A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 35-year-old gay man. I keep finding myself in situations where I meet guys off dating apps, and I receive all the signs they want to continue dating but something feels off, I realize they want to be friends. It's very confusing, one guy I went on a date with messaged me within 30 minutes of the date to tell me he had a great time with me, he then messaged me again the next day to say the same thing. I had assumed he wasn't interested but after what seemed like a very keen to meet again behaviour, we spoke 2 hours on each date walking around, after a week I asked him if he felt a spark and he said no but said he loved walking with me. Another guy bought me a book as a present on the second date and messaged often asking to send each other pictures of each other, as well as giving me a nickname by the third date. Am I attracted to narcissists, attention seekers or just confused souls, and if so how can I weed out these kinds of people who don't seem to consider me but feed on attention from me?It hurts greatly as they seem to decide they are having a great time with me and it makes me feel like they've put me in a friendship box, without informing me or checking that's ok with me, and they don't seem to consider whether I might be attracted to them or not. I'm trying to be a gentleman and not be too much in their face, but also often on the first or second date I'm still figuring out what I feel, so I don't put out very obvious signs I'm interested. Do I have to spell it out for them that I'm sexually or romantically attracted? What can I do to prevent this situation from happening and how can I stop being paranoid every time I like a guy that he doesn't just see me as a friend?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 May 2021):
 Save the sex until you KNOW you want to date the guy and HE wants to date you, that might ALSO weed out some of the guys who are just looking for sex and/or friends.
While I know gay men and lesbians have a "subculture" when it comes to dating, I think it's the same for ALL people (regardless of preference and orientation) that they CAN NOT know a person on one date, one day, or even a month or 4. It's something that will "trickle" out the more time you spend with them IN person. To find a GOOD and lasting match, it TAKES time and patience. If you try and rush that part of the process you end up with "shit-partners". I think MOST of us have been there, done that, and got the t-shirt that no one wants :)
Be patient, understand what you are looking for in a partner, WHAT you have to offer, and don't EVER settle for someone who won't take the time or make the effort.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2021): " I don't think I'm entitled, needy, or arrogant."
Our weaknesses and faults are more readily detected by others; than we might choose to see them in ourselves. Thus, we rarely get raises based on our own self-assessments of our job-performance. It takes somebody else, with an unbiased and subjective-opinion, to evaluate us. In order to efficiently identify, or find deficiencies and shortfalls; that require attention and correction. While we may not notice them at all! In some instances, we may choose to ignore them. It's what makes us human.
To be clear, I wasn't implying that you are any of those things; I was pointing out the possibility that pride and desperation can evoke these kinds of emotions in any and all of us. You may not necessarily recognize or feel cognizant of these traits when they surface; but they are, as I've said, in all of us!
When you're dating, you must use discernment; so you can recognize them either in yourself, or in those with whom you hope to make a romantic-connection.
Bear in-mind, people are cautious; knowing that what they see on the surface isn't necessarily what lurks beneath it. You may see yourself as a caring and responsible person. If you've been active in the dating scene for awhile; you've learned something about the behavior in people that has given you cause to submit a post. They've been through what you're going through; and hence, they are not going to rush into anything.
I say to the contrary, they are wise to continue dating; even when they don't necessarily want to commit to a relationship. Love doesn't occur on-schedule or on-demand. It is spontaneous, and otherwise evasive. Dating when you're not pressured by finding love in a state of urgency and desperation alleviates the impulsive behavior that makes us rush into relationships that we are regretful about down the road. I myself have been in that place where I've wondered why some people seem oblivious to what I know to be my best qualities, or why they don't seem to ascertain my truest and best intentions? Such is life and human nature, my friend!
You may have invested a lot. My point is, you can't rush other people still in the process of getting to know you; and what you stand for. Their feelings are just as much at risk as yours are. If and when you find yourself in a dating situation where you feel things are pointless, or just dragging along; you have every right to put an end to it, and move on. You just might find something about them you overlooked, or couldn't see on first-impression. People can put-on a façade of having all you've mentioned you're seeking in your profile. Only time will tell.
You can reveal all your feelings, or impose the ultimatum to poop or get-off the pot. Then you run the gambit of being premature, or being pushy. Resulting in scaring away someone who is wise enough to know their feelings, when they're ready to reveal them; and whether you're the right match. Patience pays-off, and haste makes waste; when it comes to love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is very helpful. I don't think I'm entitled, needy, or arrogant. The main issue is I think with gay guys, many are lonely and confused but don't realize it. This means they might unwittingly (particularly younger ones) use their sexuality to make friends, not realizing if they aren't attracted in that way, it will blow back in their faces if the other feels led on. With friends and relationships, I'm very invested and give it my all, this can lead to a vicious cycle where the other isn't like and I end up feeling exploited. I found what the above poster said about people not showing their true feelings till later very helpful, for me, it's about figuring out if I want to invest more time or not if I'm getting a weird feeling because they aren't interested or just I'm projecting too soon. Maybe I will test out revealing my cards, only when I think I know exactly what I want and suspect they don't, and I don't see myself spending more time energy on connection if they are perpetually confused/not interested, that's my way of reclaming my land.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2021): This topic comes-up a lot; so prepare for a long answer. Have a cup of tea, cup of coffee, or a glass of wine as you read this.
I'm sorry, but there is no way you can anticipate or foretell how a person is going to feel about you in only a few dates. There are a lot of factors that effect how a romantic-connection might turnout. Nature takes its course, and you go with the flow. People don't always show their true feelings, and sometimes it takes time to grow on someone. You're too cut and dry; and you just want to know what they think and feel straight off the bat. Good luck with that attitude!
My guess is that it's been one dud or disappointment after another. Dealing with menfolk, you know the inclination we males have for seeking "variety;" when you are single and free. You can pick and choose as you like. Females misunderstand this male-trait, assuming it means we can't control our sexual-appetites, or be monogamous; and just want to hump everything we see. It's just an inherent primitive biological-predisposition to test several potential mates before settling on one. Some go overboard with promiscuity; or lack maturity, when it comes to settling-down, and coupling with your final-choice/best-matched mate. Their "man-whorish" lives are often aimless, full of drama, and lonely; in spite of the frequency of sex. You get tired of always finding these types, they tend to be everywhere, or in the way. Don't lose heart or hope. Treasure or precious jewels are hard to find. It's a long and arduous search!
You might be the type of person who attaches too quickly; or you could be in an intense state of neediness, due to long-term loneliness. Try to avoid desperation and impatience. This can cause us to be unduly impatient with people who don't outwardly display their immediate-attraction; or those who tend to reserve their feelings, pending becoming more "familiar" with you. Meanwhile, adjusting to your vibe and disposition.
Watch your ego, and tone-down your arrogance. You may be quite a catch, or a pretty-boy. Hotties are a dime a dozen; and you have stiff competition, boyfriend! Although it can be a blow to our egos; if there is no immediate reaction or affirmation that they find us irresistible. It's wise to be skeptical, or cautious with people who infatuate or attach too easily. Some people are just fickle. Love you to death today, and will freeze you out like they never knew you the next! Some dudes are just downright awkward, and lack social-skills; and outside of interfacing online, in-person interaction freaks them out...or causes paralysis. They'll behave like they've been living in a cave, or just ventured-out from under a rock. No clue how to socialize on a human-level.
Don't set your expectations too high; and keep your yearning to find a boyfriend under control. The need for immediate-gratification and entitlement are among our worst human character-traits!
You don't really know people, just because you've been on a few dates with them. I don't care how much you've messaged each-other online before you met in-person. Getting acquainted shouldn't be rushed, or pushy. People tend to put-on phony airs, or try to impress you. Relax, and you will find they will lower their guard as well. Most aren't as sincere about finding someone, or to be serious, as they claim in their profiles. They increase interest in their profile posts; if they enhance the language with incentives, or dangle a carrot. Many just want hookups. Don't go for the bait so quickly! It's true, some really only want friends; but figure they can catch two birds with one stone. If he turns out to be a boyfriend, great! If not, you've made a friend! Nothing ventured...nothing gained! Loss is minimal.
Keep in-mind they are there to test and feel you out. If the vibe just isn't there; it is what it is! Your pride and feelings might get hurt; but that's the reality of the dating game. They might like you on the first date, and then it just fizzles. Meantime, they get several more hits on their profiles; and behave like greedy little children! They want a new toy, and lose interest in the ones they already have. In any case, it takes patience and perseverance; while weeding-out the losers and players, or the annoying fickle ones.
Remember that you are selecting dates on a dating app. You are among competitors. It's likened to being a kid in a candy shop. You are basically online-shopping for dates. They get to choose among a host of other dating prospects, and that same option is open to you.
Too many prospects, too many enticing profiles, a slew of sexually-provocative pics; and to be brutally honest, simply more physically-attractive people than you and me. That's just the sad thing about human nature; and quite stereotypical of gay-male culture. That we always have this feeling we should holdout; just incase something better, or hotter, comes along.
Many of the guys you meet are seeing more than one person at a time. They will probably base their selection on whomever makes the best impression visually, makes the most money; or superficially checks all the boxes for hot boyfriend-material. You yourself may be guilty of this same behavior, sooner or later. You've rejected a few; or you will, if you haven't thus far. How are they supposed to feel about it? Like you owe them something, just for meeting them?
It may seem somewhat pessimistic to suggest that you should lower your expectations a little. Not to be confused with lowering your standards, or compromising your values. You are meeting random men for the very first time; and you have only been on a few dates with them. There is no-way you can fairly (or accurately) judge and discern a personality through a few online-chats, their embellished profile, or on a few dates. You need to reserve your affections; and just allow yourself to get to know them before you start allowing your feelings to attach.
Prepare for quite a few disappointments; because in spite of your ego and pride, you may not be their type. Maybe they've unexpectedly met someone who meets more of their criteria. That has no bearing on your looks, your appeal, or your self-esteem. It's just one of those things!
If they dilly-dally too long, or just seem to be toying with your emotions. Kick them to the curb, and go back to the dating site and keep searching. You'll know if they're wasting your time; but you might be rushing things, because you want somebody to immediately want to be your boyfriend. I'd be leery of somebody in such a hurry, if I hardly know them!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 May 2021):
"Do I have to spell it out for them that I'm sexually or romantically attracted?"
On the FIRST date? No. I don't think so. You DO however have to show interest IF you are interested.
If you are not sure YOU want a second date (and they ask for one) decline. Don't go on more dates if YOU didn't feel a spark. You shouldn't RELY on them to inform you of a spark.
A person wanting to be your friend is a downer if you are hoping for romance. BUT it also means that you ARE someone they can see spending time with, even if not romantically. SO you ARE someone who comes off as pleasant to be around.
How can you stop being paranoid about it? Well, PRESUME they want to get to know you. If you FEEL friend-zones and YOU don't feel a spark, YOU choose to not go on a 2nd or 3rd date.
Generally, I don't think people can REALLY tell if another person is someone they can see themselves with long term. I think that takes MORE than ONE date. So if they were "friend-zoning" you after one date, take the hint and don't go for a second.
Also IF they were really looking to hook- up (not date) then perhaps they sense right off the bat that you are not a one-night-stand kinda guy.
Sorry, OP
If I were you I'd try and fine-tune my profile and keep trying.
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