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anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has a weird relationship with his grown daughters. They are 20 and 25. He allows the younger one to drink in our home when she is driving. He roughhouses with the older one and sometimes will intertwine his limbs with hers when they are on the couch. Yesterday, they were fooling around while I was taking a picture of them and he accidentally touched her breast. I saw it, nothing was said at the time but when he got home from driving her home I asked him about it. He said, yes it happened. But then refused to discuss it. The fact that rough housing with your 25 year old is not a great idea for this very reason, is why I wanted to discuss it. The fact that his daughter has no romantic relationships in the last 7 years, I feel is at least in part to her overly close relationship with him.I have stood by silently for years and watched this. I have said nothing to him about this, but after yesterday I don't want him to touch me. He is acting like nothing happened. He keeps trying to grab me. I am disgusted. Am I over reacting? Yesterday, we were all watching Trouble With the Curve. Amy Adams kissed her boyfriend in front of her dad in the movie. His youngest exclaImed OOOH! I asked her what was wrong with that. She thinks that a woman kissing her man in front of her father is wrong but she kisses her father on the lips in front of her boyfriend all the time.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2013):
 OP, let's start with a premise, just for the sake of argument.. and of precision : going to a nude beach with your grown up children may be a bad idea or a good idea- depending from who is the person having the idea and why he is having it.
You have a big problem with adults and their offspring seeing each other naked. I do too, frankly I'd rather get shot in a knee rather than showing myself au naturel to my son. But, other people do not have our values or hang ups , without for that necessarily being morally repulsive. In fact, the whole point of nudism is that we are used to equate nudity with sexuality- and there's no such equation.. Once I ended up ( by mistake, I swear, lol ! I boarded the wrong ferry ! ) in a place called , if I remember correctly, Ile du Levant , in the Gulf of Hyeres in France, and it's an entire no clothes ISLAND. I spent just a few hours on a beach there, waiting for the next ferry to the mainland, but it was enough to see that the people were mostly families- complete with naked 80something grandmas . So yes, there are people who do not necessarily associate nudity with sin , sex and weird stuff, and have no problems showing themselves to, or seeing, anybody without clothes, including their family members.
BUT , the problem is that you don't believe your husband is among them. If this episode bothers you and worries you, is precisely because you think / suspect him to ENJOY the sight of his daughters' naked bodies. To have lustful, sexual thoughts for them. You, right or wrong we don't know yet ... judge him capable of being THAT kind of guy : a pervert. Someone who'd fuck his own daughter if only he could get away with it.
That's a very serious thing to think about your husband.
I don't know if you are right or wrong, but, my question is : if you are at the point of having these kind of suspicions about him, if you think him capable of incest ( if only he were given the occasion )... what are you doing still there ? how come you haven't said " No thanks, that's definitely not my kind of guy, I am out of here ? "
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for answering. Last weekend he took his 2 daughters to a clothing optional beach. Say what you want but I don't think it is a good idea to take your grown daughters to a nudist beach. And no the girls did not know until they got on the beach that that is what it was. And I have every right to be concerned about them as young women that I care for.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 June 2013):
OP, I am a bit perplexed here, I don't get what EXACTLY is your beef with the situation.
On one hand you play it as if it is simply a matter of disapproving his parental skills and the exanple he sets for his kids. In this case, you may be right , but, what can you do. That's HIS daughter, that's the way he chose to raise her so far, you can voice your concerns if you wish, but I don't think it will change anything, and then again he has the right to raise HIS kids the way he wants and to give them the example and teachings HE wants , positive or negative. It's not something that would concern you AS A WIFE, or your personal relationship with him. Then again, who knows, maybe the younger one just needs a wake up in the shape of a night in the slammer and a zillion of community service hours, to learn her lesson.
As for the older one never having had a relationship because she is so close to dad, that's simply your assumption, not a fact . Maybe she was fine without a bf , maybe she was just unlucky. Maybe she has halitosis. Go figure. It's nice of you to be concerned, but it's not really any skin off your nose, again, not an issue affecting you two AS A COUPLE.
So, if you play it as a general concern of a caring stepmom, fine,but it's not really anything that you COULD or SHOULD have any control on. You can say your opinion if you wish, there's liberty of speech, and you should be se renely prepared to see it ignored or contrasted by him. Opinions may vary and yours is as good as his.
BUT, at the same time, you seem to imply something darker and deeper and more sinister ? You seem to think- without spelling it out - that they are physically attracted to each other ? That there's an undercurrent of sexual desire between them, or worse, that they are acting on this firbidden attraction ?...
What can I say. From the examples you provided , my, totally subjective ,opinion, was that no, it does not seem sexual . Close yes , inappropriate not yet. Maybe because I live in Soutern Europe where parent / child bond is notoriously very tactile and physical. But I don't think pecking a daughter on the lips or a bit of cuddling on the sofa = incest, or thoughts of incest. Then again, now that I think of it, I have seen plenty of cuddly parents in USA too.
I also can imagine that these things are hard to describe on paper, it's more of a gut feeling, and/ or there might have been other stranger , more inappropriate behaviours.
In this case ... frankly I am at a loss. All I can advise you is to be very objective, very prudent, and very certain before deciding this is what you think it is; but once that you are ,... I don't know OP, what else to suggest other than breaking up ? how do you "fix " an incestuous dad ? How do you live with a husband that has an emotional, or worse, physical affair with his own daughter ?! I could not- there's no coming back from this type of things, it can't be condoned for a second. And I can't imagine any woman who would condone, forgive, discuss, reason... IMO the only appropriate reaction would be , pack up your things and take the door as if chased by a pack of wolves.
Reason for which,I think you have to gather very solid evidence before proceeding with accusations.
And also, you have to make up your mind about what really bothers you : the fact that he is not raissng his kids as you would if they were yours ( inevitable problem of blended families ) or something more and worse ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am talking about a 25 soon to b 26 year old woman. She is in no way a little girl. And when I say entwined on the couch I do not mean laying her feet on him. There is no jealousy here, just concern that he is giving his other underage daughter alcohol and sending her out in her car. Especially since California has a 0 percent alcohol policy in anyone under 21 and she is a bad driver with multiple tickets and accidents.
His ex-wife told me recently that part of what caused them to split up was his "obsession" with his oldest daughter to the detriment of the marriage. I have many more examples but suffice it to say I am genuinely concerned that the relationship she has with her dad has stopped her from being able to develop a normal relationship with a man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): I feel like you need to provide more examples. I mean, that's in my opinion. Rough housing and playing around, I don't find that too unusual. While my dad never did (he's just not the type), my uncle (my mother's brother) used to do that all the time to me and my sister. That is just the type of guy he is. He would run after us and hang us upside down and throw us around and we would be in tears laughing. And I NEVER felt him be inappropriate. I mean if he was playing around with us, play boxing or hanging us upside down and accidently touched our boob, it might've happened but it was never intended. And the thought that it was in any way inappropriate would've never crossed my mind because there was no malice or ill intention on his part. With the kissing thing, I also find that somewhat harmless. I never kissed a guy in front of my dad till I was a real adult (late 20's). Before that, I wouldn't have dared do that. It just seemed weird. I didn't want my parents to see me be affectionate like that towards a guy. At 20, kid's are shy about that, it's an age where you are experimenting and still don't feel comfortable talking about or flaunting intimacy in front of your parents. It is very natural to feel that way. As for the fact that she shows her dad affection in front of her boyfriend. She's technically a little girl still. She still has a very strong bond with her father. At that age, I don't find that weird at all. As for kissing on the lips, that's probably a cultural thing. When I was growing up, all my aunts and my grandma would kiss me on the lips. I have friends and boyfriend's who have the same thing with family members. Does that make my aunts and my grandma lesbian sexual offenders? OF COURSE NOT! And as for the 25 year old daughter who has never had a relationship, not trying to be rude or stir the pot, but maybe she is a lesbian? I mean there are so many reasons why it could be she has remained single and I find it absurd that the only one you can think of is some unhealthy bond with her father. I just feel like the examples you provided are in no way telling of something other than a normal, loving family with quirks and cultural differences, different from yours obviously, that you are adding a dark and negative connotation to. At this point I find your accusations a lot more suspect and weird than this man's bond with his daughter's. If you would like to provide more examples, I would be happy to reevaluate your concern.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 June 2013):
OP, you say yourself that he touched her accidentally- and if it was accidental, what was there to say ?!, other than maybe " oops sorry " , but perhaps not even that, to not make it more awkward than it was.
I too am not a big fan of roughhousing with an adult child - but because they could get hurt and because gee do they need to be so hyper, could'nt they just play cards or something ?- not because they could accidentally touch each other's body. If it happens , - it's accidental, no big deal.By your token, every ride in a crowded subway would be cause for pressing charges for sexual assault. While in general it's blatantly clear if people brushes you accidentally or if they are tryng to cop a feel.
Ditto for intertwining limbs . If by that you mean they stay locked in a passionate full body embrace,- yeah that would be strange. But if, as I suspect, you just mean they make themselves nice and comfy, one laying down and resting his/her feet on the other's knees, or something like that...I don't know OP, I am a big mother/son intertwiner myself and I have seen plenty of intertwining people around me, it can't be that bad :).
I am not even clear OP if you suspect your husband has incestuous tendencies - is that where your revulsion comes from ? is that what you are asking us ? Then the answer is- for what I can know just from what you have written in your post, no, it's only your paranoia, these behaviours do not sound sexual or seductive .
Or , you just find strange what you don't understand, the use of body for physical closeness, affection and comfort ? Other than between husband and wife ?...
Well, different strokes for different people. Some family keep very strict physical boundaries and would feel wrong or embarassed in being closer, other families enjoy physical contact in a most innocent, natural, playful way. It's just something you apparently are not used to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): OP there is nothing sexual in anything they did. He accidentally touched her breast, I do that every time I go to the night club, gig or music festival, literally 10's times. My fiancée who is usually with me will accidentally brush her breasts against tens of guys just going to get a drink or get to the front. Doctors have probably had their hands all over your breasts, fingers inside your vagina, were any of those times sexual? Should your husband reel away in disgust every time you get a breast exam? Shit OP he better not tell you when he gets a prostate exam, you'll never let him touch you again.
OP you need to ask yourself why a woman your age views this guy's own daughter as a romantic threat to you. You think because she's single and they're physically close that there's something more to it?
I don't see what you see here at all OP, it seems a bit like jealousy more than anything.
really OP, jealousy is the only way I can see why you've twisted this so far into something seedy and dirty when it's nothing like that.
Kissing a boyfriend in front of your father is probably an awkward thing for a lot of girls but kissing a father goodbye in front of a boyfriend is nothing.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 June 2013):
 How long have you been with your boyfriend? Did you say "years"? Why is this now coming up if you've been in a long term relationship with him? I could see you getting a bit uncomfortable if you just now started dating him and saw this behavior.
Some families are more "touchy" than others! If the kiss on the lips is a peck, then what's the problem? I see that all the time between parents and kids, even adult ones. As long as they're not slipping each other the tongue or making out on the couch, then what's the problem?
As for the roughhousing and touching her breast, if it was an accident, then it was an accident. If he was lingering and caressing, that would be different. But it isn't, and talking about it probably made him uncomfortable. What else does he need to say to you beyond "It was an accident"?
As for his daughter not having romantic relationships, is part of this the feeling in you that you resent his daughters' closeness to their dad? Are you secretly hoping that they get involved with other men and give you more private space with him? That does happen, the daughter/girlfriend friction. It's possible that she wants to roughhouse with her dad in front of you and the peck on the lips...and even the accidental breast slip in order to establish her territory against you. As in "I'm her daughter and Dad loves me best" thing.
Don't make a big deal of it, especially if it's been years. Just log it in your memory in case you see deliberate fondling or something like that, and don't worry about the daughters' love lives.
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