A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has been terrible in the past, staring at other women in public, buying disgusting mens magazines and putting them in plain sight where i could see them and thinking nothing of it, flirting with other girls behind my back and thinking nothing of it and posting/reblogging girls asses/boobs etc on his blog and thinking nothing of it, being dishonest and doing things he knew hurt me but continued,I get ALOT of male attention and he doesnt/didnt even seem bothered? He changed a few months ago and I mean CHANGED, he still has a look at women now and then (which i dont really know how you can stop that) but nothing much else, he said he got rid of his magazines (i doubt he did) and he got rid of his blog (im still suspicious that hes hiding one somewhere). But can someone really change? He's talked about marrying me, moving in, kids etc but his disgusting disrespectful past wont let me see this future properly with him, all i see is him sneaking and doing things he knows would hurt me again and maybe starting his gross habits again.What should i do? any advice? Is it really time to just put as much behind me as possible? Or keep a close eye on the relationship and how respectful he still is? Am i just really paranoid/insecure?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (3 October 2012):
You have all of the data you need to know about him. What he is doing WILL NOT change. If anything, it will get worse as he becomes more comfortable in the relationship and his sneaking becomes too much effort.
If you dont like his "past," which is really is present and future as well, please move on.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (30 September 2012):
OP you dont give any info about your boyfriend, ie age, previous relationships, etc but what you describe sounds like pretty normal single guy behaviour. Whats behind your "dishonest" label? That sounds serious and maybe you are looking for a reason not to be involved with him? If you have an enjoyable sex life together then what he did in the past whilst single probably has no importance or necessity for him. Sure hes gonna look at a pretty girl still, or check out a new porn link, but he should always be respectful of your feelings as long as you are not being insecure and hypersensitive. Most guys need sex every day or two so if you are not as neady then he is going to need some wacking off material, and what about during your period? Do you still have fun together then? I hope so. Good luck and a bit more info would help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): "Excuse me, i dont see why you think thats acceptable in a relationship as such, im sure if your partner expressed potentially cheating tendencies you wouldnt be particularly happy."
I don't see any of those things as cheating tendencies. I use porn for masturbation, my girlfriend does too. We both check out members of the opposite and same sex, we appreciate beauty. If we're having coffee in public and a very handsome man walks past I'll point him out to her so she can have a look. She's also very flirty with other guys but knows her limits and doesn't ever cross any lines.
We're together 7 years, neither of us have ever cheated in past relationships. We've gone to strip clubs together, we flirt with other people and we share links of good porn vids, pics for the other to enjoy. She sent me on a set of pictures of Carol Vorderman's ass a while ago with the heading "Ripe for a smackin'".
You talk about damage OP then why are you still there? It's obvious this damage is irreversible because he's done everything he can to appease you and here you are, still very hurt and pretty much view him as a guy with "potentially cheating tendencies". You don't trust this guy for second and you still can't figure out what to do?
OP I'm not right, nor are you wrong. We just have different perspectives on this and we don't have to agree. It's nothing to do with a male opinion OP my girlfriend sees things the same way I do and she doesn't see any of what you talked about as a threat. That's the key thing here and the reason you're not going to be able to get past this. We both view it the same way, so it's never going to become an issue for us and never has. But it has become a major issue for you because you and he are complete opposites in the way you view this kind of behaviour. This has become a very important issue for you and it's not going to get resolved because your opinions are too different.
What's right or wrong here OP is for you to decide in your life. I can only tell you how it works for me. This kind of thing obviously doesn't work for you so why are you still with a guy who you think still does it?
I'm not the one complaining about how much damage it's done, or how you can't trust him. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a person I felt that way about.
You came here asking you what you should do.
Well you have two choices.
1. Leave and find a guy who you're more compatible with and 2. You stay and try to find a way to fix this. So let me ask you OP, if you want to stay then how are you going to fix this? Because quite frankly I can't see how you can. He can't do anymore than what he has to try and resolve this and it hasn't worked. What now?
I think you really need to consider where this relationship is going and how it's going to be in say the next year. There is no trust here and it's making you miserable.
So fight my point of view all you want, disagree with everything I say OP, it's not going to make your relationship any better and if he thinks like I do, that it's not a big deal, you will never, ever convince him that it is. Just as much he will never be able to convince that it is not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question @Cerberus You dont realise the damage its done to my relationship, in myself im a secure woman, i always have been, its until i met him, i could take a blog but a blog, magazines and flirting with every female behind my back and looking at literally everything with the female anatomy? Excuse me, i dont see why you think thats acceptable in a relationship as such, im sure if your partner expressed potentially cheating tendencies you wouldnt be particularly happy. On the contrary, thank you for your opinion as a male.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (24 September 2012):
 In my experience they do not change. If he had the ability to do dishonest things behind your back and feel no remorse for it then he certainly can again. He may be happy now and willing to change everything but put him in the same type of situation again and you will find him doing the same sleazy crap. Also I've been in a situation where my ex did the type of things you mention. When he "changed" I tried to get past it and never could. It's like being cheated on... Just because a man says he will never do it again doesn't mean a woman can always just forgive it, forget and move on. Some things just change our opinion of our partner and it can't be fixed. It's obviously what happened to you. Not all men view women in such a sleazy way, you can appreciate beauty without blogging about women's asses and boobs behind your girlfriend's back. If you feel you should find a more respectful man rather than try to work it out with this one I think that would be understandable. It's what I ended up doing. A man who views women in this way won't ever change by the way, he will be better at hiding it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): "I get ALOT of male attention and he doesnt/didnt even seem bothered?"
Why would it bother him if he trusts you and you're trustworthy? Most girls get a hell of a lot of male attention OP, it comes with the territory of dating beautiful women. The guys that are really bothered by that aren't usually the kind of guy you want to date, jealousy and possessiveness are not good traits to have.
Personally that's what I think you are, jealous and possessive.
His behaviour is not something I would consider terrible to be honest. Men's magazines are as innate as women's magazines, they're nothing. Staring at other women in public is obviously not a good idea in front of the girlfriend but it's probably just a habit left over from being single, we all do it when single OP. The same goes for his blogging stuff. OP some men have appreciating the beauty of women as a hobby, it's not creepy, perverted or weird we love the sight of a beautiful woman. Your guy just was to slow to discover that those things can't continue in a relationship.
The key thing here OP is a complete difference in your fundamental beliefs on this whole thing. He sees it as nothing because to him it's nothing, you see it as a massive deal and feel you can't trust him because of it. Then I honestly don't see how you can be with him. He's even changed all this for you OP and it's still not enough for you. He's tried and nothing he does has worked, so I don't see how you can make this work because your feelings haven't changed even though he has. You think he's disgusting and disrespectful, why are you with a guy you have such a low opinion of OP?
It's simple, you don't feel secure in this relationship, you think he's low-life scum for finding other women in the world beautiful, even though he changed all that for you it's still not enough for you, you don't trust him, nothing he can ever do will change that, so I think it's obvious what you must do here OP.
You need to end this and move on, find a guy who you don't find to be a disgusting low life, and hope you do find a guy who never, ever looks at another woman or says anything nice about another woman because obviously you find that disgusting.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (24 September 2012):
 The male attention you received would only bother him if he thought he might lose something. Either lmao1989 is right in that he knew you'd never leave him or because he kept his options open and he knew he could easily replace you if you left.
I wouldn't be making any long term plans with him. He has already proven himself to be a man of poor quality. So what, he's changed. You're not obliged to keep him and for all you know he might change back. He may not be up to no good now, but I would never, ever trust him again and I would dump him now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 September 2012):
 If you have valid suspicions that he hasn't changed a whit.... then don't let your "relationship" progress .... EXCEPT to the "dumping" stage.....
WHY would you harbor these expectations/beliefs but keep hanging on with this guy who hasn't earned your trust????
Goood luck...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 September 2012):
 You should give it time and look for consistencies between what he says and what he does. Your relationship background should reveal when you officially dated and became exclusive. When a man emotionally commit to a woman he will only think of his girlfriend and no one else. It could be that he was playing the field but then fell for you. He could have said you two were an item just to get you to love him first. After he saw that you loved him he felt secure to love you back. Now you still need to connect more and progress into a more solid, trusting relationship before thinking about marrying him. Just the fear of losing you is not a good enough motive to marry. A marriage will not ease your fears. You need to know each other well enough, like how you deal with stress, how you handle conflicts, and not just monitor his online activity. You also need to know why he loves you and no one else, and how your lives complement each other.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (23 September 2012):
 Well it seems he's shattered your trust in him hence why you are questioning whether you're being paranoid.If this has happened in the past who knows what is still going on technology nowa days can set things so privately it's like nothing ever existed. I think maybe he didn't flinch about male attention you got is because he probably knew you'd never cheat on him or follow through with anything or influence anything.If you feel he's changed then pursue it but i'm not entirely sure that you are convinced he has because you've said you cannot see a future because of the past and maybe that right there is your answer.
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