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My boyfriend is not "the one". I don't even know if such a person exists for me?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 March 2013) 2 Answers - (Newest, 16 March 2013)
A female Denmark age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm 25, I'm in a relationship of 7 months and my boyfriend is not THE ONE. He does have some qualities I admire in a man, but there are some things missing. Most of all, I like men who are a bit "hard to catch" emotionally, who know how to puzzle me, who are in a way "dangerous" - primarily because I know how to be "dangerous" in return, I want a man who can be a respectable adversary, so to say, haha. Second, even though we have some similar interests and a fairly similar set of values, it feels like I can't seriously discuss anything with him. And finally his sense of humor is, in my opinion, too immature, he laughs at stuff I found funny at the age of 12. My sense of humor is sarcastic, I could basically laugh at his sense of humor, and I think it is sad in a relationship.

I feel like a substantial part of my "inner world" is lonely.

The trouble is, he is by far better than most guys I've met over the years. I have a taste in men that is so peculiar, and most importantly, I miss feeling the glimpse of "special something" here, and I feel that this would make me feel like a man is "the one" for me. And I don't mean just "fall in love", I've been in love many times, but I don't regret breaking up with any of those guys since none of them was "the one" either. I know being in love is a temporary state, but I want someone with whom I would have something like a passionate friendship, with so many similar characteristics.

I don't even know what the question is. I have been in similar situations too many times before, I have no idea what to do. It sometimes feels like I will never find a man who is right for me. I wonder if he even exists.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (16 March 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI agree with IamHereToHelpYou.

the type of man you describe is not one you will ever be able to settle down with...

part of love is catching and being caught Men that dont' want to be caught are not emotionally available and therefore can never be "the one" (btw I'm on my 4th ONE so I don't subscribe to that whole "the one" thing)

The hardest thing to explain to folks who have not met their match is that when you meet them, you know. there really are no questions about it....

I've learned that questioning in a relationship often means that something is lacking. It may be fixable it may not.

As for you never meeting your "one"

my husband didn't meet me till he was 37. We married in October and he will be 40 in June. Our friends who married just before us... first marriage for both he's 52 and she's 40.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (16 March 2013):

janniepeg agony auntYou want a man who is sophisticated. Of course such men exist. Usually older, with advanced degrees and working in a field that has a good impact in the world. Or a creative, eccentric who thinks outside of the box. Sometimes a person like that is not born, but after years of training, refining and experiencing both joys and pains of life. Although some young people are wise beyond their years. Girls mature faster than boys. You want a real man, not a little boy. Little boys inspire the maternal instinct, which kills attraction.

Knowing that men like that exist may make you think twice about the relationship. If you don't want to break up with your boyfriend you have to ask yourself what do you see in the relationship in the next five years.

If you want to experience danger, then a long term partner can't achieve that purpose. When I think danger, fwbs, extra marital affairs and action movies come to mind.

If you want companionship, a person to watch your kids while you go shopping alone, to spend boring day to day life with, then the non dangerous type boyfriend would probably be that person.

The one can mean a man who ignites that fire in you, but for how long, who knows. The one can also mean the man who stick by you through thick and thin, grow white hair and wrinkles together with. I don't think a husband at 70 years old can still be puzzling to you, compared to a short term fling.

There are people that you look at them and you can fast forward 50 years and expect what life will be like with them, and you think, BORING. There are people who intrigue you, make your heart skip a beat, keep you addicted. If you are a free spirit and have a brave heart you should go for what you want, you should not let a boring relationship stifle you. Just exercise morals and love without harming anybody.

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