A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:HIMymy relationship with my Bf of over 1 year has on the whole been v good. We are quite compatable and enjoy life ,so I am very happy . But he has always had this man urge to masturbate. It is getting to be a habit after we have make love he is like totally on a high and just goes at it while either watching porn in bed on the Ipad or doing things to my underware. I know guys have to/want to do this stuff ,because they are guys but, it is messing up my mind as to why he does it so much and immediately after we have made love. Isn't he happy with our love making ?.Do I not satisfy him enough?. If he may be did his thing before we made love he might last longer and so enjoy it more. Plus if he lasted a little bit longer so wouild I. I know we all do things sometimes to relieve strees or whatever but when ever I start to touch on the subject he gets angry and says I wouldnt understand because Im a girl.So that is the end of the conversation. Ive spoken to a Gf of mine and she says its just normal for guys to do things and not to worry. So is it me just being silly.?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): OP, I am a man, and I want to advise you to read and reread what Honey Pie has written, to you! She has this exactly right! You are quite young, but this lad is disrespecting you, to not keep his self gratification private, as a matter of respect, for you! At his age a normal lad would be asking you for round two, or at least ask for touching one another or maybe mutual masturbation where you both masturbate yourselfs for the erotic thrill of watching your lover get off and learn by watching her, how she likes to be touched. He truly is addicted to the grip of his own hand, and porn is desensatizing him to normal sex, to the extend that he cannot even see how rude he is being to you, and how this hurts your feelings and even makes you wonder if you are giving him satisfaction. Truly there is nothing wrong with you or your love making!!! Never degrade yourself by doing sexual acts which you are not comfortable with, trying to compete with the porno girls!!! His porn addiction precludes him as a loving mate!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): I’m another person who seconds the likelihood that it’s an unhealthy relationship with porn . Whilst I agree you’re very young and ahoykd see this as a sign of his immaturity which it is . Let me now give you some motherly advice as a mother to women your age and older . Unfortunately this problem does NOT just occur in young guys and I have a friend in her 50s who’s husband does the exact same . I have another friend who’s husband can’t perform without first watching porn no matter what she does to try and ‘ excite him’ and I myself have experienced my partner rejecting me for porn to the point where we ended up in counselling for some time . It can be a huge problem and whilst some couples may be able to use it together others experience deep issues especially if one becomes reliant on using it alone to satisfy their needs .
This is absolutely no reflection of you and is. Reflection of the state of our world and the porn culture and also the fact that many men, and some women , think it is harmless and don’t realise or care how it affects their expectations and desires for their real life partners . My advice to you would be to move on . There’s not much you can do with someone who is happy to live like that , you cannot change others ( another important life lesson ) focus on you , when the right person comes along they will understand the Importance of focussing their sexual energy on the relation ship they have and they will want to do that , but for now enjoy your youth .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): First off I have to say YOU aren't doing anything wrong this is his problem.. A man that can't get off one on one with a women without the use of porn has a porn addiction.. It's one thing to watch porn alone or even together for your own enjoyment but He sounds like he has been desensitized by pornagpaghy & that is going to be a major problem for him being able to pleasure actual real life women.. If he is not willing to have sex with you one on one paying attention to you only or even discuss the matter I would break it off... Unless you work it out with a Therapist this man will only take away your self esteem .. Trust me ! I would run and fast .. Also remember this is his issue that he can't get off without porn .. you deserve to have sex with someone who pays attention to pleasing you & you him in that moment..Sex is beautiful & a special connection between two people..Porn can ruin this bound unfortunately for some who get desensitized to the " unrealistic women or sexual situations" Good Luck !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): Any person who would behave like this, right in front of you and right after having had sex with you, does not know how to have a relationship.
He should be able to understand how it makes you feel undesired, not enough for him and how this is treating you with disrespect.
When you asked him about it, he dismissed your concerns in an extremely arrogant and patronising manner.
He is not mature enough to be able to take anyone else's feelings into account, or else, he just doesn't want to.
If he's still feeling turned on, why can't he carry on pleasing you and have sex again?
He has learnt to use porn as I'm afraid all males his age have. They generally use it to excess if they are anything like the norm and so don't have the need to form proper relationships that require effort and acting selflessly, if they can just jerk off when they want.
Most males I would hope have SOME sensitivity WHEN they do this and in front of WHOM.
The fact that you aren't married does not mean that you don't deserve to be treated with respect.
His patronising dismissal of your feelings would be the deal breaker for me here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): Typo correction:
"There is more to be concerned about in a serious and mature relationship."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): First of all, he's not your husband. He's your boyfriend. He has no obligation to maintain faithfulness of the magnitude of a husband, to a very young-female who is a girlfriend; and may not be with him for all time. Yes, it is a guy thing! You're far too young, and you have too much life ahead of you; to be concentrating so much on sex and monogamy with a guy who is so immature. Like yourself, he is still in the process of maturing, developing psychologically, and determining where he's going in life.
You're now sexually-active at a very young age. It's a huge responsibility to take on; because sex has many risks and responsibilities. You have to have a very mature and well-developed mentality to deal with the consequences. You are the last person on earth to be criticizing or questioning someone's sexual-habits; when you're risking pregnancy and STD's. Trying to compare your youthful and immature-romance to what only a married-woman (or someone much older and more experienced than you) should expect. The responsibilities of boyfriends are negotiable, flexible, and not held to the standards of being a husband. File that for future reference.
Let him masturbate all he likes. It has nothing to do with how pretty or desirable you are. If it lessens the length and frequency of sex with you...that's all the better!
You will never fulfill anyone's every need or sexual-desire 100%; and no-one will fulfill all of yours. There more to be concerned about in a serious and mature relationship.
At this stage and phase in your youthful-development and inexperience; you don't need to be relating or connecting your self-esteem to the masturbatory-habits of another teenager. Presuming you are both still under 21. At which time in your development, you are full of raging-hormones! More likely to yield to impulse than commonsense! Often reckless in your choices, still experimenting; and by all means, should be cautious about whom you're having sex with! Hopefully taking precautions through safe-sex to protect the both of you! Many young females your age use sex to manipulate and to entice young males into relationships. Immaturity usually dictates the fate and durability of the whole thing; and rarely do people in your age-group fully know what they're doing. I can say this; because many who are nearly twice your age are still learning! Only they are mature enough in their understanding to deal with their mistakes. They've lived through enough life-experience already; that they can deal with becoming parents, if things should come to that.
There is more to relationships than what you can do with your genitals. You have to love each other, respect each other, and be kind to each other. Even put sex on-hold, to enjoy more about each other than what you can do in bed. There is a great deal of immaturity evident; because your question clearly shows how inexperienced you are. You have so much life ahead of you; and many decisions to make regarding your future. An unexpected-pregnancy could change everything, delay your destiny, and his too! He is still a boy in many respects, and whether you like my response or not...the fact is, you are still somewhat a girl, just on the brink of womanhood. Sex takes your life into a phase that you had better be mentally, physically, and emotionally prepared to handle; or you will be emotionally-affected by things far beyond your experience and understanding.
I don't mean to be harsh, but this is the advice your father should have given to his daughter. It's what men understand about ourselves that girls and women don't! If your dad has already had this talk with you, I want to be the first to stand behind him; to support and confirm the loving-wisdom a father gives to his precious daughter.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 July 2020):
 I don't think it's normal, or "just a guy thing".
For me, it sounds like he has a bit of a unhealthy relationship with porn.
www.yourbrainonporn is a great website to LEARN what porn ACTUALLY does to the brain.
I also think he has probably done to watching porn and masturbating for a long time (even if you are both young) so he has basically trained himself to this. He says YOU won't understand because HE can't explain it. He doesn't EXACTLY know why he is doing it. BUT it is easier to say that YOU won't understand because you are a girl.
Do I understand you right that he watches porn WHILE having sex with you? Or just right after?
If it's during I'd ask him to focus on you. Or DO what HE is doing so he can SEE how it feels. Sometimes people don't understand their own actions until they see them mirrored. Or you can GET up and leave the room. EVERY time.
YOU have to decide for yourself if you are OK with this or not. Personally, I wouldn't be.
I get that he is young and horny (probably 24/7) but having to watch porn during and right after sex seems like someone who is "addicted" to porn. Someone who has no self control and who doesn't think how it might affect YOU, his partner.
Does he NOT climax with you? If so, it might be due to all that YANKING he does, it desensitize the penis as the hand had a harder grip that any vagina. And if he has "trained" himself to needing that hard a grip, he can't get off as well from you. THIS is not your fault, that is habit he ISN'T willing to change or even VERBALIZE to you.
So what CAN you do?
Well you could start by asking him: "Isn't he happy with our love making ? Do I not satisfy him enough?" And don't accept a "dismissal" such as, you are a girl thus can't understand because that is bullshit. You understand English just fine. And this is NOT a complicated matter.
If he refuses to talk... you can either DO what he just did and show how how it feels, OR walk out of the room with a :"seems like you rather do yourself". And then YOU have to decide if this is something you WANT in a partner and in a relationship.
I will also venture a guess that your BF is not very good at putting his own thoughts and feelings into words?
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