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female
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anonymous
writes: A man i want to marry is from a very cultural family. He has to obey his parents. We both want to get married however his parents are against it, they want him to marry a cousin. However he wants to marry me. He has been fighting for me for 5 months and he ‘says’ his parents have finally agreed. He keeps saying he is coming on the weekend with his parents to FINALLY to sort things out i.e shall we get engaged etc. However on emails, hes been telling me he is too busy and his family are too busy. I got angry and said if I want to separate, but once again he made it out as though I was being very selfish and said everyone was busy (its been 4 months now), however he said please I need time. (Hinting his parents were still not happy and he’s still working on them). Whenever he tells me his is coming over with his parents on the day, he rings cancelling everything. He says his parents are too busy. He has done this 4 times. He NEVER says anything against his parents, and keeps saying they are happy with his choice. However he DOES apologise and says he hates doing this. What shall i do? He keeps saying everyone is too busy, however we have regular contact. I understand why he has to obey his parents, im from the same religion, but does it mean he is allowed to stick up for his parents when he knows they are in the wrong. I know when I get married, his parents will criticise me however if my husband supports me, I will be patient. However seems like he’s going to stick up for them! He’s a very understanding person. We can’t marry until his family comes over and asks for my proposal. We contact regularly i.e go out but with my brother with me. For example then i.e he will say im coming on Saturday 11.00 am. At 9.30 am he will ring saying my dad has started work in the kitchen and says “he cant come, im really sorry about all this, I hate doing all this.” He keeps sticking up for them, yet deep inside he knows they are wrong, but will never admit it in front of me. Its like he keeps sticking up for them and making excuse. Why can’t he just tell me they don’t agree, instead of breaking my heart and hurting my feelings? Shall I confront him? If I do he might think im selfish and not want to marry me no more. But on the other hand, I’m going crazy. I want to separate and go my own way, however I know he’s a good person and loves me. I’m stuck! Please give me some advice on how i should approach him without hurting his feelings. I have found out from other sources (he doesn’t know) that he trying to persuade his parents, so I know he does want me.Please reply reiwafa@hotmail.com
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (29 March 2006):
 I think if your man loves you from whatever culture he is from then he will fight for you and that is exactly what he seems to be doing. I appreciate the fact that he keeps on letting you down and last minute changes to plans that you have made is unacceptable as you are getting yourself all prepared emotionally and constantly feeling let down.
Explain to him calmly whether by phone, email or text that you are emotionally drained and you don't know how much more you can take as you are constantly upset and feel sick to the stomach with worry.
He probably does not know how you are feeling and what effect this is having on you.
The only other answer is to draw back from the situation and I don't mean by going out with someone new, but surround yourself with your female friends and enjoy yourself but remain true to him.
You are from the same religion so you are aware of the implications of everything but patience is a virtue and if you have strong love for this man then everthing will work out all OK for you.
Give it a bit more time and enjoy yourself with your female friends in the meantime with harmless going out times.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (29 March 2006):
 You can't change others only yourself. So there is nothing you can do to push him along, unless you want to agitate the situation.
The only thing you should be doing is thinking long and hard if you really want to pursue this relationship. When you marry you don't just marry the man, you marry his whole family.
What you are living through is a small peak into what your life will be like if you do marry this man. This is the stuff that horrible marriages and divorces are made of. So consider if you want every choice you make with him this difficult?
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