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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I don't know what to think...I understand that my cousin is under a unimaginable amount of stress, but her egotism is getting the best of her.Long story short, we're in our mid forties. Since she couldn't find a guy, she decided to have a child on her own, fearing of growing old alone (her words). My personal opinion is not important, it's her life, but so that you know where I stand: I think that it is a selfish reason to bring a child into this world. And FYI my family and I were there to support and help her. She ignored when doctors told her that she was taking a huge risk. She just wanted a baby. But not any baby - the perfect one. She did everything to prepare her body and chose a beautiful and young Nordic sperm-donor. She did all the genetic testing she could afford. The only other thing she was obsessed with was not gaining weight, so she started eating only "healthy" foods (carb free; including healthy carbs!) and even losing weight.Something went wrong with her body and she needed to be hospitalized an put under all sorts of meds to prevent her from having an early delivery. In other words doctors are doing all they can to save the baby.Here's the rub. My cousin is so afraid that these meds (that 10 of thousands of future moms had been treated with before her) might hurt the baby in the sense that he may be born with some defect, that he won't be intelligent enough or have some other mental issues (none of it is mentioned as a possible side effect), that she is seriously thinking about LOSING this pregnancy in the 27th week. All the doctors say that the baby is in excellent health! I'm not against abortion or intentional losing of pregnancy, but this is insane!I understand her worries, but it seems to me that she doesn't want the baby unless if it fits the life she had already imagined. She wants to talk to him in English (not our mother tongue) because she wants him to learn it fast. She wants to send him to a French kindergarten, so that he could learn French as well. She plans to send him to a special school early, so that he can have a head-start in comparison to other "ordinary kids" (her words).I can't support her decision to check herself out of the hospital. It's dangerous for her too. She doesn't care about THIS KID, she just wants "a kid" that would fit her puzzle perfectly. It's just not fair. She keeps calling me ALL TE TIME, day and night and wants to talk for hours on end and is angry because I don't support this decision and share her opinion, even if I tell her that it's her life and that she can do whatever she wants, that I'm giving her my opinion because she's asking for it.Just so that you know, I'm not fighting with her, I'm really supportive and caring, but this is really wearing me down. I cook and bring her food every day. Her mother is also on her wits end. She stopped answering her calls, because she can't take it anymore. Her mother is 80 years old and very frail.I don't know what to do. I can't just tell her that it's ok to leave the hospital and stop the treatment, because I think it's dangerous for her and she will lose the baby for sure.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (12 February 2021):
 This whole drama - because that is what is being created here - is taking its toll on you, so I have to ask, why are you so involved? I get your cousin is family, but she is also an adult and has worked out for herself what she wants in life. It may not be what YOU want, and it certainly wouldn't be what I would want, but this is HER life and, rightly or wrongly, it is what she has chosen.
For what it is worth, if I were in your shoes I would worry about the baby tremendously as her "love" seems totally conditional on the baby being smart enough to fulfill her dreams. I suspect, once it is born, she may very well change her attitude and realize that the most important things are that the baby is healthy and happy, not how many languages it can speak or how "smart" it will be.
Sadly there are many people who have children for what others would see as "wrong" reasons; not wanting to grow old alone is only one of them. The biggest danger with this is that she will be so controlling and possessive that her child's instinct will be to break away from her as soon as possible. I know this from experience as my own mother had me and my brother for the very same reason. She was so controlling and terrified we would leave her, it became a self fulfilling prophesy and we both left home at the first opportunity we got.
You cannot make your cousin's choices for her. In your shoes I would try to distance myself from her enough to take the pressure off yourself a little, but stay close enough to keep an eye on the child. You may need to step in and get involved if the mother feels disappointed in her offspring.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2021): Well, it seems to me you're dealing with a neurotic self-indulgent individual who starves for attention. She seems to have plenty of money and time to waste; and enjoys the drama and commotion she stirs-up. Having the time of her life driving everybody crazy about her far-out plans and what seems to be a frivolous decision to bring a child into this world in her forties. As if it's picking-up a hobby like breeding chinchillas!
Frankly, I doubt she's seeking anybody's approval or support. She's one of those flamboyant individuals that likes reeking havoc and being the center of attention. She just wants everyone fawning over her; and using the pregnancy as a means to draw the spotlight onto herself. I can only make a lot of speculations based on your descriptions; but it just seems pretty easy to me to just tell her to give it rest! She's too old to behave so tempestuously and batty!
All that she's doing deserves nothing more than eyerolls! Just be available for real emergencies.
Don't pick-up the phone if you're not in the mood for her foolishness. If it's a medical emergency, your number is the wrong number anyway! Why are you going out of your way for all her nonsense anyhow??? This post seems very familiar, and the same topic I am certain we've handled before here at DC. I'm pretty sure our answers are the same.
This is all a midlife crisis; and she is only putting-on a big performance that has everyone in a frenzy. When you don't feel like dealing with her nonsense, tell her so! Your advice and support means less to her than your undivided-attention; and she really gets a kick out of watching you all freakout! You are all wasting your time trying to admonish her about her outlandish and pretentious displays. She is apparently terrified of aging. Doing her best to act half her age; meanswhile enjoying all the fuss. Hopefully, she will have a healthy child; but it appears the child will be in the hands of a very insecure and somewhat mentally-unstable mother. Pray for her and the baby! I will!
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (10 February 2021):
 You may think you support her but you have a very entitled attitude towards her. You are very judgmental about the choices she has made. It isn't your life, your child or your choice. So what if she chose to get in shape, eat healthy and has high expectations of the child she is bringing into this world? Why does it bother you so much? You come across as jealous in all honesty. Just be a friend for goodness sake.
You are also not honest with her about your opinions. Is your life so put together? I bet it isn't. Stop sniping behind your cousins back and be nicer to her. If what she is saying angers you so much then tell her so. Tel her you will not take her calls because her negativity is bringing you down.
Simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2021): Hi
You are over involved and nurse maiding an independent able bodies grown woman who intends to take care single headedly a baby. Leave her be, it's natural for her to worry about her child and want the best for him. The truth is GOD and only God will decide what he wants for her and her child, so stop fretting and mommy coddling your cousin. Why on earth can't she cook for herself?
Get on with your own life and tell her to grow up and take care of herself and take responsibility for the future life she has planned and mapped out. She can get good support from mingling with other mothers and support groups.
Hope all goes well for you all.
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