is it enough. He was married for 20 years. I just don't understand why he needs to go around there. Am I being over sensitive and selfish or should I have real concerns about his intentions.
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female
reader, bridget +, writes (9 April 2006):
 Hey there pet..
I dont really think that he is doing anyone any harm by
visiting his ex wife on a regular basis, It maybe to sort
things out with his kids... 17 Year olds nowadays are
pretty wild!! If there arre kids envolved in a broken down
marriage they usually tend to become more sensitive and
it is an excuae for them to become upset therefore they tend to become more wild at every opportunity..
Im not using that as an excuse but it is a problem in
most failed marriages...
I do believe, however, that your ex husband is just
jealous of his friend and you and he just wants to make you both feel bad for your actions... Which, you shouldnt as you both cant help how you feel.. Your ex is probably just mad and upset at his friend (man thing)..
If he is generally sorry about your feelings of him going
over there so often then I am afraid that you have no reason to assume anything different.. I know it is hard but you are in all your rights to ask again and this time though, explain your feelings and any doubts which you have..
It is very uncommon that he is doing anything with her if they have a failed marriage and he had an affair, but they did have kids and they take up alot of time in the failed marriages...Something that both parents still have to talk about from time to time...
But I would advise you to talk to him again and arrise any doubts and fears you may have..
Good Luck
Jacqueline
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