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age
30-35,
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writes: When my mom was 13, she used to babysit this guy's kids that live in her apartment complex, and...she fell in love the guy. Unfortunatly he was married with two boys. He ended up moving away, my mom turned 17- got pregnant, by 18 she got married to my real father...and then it wasn't even a year later my mom ran into that man again (the guy she used to babysit his kids for), and they fell in love, he divorced his wife, left his family....and my mom and him got married by that time I was 1 years old. I consider him as my real dad.Anyway, he recently passed away. His two sons are coming to visit next weekend (the boys my mom used to babysit when she was 13), and I am so nervous.I have never met them before. I feel like they are going to hate me, b/c I was able to spend more time with him, than his actual, real children did. What if they dislike me, hate me, or are mean to me? I can't even imagine how hurt they are, and how hurt they were when their daddy had left them years ago...ya know? Their mother forbidden my dad to see them, thats why I never met them before, but the two sons don't know that....they just think their father abandoned them for this new family. I don't want to trash their mother and tell the real story...but i don't want them to look down on me. His sons are 24, and the other is 22What should i do? how should i act?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): OP I am glad this reunion went well. You have now gained 2 brothers.
Don't hate their mother or hold any bitterness against her. You have never walked in her shoes (and neither has your mother)
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo my "brothers" finally came, and it has been amazing! They are so loving, caring, and walked in with open arms. Looking at them, and hearing their laughs and voices reminds me of my (aka our dad). They sat down and told me stories about stuff they did with my dad before he left, and...I told them stories on what he was like before he died.
As for the female reader, anonymous...My mom did tell me the whole true story. My mother and I are very close, and has told me every dirty little detail. She has nothing to hide, maybe when my dad was around...but...now the truth does come out. Apparently my dad divorced his wife before he visit my mom on her 18th birthday. My father did not abandoned his sons, my father may not talked about them all the time...but I asked questions when I was younger, I was aware there was 2 other sons out there and that it was IMPOSSIBE to get intouch with them, b/c their mother changed their names and moved to some other country or something.
I didn't want to bring up the past to his brothers, but they ended up starting the conversation that they said they found ALOT of letters written from my dad, in the attic that their mother never gave them long ago. They found them..and they said once they turned 18, they were gonna leave and go find their dad. But my dad died when they were 17...so they never got the chance. :/
Anyway, thanks for all the advice!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): "... I don't want to trash their mother and tell the real story..."You also do not know the whole truth: only what your mother or this man told you.You have had the best time with this man: he DID abandon his boys for your mother. That is the honest truth. You were not there when they went to bed lonely and tired of crying for their dad. You were not there when their father did not pitch for soccer games or school functions. That man, called their father, did not give it his all to make himself part of his boys lives.Before you judge their mother, look at your own mother. She "took" this married man, made him divorce his wife, and by doing so made him abandon his sons. You do not know the pain this mans wife went through. You may know what your mother has told you but you have no idea what these boys and their mother had to endure.This man took care of you and had no time for his boys.There is always 3 sides to every story and maybe one day you and these young men can make peace and co exist. I think this burden should no fall on you but your mother has a lot of explaining to do. She helped destroy lives and that is the truth.Not bothering to still be part of your children's lives after a divorce is just plain cruel.I get really cross when I hear stories like this. You are not at fault but as a father this man failed his sons.LoveGirl
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female
reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13  +, writes (24 June 2011):
Oops. I met 'these boys that your mother babysitted'. Such a small mistake but a big change. Sorry.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Be as respectful and apologetic as you can.
Understand that they must be going through a lot of emotions, just as you are.
I would not tell them about their mother's decision to forbid your dad to see them. Their father is dead, but their mother is still alive. They don't have any bonds with your father anyway, so why possibly ruin the face of their mother for someone they were not able to share their life with?
Sorry for your loss. It is never easy. I lost my mother at 15. Life gets easier with time though.
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female
reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13 +, writes (24 June 2011):
Don't beat yourself up over it too much. These boys that your mother dated are now adults. At their age, they should be mentally mature and no better than to do something as childish as blame or hate you for their parents divorce. Your mother and their father couldn't help but fall in love. If they loved and cared about their father, they would have wanted him to be happy. It is a shame though that they had to meet while in that sort of situation. When they come to visit, simply show them kindness and respect. If they send off any negative vibes, tell them how sorry you are for what happened, but that's the past and they need to bury it. Let bygones be bygones. As for their mother, there's really nothing you can do. I can't imagine any women being thrilled about their husband leaving them for another woman unless their marriage was unhappy and unhealthy.
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