A
female
age
41-50,
*isa2502
writes:hi cupid,my question is: my boyfriend is currently married and my gut feeling thinks that there still seeing each other, should i be concernd?When ever i bring up her name he gets all defensive and yells then he leaves, when he comes home work at late late hours, doesnt call or anything.should i be concerned.we've been together for 2 1/2 years and just had a baby in 2004 Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): Even if you don't think its morally wrong to date a married man, it is not wise. Why is he still married to her?
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (13 February 2007):
 I'm confused.
If you clarify this question, I will answer it, I swear.
Is your boyfriend married to someone else? Other than you?
If he's married, why WOULDN'T he see her?
I'm confused.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Yes, I would certainly say you could be concerned. The fact he yells at you when you bring up her name is his guilt acting out. Here are some ways you can find out...
One way to tell if he's cheating is to catch him lying about a matter. You can follow his eye movements to tell if he is lying. Ask more questions if he looks uncomfortable or uneasy. If he tries to create stories out of nothing and doesn't try to LOOK at you while speaking then the possibility is there that he IS cheating.
Partners who are cheating are often guilty of their actions. They will apologise over small mistakes and go out of their way to make you happy or feel pampered. He will also start showing less interest in you and will want to spend more time alone, so suggest going with him when he goes out, even if it's just a short trip, tell him you need the fresh air (and watch his face!). Is he still being intimate with you or has this got less? Is he always tired or making excuses that he's tired? If this part of your life has lessened then this alone is a good indication he may be cheating.
When your partner is away frequently then call him on his phone to see if it's busy or turned off. If it does ring out, then hang up before he answers, you know his phone's on or not busy and that was the main reason for you calling. (You can withold your number easily at these times so make sure and do that first so he doesn't get suspicious that it's you.) But make sure the number's NOT witheld when you genuinely do need to call him as it will register on his phone as being witheld or not! (You've got to be one step ahead of him all the time).
Also check closets and shirt pockets to look for any scribbled-down phone numbers or meeting places. Check his trousers too. If you find an unknown number then call it and see who picks up. If it's not a familiar voice then ask questions to learn where they live and who they are. If you can, check his cell phone if he leaves it lying around then do so and check the phonebook (If it's not locked - which is another sign of course). Jot down all suspicious numbers and call them and notice the tone of the other person when she picks up the phone. Think carefully what you're going to say but DON'T tell her who you are at this point!
When he comes in go up and give him a kiss immediately and smell him to see if there is a "woman's smell" lingering somewhere, perfume is the giveaway here. Even check his smalls for 'signs'!!! Watch carefully when he arrives home, does he always seem to head to the shower immediately?
Another way to catch him is to follow him in a car. See where he goes, what he buys and who he meets. (Take a friend along with you for moral support and use their car). If you can, try to show up suddenly somewhere and be surprised to see your partner there. (Friend stays in the car of course). Notice his reaction. If he is happy to see you then there's nothing to worry about. If, however, he looks flustered or worried and wide-eyed, then he is surely hiding something. Ask him questions to clarify things a bit.
If nothing seems to work, go back and carry on with your investigation till you come up with something solid. Confront him ONLY when you have enough evidence against him and then decide what should be done next. If you keep on his case and he IS guilty, he WILL slip up, it's only a matter of time.
If, after a time and you still can't prove it then the last thing to try would be to hire a private investigator. They will certainly be able to come up with evidence but it can be costly and only used as a last resort.
Isn't all this is a bit devious....? Yes... but you'd never do it if you didn't have good cause to. Cheating on a partner breaks every rule in the book between you. It is a sign that the relationship is not going well and is in trouble and THAT is what the roaming partner should be addressing and working on, NOT running into the arms of another as this solves nothing, only escalates and makes the problem much worse!
Eve
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