A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. Hoping and praying for some words of wisdom...I just found out that my ex, who I was with for 4 years, is getting married. He's marrying the girl he started seeing 2 weeks after we broke up (I suspect there was some crossover, but he never admitted it)It's been common knowledge for a few months, but none of my friends wanted to tell me. A couple of them are going to the wedding.I am with a new guy now and am very happy with him, but the other guy was my first love, and it hurts to know he is marrying her and that my friends are going to their wedding...Would really appreciate some words of wisdom right now xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Oh, my dear. This can be a very confusing situation to be in. You think you've moved on, you think your life is more or less sorted out, then your reaction to news like this throws you sideways and you wonder what the hell is going on emotionally!First of all, your reaction does not mean you still have serious feelings for your ex. Though few of us would admit it, we girls are always comparing our situations one to another. I can't tell you how many times I've been in a room with a friend who has announced she's getting married, and my very genuine feelings of joy for her have been mixed with just a little twinge of sadness or envy that I'm not in that situation myself. It's normal for us to compare, and unfortunately, more often than not, when we perform that comparison we reflect very negatively about ourselves. 'What does she have that I don't?', 'What is wrong with me that I'm not in her shoes?', 'Where did I go wrong?' We find all kinds of ways to beat ourselves up personally, for faults in relationships that are more about the dynamics between two people rather than one person's failings!First of all, recognize that what you're feeling is normal. Second of all, recognize that it's just a little bit of an idealization of the situation. It's reality check time! Remind yourself of all the reasons you're not still together - all the times you fought, all the occasions on which he said or did the wrong thing, all the times your priorities were different and that caused a problem. It didn't work out between you guys for a reason - and, as you say, you're really much happier with your current partner! Finally, first love is seldom the best love any of us experience. In fact, love's not that dissimilar to riding a bike! Remember the first time you tried to do that? And you wobbled around like crazy and then fell over and hurt yourself? Yep, that's what first love is like too - a crazy, slightly out-of-control ride that more often than not ends with a bit of a crash. It's only after a bit of emotional practice that we start to realize what we really need in a life partner, and what we ourselves have to offer. So rather than feeling hurt or a failure, chalk this guy up to the richness of experience that will ensure that you have a long, happy, fulfilling marriage with someone else in future.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (14 February 2011):
it's understandable to feel all those old feelings of hurt again, just let them be, don't fight them, but try not to dwell on them. if he was marrying anyone else (not the girl he started seeing so soon after your breakup), would you still feel the same or is it only because you have feelings of betrayal since you suspect he was seeing her before you broke up? Try to tell yourself that whether he's getting married or not, or to whom, has no bearing on your own path in life and your happiness. Besides you don't know what the future holds for him and his new girlfriend. remind yourself that if you hadn't broken up with him, you wouldn't be with the wonderful guy you're with now.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 You may be feeling sad because the break up was hard for you, and that it seemed like he chose her over you. Realize you are who you are, his decisions in life say nothing about how good you are as a mate. You may want to think that after a person breaks up he would mourn and won't be ready to date for a while, and if he dates than that girl is surely a rebound. Whatever is in his head doesn't matter now. He could have a perfect marriage with her, he might contact you again, they might divorce, whatever happens shouldn't affect your future happiness with your new guy. He is a thing of the past, there is no reason to dig up old wounds. To get over your sadness just enjoy your time as much as possible with your new guy. Sometimes life can throw lemons at you and it's up to you to find that inner strength to tell yourself that you are lovable no matter what.
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