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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: We've dated on an off for four years. Last February, I lied to him, told him the truth a week later. We broke up. I felt like a fool. He was furious. Told me he had lost all respect for me and for the first time in our relationship that he truly loved me and he didn't understand how I could have done this to him. He hung up the phone and we didn't speak to one another for eight months. We began hanging out together and ended up "getting together" and continued doing so for about a month until he told me was in love with this girl he dated three years ago and that he had "never felt this way about a girl". I told him that I was happy for him but I also told him how hard the last eight months had been for me. He said that I didn't understand what the last eight months had been for him, that he had to walk through hell to get over me. He told me that his feelings were not the same and he almost started to cry.We continued to hang out (strictly platonic even though there was a lot of sexual chemistry) and we would continue to fight. He was always the one to escalate the discussion into an argument, getting defensive and upset, shutting down and eventually hanging up. I got frustrated and told him that I wasn't willing to have the door shut in my face every time I tried to reach out; I told him that I was sorry for everything that I had done. All he said was, "bye." That was almost a month ago and we haven't spoken since. I want nothing more than to be his friend. We're graduating this year and I don't want to lose someone so important in my growth. How can I make this situation better?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): I think what ever your lie was blew it for him. He wants to love you, but he can't because of what you did.
Like a bar of gold in a fire. You want to reach in and grab it but you know you can't.
Sometimes love is letting go, thats what you have to do.
Good luck
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 I'm afraid that there is a lot in your letter that doesn't ring true, especially the part where you say that you just want to be friends with him, otherwise you wouldn't have stated that "there is a lot of sexual chemistry". I can only assume that you cheated (?), and that is what the lie is about, and he did say that he had to walk through fire in order to get over you. I am assuming that he has another girl in his life for a reason, and even though he broke up with you, his feelings are still damaged, but that he has gotten over you. When he realized that you didn't want a friendship, and it became obvious that you wanted to get back together, he said "Bye." - So he has put his feelings out there once again and made his feelings quite clear. Your final statement is still "I want nothing more than to be friends"... and the whole letter says otherwise!
I think that you are kidding yourself on a lot of different levels. You weren't friends in the first place, you were lovers. Its impossible to remain friends afterwards, especially when you want him back. If I were you, I would let him go, once and for all. The love, trust and faith that he once had is gone, and sometimes, there is no turning back the hands of time. You should just chalk it up to a love affair that went wrong, and learn from whatever mistakes were made. There is a new love out there waiting, and you have mourned this loss for long enough. All you are doing now is hanging on to lost hope. You are young and this is just punishing yourself more by wasting time on this boy. He has moved on. It's time for you to move on too.
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