A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I’m a single mother of an 18 year old. I’ve been raising her and my younger son (her biological brother) for the past 12 years. My daughter will be starting College next year. She was accepted into several Universities, one of which is her dream school, but not an ivy league. She was super excited to have been accepted into her dream school and was sure that is the school she will be attending... until several of her friends got into ivy leagues... and also she was broken heart when her high school teachers only seemed proud of the friends who were accepted into the ivy league schools. That was when everything changed. She now suddenly wants to go to the ivy league school that she was waitlisted to. I support her and want her to be happy wherever she goes. But I feel it’s important for me to remind her to take her own path and follow her dreams. Life or School is not a competition, and it would be wrong to see it that way. I know that she will do well in both schools.. but her heart needs to be in the right place. I’ve spoken with her and asked her to be true to herself and choose the school she wants, not where others got accepted to. She got upset and seems to have a grudge against me now. It worries me because she is telling everyone that I am the one that’s pushing her to go to the Ivy League School, that’s why she is going for it. I never said I wanted her to go to the Ivy League, I only want her to go where she is happy and that was her dream school. I’m also worried that she has put so much hope into getting off the waitlist at the Ivy League, what will happen if she doesn’t get accepted? How should I address this with her or how do I teach her? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2021): Just who is the mom here????She will not go where she should just so she can drink and party with frends??You know that is why.Lay down the law here.She wants money help from you..right?Do not pay for somewhere else.easy peesy.If she wants to mess up her education she can take out loans...Get a job and support herself.Be a mom...It is hard but you know the difference in schools can change her life.School is not a party to hang out with your friends.Shut this down now.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 May 2021):
 Good luck!
I hope the visit to the Dream Campus will show her that SHE has options.
Glad you had the talk with her. But also TRUST her to use the brain she obviously has :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2021): OP here.. and we have SIR to both schools and paid the deposit. Once she has her final decision, we will reject one of the schools.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2021): Hello, I'm the OP. Thank you all for your insight and advice.Her dream school is actually a top public UC, nothing less than an Ivy League. I remind her of how she came into my room sobbing when she received the acceptance email to her dream school. I reminded her of how happy she was to have been accepted. I also reminded her of her reaction when she found out she was accepted to the Ivy League and other Universities. She didn't care, because all that mattered was she was accepted to her Dream School. An now within a few weeks, everything changed... why?She always knew what she wanted, the school she wanted to attend, her major, the company she will work at, where she was going to raise her family, which school she was going to put her kids in, etc... She never cared about brand name or what others were doing.. but suddenly it all changed.I have enough for her to attend Ivy League full pay, but of course we'd save a lot if she attends her Dream School. I have always told her that I will pay for tuition and boarding, but she will need to use her savings or work part time to pay for food and expenses. We will be taking a short trip to visit both schools this upcoming weekend, hope she will think about it and make a decision that best fits her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2021): It's lovely to place a fancy diploma up on the wall to showoff; but it doesn't make you any more intelligent, any better prepared, or any more employable than someone who attended a well-accredited college or university.
Our culture is caught-up in brand-names and labels; and your daughter is in the age-group of pop-culture and social media. Naturally she's concerned that her friends might look down on her as attending just an ordinary school; it's a myth that you're guaranteed a great job and a huge salary, just because you attended an ivy league school.
It used to be about getting a top-notch education; now it's more about prestige and bragging-rights...snobbery! The typical conversation at a boujee cocktail party or social event: "My son/daughter attends Yale, and my nephew went to Harvard!" Blah Blah Blah! Boasting and showing-off is being engrained into kids these days; because of social media and social media influencers, who do nothing but boast and brag. Pretentious arrogant little snobs, who put on an act of having wealth and success; but have pitiful personal-lives, or their backstory is like something out of horror movie. They suffer anxiety disorders and depression; trying to keep-up with others to prove how great they are; and better than everybody else!
You can only keep her grounded, but you can't control her thoughts and feelings.
Refresh her memory of your family-values; but don't go overboard to the point you're perceived as discouraging her. You can't control what she tells others! She's a teenager! Don't forget, you've been there and you've done that!
Keep reminding her too, that all the schools she was accepted to will provide her with a quality education; and that's what she's striving for. Not just to impress her friends! There are financial-matters to consider as well. If she's not full-scholarship, or on athletic scholarship; she may have to work to pay enormous tuition costs. Most student loans are predatory loans!!! I know that's one of your concerns, but you didn't mention it!
You've talked to her, but you can't allow yourself to become a broken-record; or saturate her with a lot of philosophical advice that you know will go in one ear, and out the other. Everybody else is gloating over their kids, and that's all she knows. You may have had a slip of the tongue, and it stuck in her mind. You might have inadvertently mentioned you hope she gets into a very good school. Put two and two together; all her friends got accepted at ivy league schools!
She's at the age she's more receptive to what her peers say. You'll have to trust in the core values and morals you've instilled in her since she was a little girl. It's all pushed to the back of her mind; but trust yourself as a mother. She hears you, but allow her to dream. She'll deal with reality when it presents itself. She still wants it for the right reasons, allow her to aim high; and yes, it is because all her friends are going to ivy league schools. They're making a big deal of it, as have their parents, and guidance counselors.
It's only natural that she wants you to be proud, and for everyone to know she is as much of an academic-achiever as the rest of them. The name of the school doesn't really prove anything; because so many are accepted due to hefty alumni donations, and political favoritism. Not necessarily based on SAT scores and the student's prior academic success. We're in the 21st-century; and the old rules of honesty and fairness don't always apply. Cheating is rampant! It's kept hush hush; because it could soil the school's reputation.
I think she should continue to aspire to the school of her dreams; but be prepared for disappointment. You can be supportive, but you can't protect her from actuality and letdown. Life is not a competition, but IT IS competitive. Your fancy diploma and several degrees offer no guarantees; and many are well into their 30's and 40's, still paying off student loans! Never really achieving the six-figured salaries they had assumed they'd be earning. That's the life-reality you won't face; until you're out in the real-world trying to earn a living.
You're her mother, her rock, and her foundation. You'll be there when life teaches her the difference between what we strive for, or aspire to be; but sometimes it isn't meant for everyone to get what they hope and dream for. They may be destined for something else; and might end-up getting better than they've ever expected. I can personally attest to that!
If she works hard, sticks to the values she has been taught, and includes community-outreach as part of her college experience; while she attends whatever school she finally ends-up attending. She will find it's not just the school; but the quality of student and citizen that graduates from the school, and their ethics towards life.
The fact she is on a waiting-list is an indication she has the grades and SAT scores that will get her into almost any good college. She can always try again later. She's not considering that some of her boastful-friends may never make it to graduation; that's more important than just getting your foot in the door. You need to be able to handle the curriculum and hard work all the way through to graduation. Some will find, that might not be possible. That they may have bitten-off more than they can chew! Flunking-out will be more embarrassing than anything! Being humbled by failure after a lot of boastful ranting is the worst experience ever!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2021): I don't have kids, but I work with children and young adults preparing them for higher education.
Maybe Ivy league used to mean something once other than snobbery, but nowadays it's just something to brag about.
Some of the parents I know are ready to BUY their kids degrees, because as foreign students in UK or US, their kids are seen more as customers(who need to be able to PAY for the whole studies and not take the lace of someone who could and drop out for whatever reason).
The main thing is to study something you're passionate about and end up with a PROFESSION that is needed.
I would talk to her, by LISTENING to her. Even if you don't agree, even if she 's doing it for the wrong reasons you need to let her realize that and not impose.
Maybe you could recommend she read some of the articles (and there are so many of them!) about over educated and over indebted young adults who live worse than their parents. Some of them are depressed because they are too educated and earn peanuts.
Ivy league won't get you in the door. Family connections will, unless you are really good at what you do and extremely specialized (eye surgeon).
Unfortunately address remains the best indicator of the kind of a future a kid may have. So unless she's lucky to already be rich and well connected, she better think about her future in terms of what's best for her and not what sounds good.
The problem is that kids are fed a lot of BS and I know teachers mean well when they say to them "you can be whatever you want to be". I wish it were true. You can be whatever you're really good at and only if your profession is in demand. Kids sometimes believe in fairy-tales and later on get disappointed.
We all want freedom and security. Both concepts are illusions, but the closer we are to thinking we have achieved them, the happier we are. You are not free if you are in debt. You are not any closer to security if you're always looking for a job or always scared of losing one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 May 2021):
Honestly? These days an Ivy League degree is not worth more than any other degree, it just costs more.
Unless the field she wants to study is very narrow and there are only a few schools where she can get a degree there.
Any teacher being more supportive and "proud" of students who can afford the Ivy League is a snob. Sorry.
Have you visited her dream school campus yet? If not, suggest she takes a tour before she makes up her mind.
My middle one is doing her first 2 years at the community college and the next 2-4 at her dream college. That will leave her with a very small student loan and a GOOD education.
Also, ASK her what will she do if she doesn't make it to the top of the waitlist? Will she work a year and wait to try again NEXT semester or school year?
And yes, it sounds like she wants bragging rights and to "fit it" with the crowd. But she is also a young adult so she really has little experience in making choices based on the future. It might be a little scary to have to go to Dream college and know no one. So Ivy sounds better. Also what is your Dream college one day might not be the next (trust me I have seen that too lol)
Just talk to her. Make SURE she understand that YOU are so proud of her and if she wants to just go check out Dream college (to see her options) you would love to go with her.
JUST talk. But try NOT to TELL her what YOU think she should do. TRUST that YOU have taught her to THINK for herself.
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