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My brother raped me when I was in 4th grade

Tagged as: Family, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 December 2009) 37 Answers - (Newest, 23 December 2009)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

When I was in fourth grade, my brother (9th grade) had been touching me a lot lately and saying sexual things and putting on porn while I was there in the room, showing me his genitals. I would try to cover him up but he'd uncover himself again. I didn't know what was going on, honestly. I didn't know if it was wrong or normal.

I said something about it in front of a live-in nanny one day, because I didn't realize it was wrong and she told my parents and I think they sat him down and spoke with him.

After that, he was standing in his room and called me in. I kept saying "why" and stalling around. I was too weak-minded and insecure to say "no." So I just stood there, frozen, asking "why." After 5 or 6 times of asking "why" and him saying he had something to show me, I went in. He shut the door and took off our clothes. He took out his p***s and grabbed me and placed me on top of him. I don't remember the rest. I have no memory of it whatsoever. Until now, everytime the thought came up, I have pushed it so far back and now I don't even know what happened. All I know is, we had sex because that's what he said we were going to do.

I know it was my fault. Obviously, I mean, I went in there, I didn't run and scream... I was too .. well.. I didn't have any friends, I had just moved there with my brothers because we were adopted there and our dad was verbally/physically abusive.. so I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I was too inferior to everyone around me. My inablilty to say "no" has gotten me into several messes that I regret with all my power. I've finallly learned, after being married and having an amazing husband. But I still haven't told him that story, because I don't want him to hate me. It was my fault and he'll know that.

My brother-in-law has this bishop and I asked him for his email address because I thought maybe I should talk to him about it. It's been bugging me recently. But now I feel stupid. I already know what he's going to say. He's going to say it's my fault. He'll think I'm disgusting. I don't what to do. I thought maybe, some feedback here would help me. If I get enough disgusted responses, then I'll know I can't. I've known my whole life it's my fault so why do I have to go meet someone in person to tell me that. I'd rather here it frmo strangers on the internet, then at least, I don't have to confront anyone.

Thank you for reading.

View related questions: insecure, porn, the internet

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (23 December 2009):

Tisha-1 agony auntHi, OP, you need to PM Andrew if you need a specific post over a certain age removed. The thread is being closed so you don't get more posts on it. I hope you take my advice to get some professional counseling seriously; I do wish you well.

All the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

DEAR MOD: Please remove the last comment from this page. My hub's cousin passed away. All those who said they would pray for me, please pray for her family (5bros/sis and parents)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Don't say sorry for me. Her parents and siblings and Aunt and Uncle are all in great pain. She is my husband's cousin. I don't know her very well but I go on his behalf since he can not go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009):

I am sorry about your family member, but you will be heading to church anyway seeing as someone is ill and you'll want to pray, so Yes still go! As we have been consistantly telling you all this time, it'd be silly not to.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm not sure about talking to the Bishop anymore. I don't think I want to. A family member has been hospitalized and she's hooked up to a machine that breathes for her and she has constant convulsions and brain damage after all this... so now my problem seems completely insignificant and I would feel really dumb wasting time on this when I could be at the hospital.

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A female reader, GoGreen126 United States +, writes (16 December 2009):

You have. And I believe that I speak for all of us when I say that you'll be in our thoughts. We're all hoping that you'll come to realize the truth about this occurence and that you are in no way at fault.

We wish you the best on the road to recovery.

--GG

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've touched hearts? I've always hoped I could touch someone..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009):

Thank you from all of us for the good ratings.

you have obviously touched our hearts; just look at the massive number of answers your posting has got, all positive.

Don't spoil it by continuing to think badly of yourself, you are a simply wonderful person, polite and mature beyond your years anhd a credit to yourself for being so despite your early traumas.

Now, learn to love yourself. Make that your Christmas present to you, PLEASE?

Merry Christmas to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

You all got nice ratings.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009):

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Male, anon.. I got a vibe of pain from your post. I hope everything is ok.

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A female reader, Azure Rain United States +, writes (15 December 2009):

It was not your fault and I wish I could help you to understand this. I was molested as a child and I believed it was my fault because i didn't say no I didn't fight cry or try to run away. I was the type of child who did what she was told. I knew that the actions were wrong but i thought i would get in trouble because i allowed them to happen. I was in third grade and the boy was in high school. I too blocked it out and forgot about it until one day i was watching oprah tell her life story and the horrible memories came back. I thought that throughout my life they were just nightmares but it was a sad reality.

It was not your fault and you are not a fool. You do not deserve to be punished.I do believe that you should see a counsellor to help build up your self-worth.

Think of your daughter she needs to see that you are a strong mommy who will not let people walk over her. You don't want her to mimic you and think that its ok to think of herself as being less than others.

I told my husband about my past and he doesn't look at me differently. He just wishes it never happened to me. He also offered to go to counseling with me if I wanted to go. Your husband loves you and he will not blame you, he will help you get through this and be your support system.

God does not blame you, so do not blame yourself you were a victim.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009):

Noone should force themselves on another. Let yourself feel the pain but don't shut down. Life has many good things to offer.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

By the way, if they are blocking you, it may be because you have somehow made them think that you are not an appropriate responder, in general. After a while, they get tired of editing answers, so they deny the person altogether. Also, you're not supposed to give personal details in messages. It's a big no-no. Sorry, I don't really know the reason, I'm just giving some suggestions.

I"m sorry, I'm not trying to be superior, I just noticed that your problem went unacknowledged.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (14 December 2009):

Tisha-1 agony auntAnd one more thing. If fourth-graders were considered responsible and mature and liable for their actions, they'd all be driving, served with alcohol if they wanted and would be eligible for military service, as well as able to vote and serve on juries.

Obviously, this is not the case. So cut your fourth-grade self a break, okay?

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A female reader, loveu2010 United Kingdom +, writes (14 December 2009):

loveu2010 agony auntnone of this is your falt and it obviously was rape you where under age and as ws your brother but he knew what he was doing none of this was your falt dont ever belive it was you it was all him you need a counceler and they help you but dont make you talk onlii wen your ready i have read your passages and of corse we are going to reply we have all got a problem why else would we be on this site its great a good way to help you

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

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Again, not what I expected. I thought I'd get a "get help and stop wasting our time."

I actually think I'm fine. Really fine. But, I will let you know at the end of the week when I have spoken to Bishop. I read that holding things in can cause heart palpitations, which I have and they get really bad. But the echo I got on my heart when I moved out said it was healthy.

Anyway, thank you all for your wisdom and kindness, and Tish, I like your metaphor. Thanks so much.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (14 December 2009):

Tisha-1 agony auntThat last followup demonstrates exactly why you need professional help. Your logic, reasoning and analysis aren't working due to the emotional trauma. It's like you have a brain tumor. No one would expect you to do surgery on yourself to remove it. You simply don't have the skill, tools or training to do so, not to mention that you can't operate on yourself as you'd be incapacitated by the anesthesia.

To expect yourself to deal with this without help is like that. You're incapacitated and your thought processes are messed up. You still can get up and function and do everyday things but the fundamental analysis of yourself is so flawed that you can't heal yourself.

Once you realize that, then you can reach out for real help, not just a bunch of well-meaning but untrained amateur agony aunts on an anonymous site. Save your own life, your reasons for not telling aren't compelling enough NOT to talk to a professional specializing in incest and sexual abuse.

Screw your courage to the sticking point and ask for real help. That's what the non-self-destructive part of you is trying to do, if only the rest of you won't sabotage it. Feeling pain is a part of life, but life isn't all about feeling pain all the time. Get healthy, just as you would as if you had a brain tumor.

Hugs.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

You DO deserve to be comforted.

Why?

Because you have under-valued yourself for all of your life and I can only guess at why, but others on here have made assessmants on your earlier years that are likely to be near the mark.

It doesn't matter.

What matters is that you learn to value yourself as at least the equal of anyone else around you.

Counselling would be a good start; PLEASE do it, don't just think about it.

You rightly observe that many people have been kind in their responses to your situation; don't let their efforts go to waste.

You are a good person and have nothing to reproach yourself for in all this, but if you insist on not taking action against your brother but leaving it in the past, then promise me that you will leave any suggestion of culpability on your part in the past, too.

A deal?

I think that it requires more than a few words in these pages to help you properly, but for some reasons the Moderators on here block my answers when I identify myself, hence the anonymous reply now.

If I could be sure that they would allow it, i would leave you my personal contact details so that we could chat at length - I have a lot or experience in counselling and pastoral care.

What about it, Mods?

Or at least tell me why you block me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

I have read all that you have put again and your feeling very adamant that you were to blame seems to stem much deeper than just the situaton with your brother. From what you have wrote i feel that you have been brought and the values that have been put on you have led you to feel inferior to other people and possibly you have been told through your childhood that if anything goes wrong it's your fault. You say you would rather blame yourself than put any on your brother and you dont want to be angry as that is a feeling which makes you feel horrible so it easier to carry on blaming yourself. These are indicators of someone who has as a child been brought up to be told not to be angry and who has been blamed when things have gone wrong.

You seem sure that you dont want to report your brother as you feel that it is water under the bridge and would ruin his marriage etc. However i am reading a woman who has carried those values into her adulthood and what im reading i feel for you. You do feel anger, you have pushed it under and replaced it with blaming yourself. It is still affecting you and has resurfaced because you never dealt with it. And whilst you are happily married and feel that you are now safe you say that if your husband was to cheat it would only be what you expect and accept in life that you feel you deserve people to abuse you.

I have to say again that no matter whether you go on to report your brother or not, that is your choice, i feel strongly that you could benefit greatly from someone who is experienced in sexual abuse and a good counsellor will help you explore and challenge the feelings that you have about yourself.

You may also feel very differently about what happened to you not only with regards to your brother but also about how you really feel, hidden deep inside. I do wish you all the best for the future and i hope that if anything you can start to believe that you were not to blame and you do not deserve to be treated inferior to anyone. Best of luck again x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm being comforted.. I don't like it. I don't deserve it. I came here expecting people to tell me I was being stupid. I'm a self destructive person and you all are slowing that down.

I will let you all know after I speak with Bishop. I'm really scared. I don't know if I'll be able to talk. Typing is much easier.

Thank you all so much. You're all really sweet people, wasting your time on a fool. Sometimes, I wish it would happen again because I feel like bad things should happen to me. I love my husband, I love my daughter and unless he cheats on me, I guess the pain ends here. Who will I be living in a home in which no one yells at me, degrades me, harrasses me, hits me, threatens me? I'll be no one and compared to all the suffering out there, my life will be easy. That's not what I'm here for. I'm here to have crap piled onto me. It'll be like eating pie.. that's not right. That's not what should happen to me.

In sixth grade, I was humilitated by a friend. I was only friends with her because no one else liked her and I had a need to save people. Then she embarrassed me and what did I say to her? I told her that. I told her that I felt sorry for her and that that was the basis of our friendship. Can you believe that? I haven't uttered a harsh word to anyone since then.

I had sex with my brother and it was my fault. It WAS my fault. It was. I'm supposed to feel bad. That's who I am. I thought i would feel worse if I told my story here. That's what I wanted. I need to be punished. I went in I let him do things I didn't tell anyone, I lived with him for 7 years after that and pretended like it never happened.

It was my fault.

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A female reader, PixiePie United Kingdom +, writes (13 December 2009):

PixiePie agony aunti want you to read what i am about to say very carefully:

i too was raped and found it extremely hard to deal with. i didn't tell any one until way after it had happened and i also believed i was disgusting and it was my fault.

he locked me in a room and made me perform degrading and disgusting acts on him and i said no once, and then did it anyway, i was terrified of the guy and turned into a robot, just switching off. he then put me through hours of this horrific crime against my body and i just let him. he then walked out and left me there. i couldn't cry, i couldn't move, all i could think of was how disgusting i was.

he has then gone on to rape at least one other girl and for ages i blamed myself, i still do to a point, but that is for not informing on him when i needed to.

the only way i rid myself of this terrible guilt and hate of myself and my body was talking, and hearing how people accepted me.

i have to admit i am in no way over it, but i am now in a wonderful relationship with my partner who knows my story and does everything in his power to help me get over it.

i know it will take time, but you have taken the first step, admitting there is a possibility that it isn't your fault.

please carry on thinking this way and if ever you need to talk i am here.

much love and best wishes

pixie

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (13 December 2009):

Tisha-1 agony auntYou didn't "have sex". You were assaulted by your brother. You were in fourth grade. There's no blame to be apportioned to you.

Simple as that.

Have you ever talked to a professional therapist or psychologist with training in abuse issues? I guess not, based on your post and your followups.

I think it would be a good idea for you to do this. Just to talk things through and figure out if it has had any impact on you after this time.

It's not your fault.

You're not disgusting.

That you think you are at fault and disgusting shows your thinking is not rational around this. Okay?

Ask for a referral to a therapist or psychologist soon, please. And let us know how it goes if you so choose.

Hugs to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

Hiya, Your brother was to blame for what happened, he knew exactly what he planned to do when you went in the room as he told you clearly what was going to happen. Even if you didnt shout out or you are feeling that your responses to what happened at the time was some sign that you were also to blame it does not, he made that choice.

I think that talking through with a counsellor or a phone counselling service which specialises in rape will help you to share the feelings that you have kept with you since your brother sexually abused you. Because as much as we can all tell you it wasnt your fault i think that you will still carry on believing that due to feeling that your response at the time gave him the go ahead to do what he did to you. If it helps i think you blocked it out because it was extremely traumatic for you and you didnt scream because people do one or two things they either fight or flight. In this instance you froze and your body shut down.

You are also clearly showing that you have a low self esteem, saying im inferior to everyone else and believing that you will be judged as being disgusting and that has stayed with you for some years. For your own wellbeing i feel that it would benefit you greatly to have counselling with someone who can help you to explore why you feel this way and to enable you to feel better about yourself.

I wish you all the best for the future and i hope that you can get the help to believe that you are a worthwhile person who has been treated terribly by other people who have broken your trust. Take care Beth x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

Anger is neither good nor bad it is what it is. It's the behavior, what you do about anger that can be good or bad. Because you have every right to feel your anger and hurt against your brother for what he did to you. In fact it is necessary for your emotional and spiritual healing because underneath anger is the deeper emotion, sadness.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

How old was your brother when he raped you? And yes, he did rape you, and you are not to blame at all for this. He is older, he knew better. He told you to get into the room, he pulled off your clothes. You didn't initiate it, and EVEN IF YOU DID, he is still to blame. Do you know that if a grown man has sex with a under aged girl, he goes to prison, no matter if the girl says she loves him and wanted to have sex with him? Why is that law? Because it is the older mans responsibility. Just like it is a parents responsibility to not let their small children play with knives. Its not the parent that cuts the child, but if the child plays with knives and gets hurt, its the parents responsibility.

Just as it was your brothers responsibility that you DIDNT get raped by him (oddly put, but you should understand what I mean).

Telling your husband does not mean you have to point at your brother and say "he's the one". It means you tell your husband what happened, that you were abused and raped by someone in your family, but you dont want to say who because of, well, the difficulty it is when there is incest in a family. You feel you dont want to harm the family, cause problems, it was so many years ago, times were different then, yadda yadda.

Fact is if you came out with the story and told everyone in the world, and it broke the family apart: it is not your doing. It is your brothers. He's the one to blame, and he'd be the cause of the family splitting up.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

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After I talk to Bishop, i will decide if i can tell my hub. He knows something happens but he doesn't know who and he doesn't know the story. I tell him it's my fault and he doesn't believe me, but that's because he doesn't know the story. Tell on my brother? He's 24, I have no proof of any kind and it happened 11 yeras ago. That ship has sailed.

I realize it isn't entirely my fault. We share the blame.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

You should also tell your husband.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

Not saying no, doesnt mean yes.

A man rapes a woman and says "she didn't say no" But he will be asked "Did she say yes?"

You didn't say yes. So you are not part of any blame. You didn't want this. And you were used.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

Come on how is that your fault? It blatantly isn't, it's your brother's and you need to tell on him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

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You are all so nice.. I can't believe you all took time out of your day to put up with me. Reading your words, it makes sense kind of. I've never listened to what anyone else had to say because I've never told anyone. All i've ever had were my own thoughts. Actually, I had one friend in fifth grade. I told her that I had sex with him and pretended to her that I liked it. I guess it was my way of getting the story out of my mind without admitting what really happened. Well, then she spread it all around and it followed me till middle school. Lol. I'm an idiot.

Anyway, what you're all saying is making sense to me now. But now that the possiblility of it not being my fault (just a possibility) is in sight, I don't like it. Because you're right, rythmandblues, I don't want to hate my brother and be angry with him and blame him. That's.. more unpleaseant than blaming myself. I'd rather feel shame than anger. Anger is bad and it makes me feel horrible. I will think about all of this and go see the bishop on Thursday. I told my BIL I didn't think I could do it and he offered to drive me there and wait outside (he has no idea what it's about). I think I will have him do that. I will think this over and talk to Bishop. I will let everyone know how it goes when I am finished.

Thank you so much. You are good people. Or at least you seem to me to be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

It doesn't make it your fault because you did not run screaming. This was your brother whom you trust and who was older and had dominance over you. You were a child without judgment and were innocent of any knowledge of sex or rape or molestation, you were controlled and taken advantage of in the worst way. You blanked out because that is what our defenses automatically do to protect ourselves from psychological pain, trauma and fear. This is not giving willing consent, this is not your fault, you were not are not dispicable, but your brother is. He did an unthinkable, dispicable act, it was rape.

Years later you are still thinking like a victim and blaming yourself because it is just too painful to be angry and blame your very own brother. But that is what you need to do to get past this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

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No, my biological parents weren't abusive. They loved us. We were kidnapped lol and went through some foster care before landing here. It was my adoptive father who was abusive. He's different now though. We've all moved out and he's learned from his mistakes I think. He's nice now. But anyway, I couldn't trust them to tell them. I'd just met them and didn't like them. i don't think he did it to anyone else. He got married. And if I say anything now it'll ruin their lives. Plus, I forgot the hwole thing even happened for about four years. I'm not sure what reminded me of it, but it was after they got married that I remembered. I just thought maybe he deserves a second chance. He was a teenager and .. boys are dumb sometimes.

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A female reader, GoGreen126 United States +, writes (13 December 2009):

Reading your post, I cry for you. You were raped. You were very young. I promise to you that this isn't your fault. I attend church every Sunday, and anyone there would tell you the same thing. You were raped.

Please talk to your bishop--maybe talking to him will help you see that this is in no way your fault.

Best wishes--

message me any time--

--GG

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

In no way was this your fault. Your brother is a rapist. It means he gets off on control and abuse, this wasn't about sex for him. You saying your biological father was emotionally and verbally abusive may have contributed to your brother abusing you, possibly your brother may have been sexually molested by his father...?

I would talk to a professional therapist about this as you need some help to heal. I wish you would have reported your brother at least to your adoptive parents. He may have gone on to do this to other girls he knew.

I am sorry this happened to you, and know that rape is never the victim's fault, you did nothing wrong, you were an innocent child and he took that innocence from you, you not remembering most of it was your psychological defense mechanism to deal with the trauma of being raped by your very own brother a trusted member of your own family.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

This is ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR FAULT. Regardless of what you've convinced yourself to believe. Trust me, I know. When I was in 3rd grade, I was forced into sexual acts with another student from my class. I always blamed myself for it saying things like "I should've told someone," "I should've said no," "I should've called for help." But the truth is when you're a kid, you're taught that certain topics are a "no-no" and some children aren't as outgoing as others and tend to keep to themselves. If this bishop tells you it's your fault, then I'd say he's an overjudgemental hypocrite. Being raped/forced into sex is not easy to get over, but know that as an innocent child; IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. What's important is that you are happy and healthy and are with someone that loves you and will always care for you. What happened to me used to bother me a lot too, but overtime I realized that I can't keep dwelling on the past.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

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I read your passage. She was not condemed because she was actually raped. He was stronger than her and physically forced her. I was weaker, physically and in mind but my mind was all it took to defeat me. That's not rape.. that's... pathetic on my part. And dispicable. That's my fault. I should've ran screaming but i was a weak spec of dirt.. for allowing it, I deserved it. Why would you say it's not my fault?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

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I didn't make the title.. I don't even know that it was rape.

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