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female
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anonymous
writes: A question for 'Irish' ... I really respect your advice and answers to a lot of questions and would appreciate your opinion on this issue if possible?I am in counselling at the moment after a year long relationship with a female teacher from school.I have realised after a couple of months with my therapist that being with a woman 15 years older than me when i was only 16 years old was an unhealthy relationship as i just had no life experience at that point in time.The problem is... I have requested a year's no-contact but she keeps breaking it and telling me she misses me. I always cared about her feelings and feel guilty because she lost her job because of me. It makes me sad knowing she is unhappy. There are constant reminders of her everywhere and sometimes when I feel lonely I am tempted to contact her. This is just so hard and I feel torn bewteen moving on with my life(I am now 18 years old and going to university in September..) or going back to her because I still miss the good times between us.Have you got any advice on how I should go about trying to forget her or just any reasons to remind me why the relationship was unhealthy.... I just feel so confused and uncertain and need some reassurance.Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2006): Excellent answer from Zabadack and Irish. Both make good points. This former teacher is continuing to manipulate you, through sexual coercion. Stop her dead in her tracks before it begins. Remember, all sexual relationships, like other relationships-require careful thought and wise action. Sex is powerful, and she knows it's ruling your heart. The big difference now, is you are wiser and stronger. You know this, now. This former teacher did not allow her ethics and her sound judgement kick in. It is important to note that you are not at fault. Assault is generally more about the adult's own emotional problems, immaturity and/or power over others rather than sex, and it's only about 'her' sexual desire and attraction using power. This is just about her and having her selfish needs fulfilled-not you. This was not love...it truely was abuse. Keep strong and resist.
A
male
reader, Zabadack +, writes (7 January 2006):
do you know how old people are when they wake up and say.. "oh look, i'm an adult"... no? neither do I.
because nobody wakes up one morning and feels grown up, your teacher was in a position of trust granted, but she's still human. she's not thinking of you because even though she's got the years she hasn't really matured. In this situation you need to take control, tell her it's over, you don't want to see her again, you're moving on and that you want to see other people.
The "seeing other people" line is very important. at the moment she considers you to be someone in a weak position that needs her sexually, if you show yourself to be a young man that can "find it elsewhere" you are no longer the manipulated teenager that she could control, you're now the strong young man (that got what he wanted and left).
she was interested in you as a childish emotional wreck... prove you're not
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): Dear, I am sorry you seem confused about all this. There's just too much shame and guilt here and you don't need the further burden. This teacher was wrong to have this relationship with you and I'll tell you why. Teachers, and others in position of authority, are commonly well-known, well-respected, trusted individuals in the community. This former teacher was an adult in a position of trust and authority when you she began an intimate relationship with you. There were boundary issues about crossing the edges of appropriate behavior and she paid no heed to them. There are notable emotional and maturity differences between a 16-year-old and a 31-year-old? If the young student is infatuated with his teacher (which happens), wasn't it the responsibility of this 31-year-old teacher to help guide the young person's emerging energies into more appropriate channels? Aren't teachers supposed to do that? Guide, help, develop and re-channel the youth, they are educating. If we even casually suggest that a youth is responsible for adult-youth sex because of some "initiated" inappropriate behavior, are we not alleviating adults of the responsibility to be the guardians who guide children toward healthy development? Most teacher's do understand the impact of being "formidable, responsible role-models' but your former teacher did not fathom this. For that reason, dear- I seriously question her moral fiber and her good character. She made the choice to go ahead, anyways and she paid the price...her job. Losing her job is not your fault, at all so do not feel sad or guilt over that. It wasn't your fault-she knew the consequences. You were just 16, you were considered 'sexually abused', the responsibility for that abuse is totally upon her shoulders, because she was the mature adult, in a position of trust.
You are feeling the normal feelings that happen when you open your heart to someone and become emotionally close. People do this because they want intimacy. You do sound lonely and I am sorry but life will get better, if you stay positive and on track and allow these feelings for this woman, to pass over. Give it time and be strong. I think you want a deep and rewarding relationship and you can have that. You can have a relationship with whomever you choose. A relationship with this former teacher should not be pursued however. Having her become a part of your life once again, means having to repeat and relive all the heartbreaking details of what happened..but it means also carrying the burden of feeling responsible, because this adult was just a little irresponsible? You don't need that baggage-give that back to her because she should've know better.
Go to university, hun and begin a new chapter of your life. Experience a guilt-free, shameless love with a wonderful girl, you'd be proud to take home to meet your family, who shares in your dreams and goals..someone you can build a good future with... someone you can start anew with. Put the past where it belongs-in the past..bury it. Live, love and enjoy life and take joy in your youth. I wish you the best, dear and make the best choices for your own happiness. Take care and good luck
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