A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with someone who is great and loving to me. We have been together for a year and a half now. Long before meeting him, I met someone when at college. I was smitten with him (he was just a year older), and I had strong feelings. Soon, I learned I cared more and that he seemed to be more casual about things. We only kissed, he never pressured anything more; simply, I could tell he showed less interest than me. He once even said he didn't believe in love.I continued on for a few months and on New Years Eve I asked if he wanted to go to a party with me; he declined and I was so hurt. The next day he wrote to me twice and I never answered; I wanted him to do the chasing now. It was obvious he didn't care (or did he?), because he never contacted me again. From both sides, it was just no more talking/contact.Months went by and I wanted him to desperately to contact me. He didn't. About 6 months later, he was in a relationship with a girl 2 years younger than him. Ironically, I knew her casually, as she lived in my dorm hall. After I graduated (he was still in school, I had accelerated courses), I decided to contact him even though I knew he was in a relationship. I was being the utmost respectful however, as I did not want to be "that girl". I simply needed personal closure and wrote that I was sorry how things turned out, and that I saw he was well and hope for the best for him. I really wrote because I personally needed to I felt. He responded rather quickly, and I tried not to read too much into it but he said, "I guess that's the way things worked out." (among other things); somehow, I felt a pang of was he trying to word it that he wished things worked out differently? He was never disrespectful to his girlfriend, but he never claimed things were amazing/great/etc. Again, I was not trying to create a rift or any problem.So here I am, 2 years after that. I find myself occasionally dreaming of him and thinking about him. I feel awful as I have someone who loves me more than ever. I do love him too; I just never felt this exciting sensation I had with the former guy. Even when we first began dating, things were different with this one; safer, comfortable.I understand the previous guy most likely didn't genuinely like me as I did to him. But why am I still thinking of what could have been? Or why he chose another girl over me? I think I need to be grateful and enjoy what I have. Thank you in advance!
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 A thing to add, is that your current guy probably doesn't have the "it" factor for you. If you are not attracted to him, then with or without exes in your mind you will feel like something is missing and sooner or later another guy would tempt you again. Clarify this and maybe I can give a better answer. You are too young to settle for any guy just loving you. Love can be demanding. You said it had been a long time since the last guy so you have to be over him by now. The current guy could be just lacking in some department.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): OP you're hooked on the fantasy of the guy, the excitement of the drama you had with him. The movie-like will he, won't he and that is exciting.
There's very little hotter and more exciting to a woman than a guy who barely cares about her but shows the slightest of interest, when she has feelings for him. Because that kind of guy feeds a fantasy, you most likely had a long pseudo-relationship with him, one almost completely confined to your mind. I bet you imagined a million scenarios, had more than a few sexual fantasies etc. about this mysterious guy you couldn't actually attain and now you're stuck on that idea of him because you still have a bit of a mental relationship with him, you dream and fantasise about him still, and yeah you kind of should feel guilty because you don't exactly have room in your heart to completely devote it to your new guy because the former still occupies the exciting romantic part.
That's what you can't let go of, because the reality is you never actually had anything at all with this guy, just a casual fling.
You sound to me like one of those people that loves the things she can't have and has no interest in the things she can.
It also sounds like you didn't move on from this guy at all and the new one was a rebound, you decided to get with the safe option as a bit of a remedy for what happened too.
There's also a little bit of a link between your self-confidence and your rejection by this guy. You honestly can't seem to accept that he wasn't as interested in you as you liked and you won't let that go.
Another thing you must consider is that your current boyfriend may not be the man for you, because if you were truly happy with him then no one else would appeal to you and you wouldn't give a shit about the former guy.
OP if you have any contact with the former guy break it, if you have him on facebook delete him, completely get rid of him from your life, OP and start to think about what you have now and whether it is enough for you or you took the safe option.
Because it's not fair on your new guy that you still pine for someone else. How would you feel if things were reversed and a guy you were head over heels with was fantasising and liked better a girl he was with previously. You wouldn't exactly like to find out your were a fallback option for someone looking to play it safe would you?
So take your time and examine what you have now, is it enough or are you just comfortable? Are you just going through the motions here while you wait for an exciting prince charming to arrive to sweep you off your feet?
It's all well and good wanting to feel grateful and enjoy what you have, OP, it just means you have a kind heart. But you can't just magically make yourself feel that way. No one can. You literally cannot create sparks out of thin air, they're either there or they're not. In fact in time they generally tend to fade in relationships, but they rarely develop and almost never do 18 months in.
You may have settled for the wrong guy too early and for the wrong reasons, OP, he was a rebound, just one that was awesome enough to keep you around for 18 months.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 June 2014):
Many people feel like they love the people they have to chase. What it really is is desperation. I know that sounds harsh but it's usually the truth. You were desperate for his love. You didn't feel sparks, you craved his approval. Similar feeling but not the same thing.
This is a chorus from a 10yr old song: "if you want me for your girl, all you have to do is see, that you're not the boy for me."
Does that sound familiar?
I really wish I knew how to correct that and give you further advice, but I don't.
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