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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I dated this guy last year, and I had only known him for 2 months when we started dating. I was completely innocent when we started dating, and he had a lot of sexual experience with girls before me. At first the relationship started steadily, but then he started rushing things. He tried to kiss me after a week of dating when I wasn't ready and it was awful but I ignored it. Then he would try to ask for nude photos of me, and wouldn't stop asking even when I said no. Eventually I accepted, and after that it went even more downhill. He would do sexual things to me in public places, even if I said no he'd continue asking. I never really wanted to do any of it, but I ignored my common sense and continued the relationship. I thought he just needed someone to be for him, but he used me, and I let him. Even when I knew he was only being manipulative, I still stayed and let him use me. I became dependent on him. And even though I've already broken up with him , I wanted to know, why did I let him do these things to me? Why did I let him turn me into someone I never wanted to be? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): I wonder if you've been brought up in a family where it is easy for you to communicate your opinions and whether your opinions are valued? If you are not used to feeling fine about your opinion being respected then this will lower your self esteem AND make it very hard for you to say what you do and do not want to happen in other areas of your life, including within relationships.
You tried to draw up boundaries with this person and he repeatedly destroyed them. He sounds like a completely selfish and insensitive person with no respect for the person that he was supposed to care about most of all. But this doesn't mean that you cannot recover your sense of boundary now and, in future, be strong and clear in asserting what you are happy with and what you will not allow.
What I am talking about is being assertive. Anyone at anytime is free to assert their boundaries. You sound like you are infinitely more sensitive to others than your ex was, so I can imagine that if you feel other people's disappointment etc when you put up boundaries, you almost feel this as your own and/or feel responsible for supplying what they need in order not to disappoint them and face rejection.
If you have been in a family situation in which your boundaries are not respected and your opinions and needs are not easy to communicate or uphold then this will, as I said, have majorly contributed to what happened.
I'd suggest you read about assertiveness - either online or buy a book. If you realise that there is a problem within your family to do with this then I'd suggest you think about asking your doctor for counselling for your self esteem.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (25 March 2013):
I think people are afraid of being rejected, so they may do things to fit in or be accepted, even if they don't want to.
If that's the case here and you have a problem saying "no" you need to learn that standing up for yourself is important, and the consequences of not doing so are usually worse than if you had listened to your instinct and reacted appropriately.
In this case had you listened to your instinct you would have broke up with him awhile ago and not have done things you regretted.
Being rejected, for whatever reason, isn't something to fear while dating. It simply brings you one step closer to finding the right person for you. It's like trying on a shirt. Yes, it may be perfectly fine. It may fit okay, but maybe the color isn't right, or the collar is uncomfortable. If you only need one shirt and you decide to live with those imperfections then you'll never be able to wear a truly great shirt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Who knows, why we do things even though at the time, are subconscious is telling us it's a bad idea. We want to please, we have no boundaries and control over our own behaviour? We do, just get lost sometimes in the heat of the moment or the complex emotions we have.
Take time to think about your own wants and needs, set boundaries that your comfortable with and stick to them. Put this down to experience - we all make mistakes, and look forwards.
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