A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 20 year old female currently in a relationship with a guy, where the sex is very disappointing. Well when we actually have sex it is great but these days that's not very often. He seems to be a very sexual person on his own, I mean he used to masturbate several times a day to porn (though I don't think he does anymore) but we generally have only have sex once a week. For myself, I would like it at least once a day, twice would be great!I am attractive, in good shape, I dress up in lingerie and costumes, I initiate and still... it just doesn't get me anywhere! I have brought it up with him, he has no explanation and nothing has changed since discussing it. It drives me crazy, I just don't know what to do about it. I don't feel like he has a low sex drive in general, just seems he has NO interest in sex with me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): Your response was actually very helpful, empathy can be just as good as advice sometimes. I know how you feel precisely, I've used every combination of words at my disposal, asked in frustration, rationally, tears... but it doesn't get through.
I would consider myself to be a fairly practical person, and I've tried every practical solution I can think of.
I always initiate so I can't see that being the problem, it seems to be leading to problems in other areas as you can probably imagine. But I guess I'll just keep probing until it is resolved or until I get so frustrated I call it quits.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): I've been with my boyfriend for almost four years and have been having the same troubles for two and a half years. He is acting exactly like your bf - all of a sudden not so interested, just once a week, nothing you work tries, you talk but he just doesn't know and doesn't seem too bothered about it. Like you I am also hurting and stuggling with it. After so long I am really depressed about it and think it will probably end up in me ending things as I am battling through this with little understanding or effort from him. Why don't they just get it!?? I think if I only I could make my bf somehow understand how much this is hurting me that he'd try and sort things out however no matter what I say he doesn't seem to understand. Sorry this isn't really very helpful in the way of advice, but hey I know what you're going through. Good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): If he has such a sex drive he most probably does want sex - a lot! I think the problem with him is that he probably has confidence issues and may not know how to approach you all the time?
Try apporaching and intiating instead of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Thank you all so very much for your responses, I really do appreciate feedback as it can be very hard to try look at it objectively.
It frustrates me so much because the less sex I get, the more I want it!
I dont think it is a stress thing, it has been an ongoing issue for months now, even when we were on holidays the issue persisted. He's not on any medication, insists I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen (etc. etc.)
It is quite easy to sound confident in text but I don't think I am intimidating him sexually.
As for his response when I do initiate, well... sometimes he's indifferent, if it's something we've planned in advance he's usually pretty excited.
I have asked him so many different times why things have changed and he has no idea, and he doesn't seem bothered. He doesn't seem to try to did deeper for an answer, and he seems fairly oblivious to how damaging it is.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Masturbation != sex drive.
For that matter, just because someone masturbates doesn't mean they want to have sex. In fact it might be done because they don't have time or aren't in the mood for sex, just the orgasm.
Compare it like this, eating a nice cooked meal vs something from the microwave. Both would satisfy hunger, yet I don't cook a nice meal and spend lots of time on it to satisfy my hunger. If I nuke a meal it just means my body is hungry, so I feed it. It may very well be that I am fully aware all the ingredients for a fine meal are in the next room, but I am just not in the mood to cook them.
There may be many reasons why he doesn't want more sex with women. Stress is a libido killer, he might feel he has to put in to much effort, he might be to lazy, perhaps it ain't good enough for him, maybe he can't keep it up that often (you don't need a full hard-on for masturbation). Or it might be even simpler, that he feels once a week is enough for his needs.
You say you initiate it, what happens? How does he respond, excited or indifferent, perhaps when you are doing a striptease in front of him asking you to stop blocking the TV?
There is a reason why he wants less sex then you do, you tried the obvious attempts to change this by taking action yourself. Now it is time to dig deeper and don't take no for an answer. Sexual incompatibility can sour any relationship.
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female
reader, vix100  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 I think there may be many reasons for this - you just need to get to the bottom of which it is. Does he have a stressful job/life? Is he anxious or shy? Is he worried about his performance? It sounds like you are confident and perhaps this intimidates him slightly. Is he on any medications, etc, that could have caused his sex drive to diminish? If he insists that he does find you attractive and there are no other serious problems in your relationship, maybe he could consult his GP to find out if there are any underlying reasons. You say he used to masturbate several times a day - of course, this is in private where he has no inhibitions - and you say you don't think he does now. I just wonder why he doesn't so much now. I don't think it is an issue with finding you attractive, but maybe something that even he doesn't know the answer to. Hope you get it sorted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): hey, dont worry. it sounds to me that u are a very attractive girl! maybe he is feeling a bit low in himself try talking to him about it!
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female
reader, bday121 +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Maybe he has a porn addiction? Porn addiction is a very serious, rampant problem that has exploded since the invention of the internet. People like to downplay porn addiction and make fun of it, or claim it's not a problem at all, but they're very wrong. My boyfriend has a porn addiction and it's taken a heavy toll on our sex life and my self-esteem. My current situation is very similar to yours.
Try googling "porn addiction" and you'll find lots of helpful information and websites. They should be able to tell you the signs to look for to see if he has an addiction.
Of course, his problem could always be something else, but this really sounds like porn addiction to me, and it's definitely worth looking into. I hope this was helpful.
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