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My ex and I want to try reconciliation, but he is not sure, should I move on or what?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 October 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 12 October 2008)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I would like to reconcile with my ex husband. I filed for the divorce and now after 15 months, I want him back. I know he starting seeing another woman about 3 months ago...he says they are very good friends, but they are not yet intimate.

I am trying to give him time to make a decision...but, should I move on, or wait until he makes his decision. He waited a year before becoming involved with someone else. We were married for over 20 years...I got tired of being a door mat, and he seems to have changed for the better.

He says that he wants to consider reconciliation, but he does not want to hurt this new woman's feelings, and he does not want to disappoint me. He is confused. What should I do? Give him the time to decide, or just move on?

View related questions: divorce, move on, my ex

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A female reader, starfairy United Kingdom +, writes (12 October 2008):

starfairy agony auntIn my experience, a guy who doesn't jump at the chance to be with you, will end up disapointing you.

He doesn't want to hurt his new woman? Doesn't know if he wants to be with you definately?

Move on...There's someone out there who will treat you right, tick all your boxes and make you feel amazing. xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I wanted to reconcile 6 months after the divorce, but we had a big fight. I was certain that I had burned that bridge and could not return. However, we kept being friends and talking on the phone. We even attended a couple of events together.

I thought he was seeing someone but he would not confirm that. We continued to talk about what we should have done to make the marriage work. So, I took a leap of faith and asked about reconciliation. He said 'yes' let's discuss, but he is still seeing her and speaking with her on the phone.

I'll wait it out...not sure how long I will wait; but I will not become invisible and I will hope that he will be a real man and tell me his decision. I'd not like for him to string me along.

Thanks for all the good advice!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Friend Tom - thank you for your reply. I filed because I felt he was verbally abusive and very mean. I did not seriously consider counseling again...I first went alone, he went later. I was just tried of his booming voice. I should have stayed and worked it out...but I ran.

I have already approached him about a reconciliation. He says he is open to it, but he is still seeing that other woman. He says that he does not want to date the both of us, and he knows he has to make a decision.

I approached him about one month ago. Since then he has been very supportive and accompanied me for some serious testing at the hospital. He ignores her calls when he is with me, and I think he ignores my calls when he's with her.

I don't want to pressure him, but give him time. I am willing to wait it out...I just don't know if he's playing games or wanting his cake and eating it, too.

Thanks for any insight.

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A female reader, babomi China +, writes (12 October 2008):

babomi agony auntgood advice above

and also, don t wait too long before you make your move

don t give him time to get attached or serious with this another woman, or he ll be torn between two sides, which will make it more difficult for all of you

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008):

Anonymous. I don't have much to go on here..why you were divorced to begin with. You said that you filed for the divorce. Was it infidelity on his part or other reasons? Well, if you now want him back, it must not have been about something you cannot deal with,..meaning you can deal with it now. So, he is now seeing someone else... Well that is pretty normal, wouldn't you say? He is a healthy man, I presume... You have no claim on him now, anyway. If you want to resume your relationship, which I am all for...because you both have so much of your lives invested together, I think you should make it very certain to him how you feel. He may feel the same way, but, since you instigated the divorce, he will probably not ever say anything to you. You have to be the one to make the first move. This is hard for most women, I know. But if you really care for this man, you will have to "go for it". You may feel embarrassed and uncomfortable,...but that is how all men feel all the time when they are the ones who have to make the first move, (smile). So, get your fanciest dress on, get a good "do", get a good face on and go and tell him you want him back. That's it, hon. I can't tell you any more. He either will or he won't. If you are really sincere and tell him you think you can work any previous problems out, I think he probably will be more than willing to listen. He has as many years invested in the relationship as you. That is important to men, let me tell you. Best wishes. Tom

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008):

Hi there.

I wonder if seeing him with another women may have influenced your feelings of wanting to make it work again? I am asking this, as i went through this same circumstance a short while ago. I broke it off, 9 months later after finding out about him and another women, i desperatly wanted to give things another go, as it seemed he had changed. He ended it with the new women, and now we are back together. I still can't decide whether getting back together was the right thing to do though.

You really do need to think about how you would be feeling if he was still single? Would that same great desire to make it work again still be there?? :) All the best!

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