A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help with me and my BF's relationship. We have been together for 1 year and things have started getting a little violent. When I say that I mean that he will say something to me that will hurt my feelings and make me cry and all I can think about doing is hit him. I know that is the wrong way to go about it but when I hit him, he defends himself and will push me back to get me away from him. I have gotten hurt before because of this. I have hit my head on the wall, gotten bruised knees and arms all because of something that I feel that I have started. I dont want to hit him but I dont know how to control my anger towards him. And he would never just come out and hit me it is always after I have done it first. Well this past weekend we got into a huge fight over him playing computer games from morning until night and not spending very much time with me. He said that that is what he likes to do and he will spend time with me when he wants and to not force him. Now he is not a bad boyfriend or anything I mean he holds me when I cry about something and kisses my forehead and holds me while I am falling asleep. There are times when he tells me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. I feel that I am a horrible girlfirend sometimes, but I have never EVER cheated on him but there was one time when we were fighting and I made the stupid mistake of telling him I was pregnant when I wasnt. The next day I had told him that it wasnt true, he was so mad at me but still stayed with me. Can anyone tell me what is wrong with me and what it is that I am going through? Why do I want to just slap his head when he gets me angry? Why did I fake a pregnancy a few months ago and do any of you think that there is any helping this relationship? Thanks all answers and opinions will help.
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female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (4 September 2007):
Sorry, it says you are aged 18-21, and I assumed that you must be at the young end of this.If you are actually 21, then I would suggest that you do see a counsellor to work out your emotional issues.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not 18 I am 21, I think there is a little bit of a difference in the age you said I was.
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (4 September 2007):
I think what is wrong with you is that you are too young to have a boyfriend as you are not capable of understanding or managing your emotional responses.
Having a relationship is about each of you being mature indiviuals who enjoy spending time together and respecting the different things that each other want to do, about you wanting to learn more about him because you find him so interesting.
He is not there to be your parent. Having him hold him when you cry and hold you when you fall asleep are the kind of things that parents do, and shouldn't be the top things that you value him for.
I expect you have seen small children, aged 2-4, who when they don't get their own way with their parents, try to hit their parents. It's a normal reaction for a small child. It is not a normal reaction for an 18 year old.
You need to understand that people say and do various things and if you choose to have hurt feelings, it is up to you to deal with that emotion in a mature way.
Can't you stop for a moment, and instead of just reacting like a 2-4 year old, try to act like an adult - ask yourself a few questions: (i) why am I feeling hurt (ii) how do I want to feel? (iii) what is the best action I can take to achieve that feeling?
If you can't cope with doing this maturely in the moment, then step away from him for 10-15 minutes and go back when you have composed yourself.
If you continue to have trouble, you might need to ge some counselling.
You're going to need to learn to do this in life, because in your life people are going to say things that you don't like, and you can't go round hitting everyone, unless you plan to be a loser ending up in jail.
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