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female
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*aliha
writes: I'm 32 yrs old and I have been dating Steven ,31 ,for a almost 2 yrs now.We are both divorcees and come from different cultures and religions.It caused a huge furore in my family when I decided to see a white american guy,who changed his religion for me ,but I looked down upon with distaste and hatred in my family and society for the longest time.My brothers stopped talking to me coz they felt that I had crossed the limits of Islamic morals and everybody in the society kept calling them and my family names because I was seeing a white guy.My rationalization was "He is a muslim .He is a sweet and kind person and understands me.I dont think he's in any way comparable to the abuser that you had chosen for me and who beat me up for no reason.He gives me peace of mind .And we love each other.He doesn't drink or smoke ." A year went by and me and my family were at loggerheads with each other.I worked odd-jobs and went to my psychiatrist for help as the abuse had left me damaged.My dad still calls me a whore and slut and names like that !!.Now coming to point ,amidst the one year of dating and standing up for this relationship I realize that I am a qualified MBA from India and can go back to school and get an american equivalent .On the other hand,Steve ,has a bachelor's degree in Liberal arts and didn't work after his divorce for almost 2 yrs.Upon asking he said he was in deep depression.I asked him if he got help and he said he went to an Internist and took medications for sometime and they only made him feel worse and so he stopped.I wondered why he had hidden all this from me or had I not seen it-and taken it as his calm demeanor?.Knowing this ,I called his mother and wanted to know about his childhood and she told me he's been brilliant at studies,but cried a lot .One day he told me about wanting to kill himself because he had lost his zest for life He told me his father and his wife abused him.I spoke to my psychiatrist and he said he would like to see Steve.they met and he was referred to another psychiatrist and a therapist.He is on medication now and there has been terrific improvement.I urged him to join school and he wasn't sure which course he wanted to take and wanted me to tell him.I suggested accounting,Medical billing and coding whatever he wanted and could see a future in. He choose med billing and coding. I was going to school and so was he and I decided that this was the moment to barge into my house and introduce steve to them . I did. Steve even asked my dad for my hand in marriage and my parents were happy but they said the first and foremost condition was that he have a stable income and I do too. Marriages can happen later.He promised them that it would happen coz he loved me.From then on my parents grew so fond of him that he came over almost every other day but my youngest brother has always disliked the idea of dating and was never hospitable towards Steve.I took flak from my mom's brother who said that my were allowing prostitution in their house and had no control over me.Whats been hurting me is the fact that after completing nearly two semesters in medical billing and coding Steve says he doesn't want to continue with course anymore. He said I had forced him to join the course.If it was up to him he would have taken up something that interested him. I asked him what that might be?.He said he didn't know.I asked him when would he know ,his reply was "I don't know". I suggested that he take a catalog of courses and job prospects I had with me and then decide and his reply was "How will I know ...there are soo many courses and I think computers is interesting .I want you to help me in computers."I told him "quite frankly,I only the basics. I can only help you with those .but what will you do when the course gets advanced?".He replied"I don't know".when we went to my parents ..I was really irritated and knew I had to discuss this issue with Mom. I did and she explained to Steve that financial stability was important for marriage and a man needed to hold a good job.he told her that "I work at Marshall Fields.I have a Stable Job(he makes $9.50/hr). Is she marrying me for the money or for the job?". She explained and he acted like he understood and then he left.This scenario has occurred with me twice before..that's why I needed to involve my mother this time and take your advice as well. I have explained to him over the phone that I have my principles in life and I have never blamed him for anything. I told him he was being obstinate and had no desire to do better in life and I don't want to lead my life struggling for money and deal with his mood-swings. I'm not his mother . I'm his girlfriend. He always throws it back on my face by saying "you're just being this way cozz of your depression!!".NOW WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT? LIKE HE'S SOO PERFECT. I HAVE DECIDED TO AVOID HIM UNTIL I HEAR FROM YOU. I HAVE ALWAYS HELPED EVERYONE AND TODAY NO BODY ELSE HAS LABELS LIKE I DO.sincerely,eagerly waiting for your reply,Maliha.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2005): To be totally honest it does seem that you are acting like his mother, and why are you telling your mum everything? This is your relationship not hers and she shouldn't be getting involved. You seem to be pressurising him constantly to get a job that earns good money. And yes while this would be nice surely there is more to life than money. Money can buy you a lot of material things but it can't make you happy!!!! Let him choose his own path in his own time. Some people can take years to get over depression and he needs to do it in his own time, if you love them then you need to support him in making his own way, but urge him to do it himself and gain some independence.
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