A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20 years old, Basically i have been with my bf for a year and 4 months into the relationship he started getting violent. it began by him punching things around his like a wall or the car dashboard, then when he got more angry he started to actually use force towards me. I'd always try to walk away from him when he got like this escape from the car but hed grab me by the arms so hard it would leave bruises, hes strangled me since, pulled me up by my hair, smacked me in my face, spat on me when ive been lying in a heap on the floor, hes flung me across the room, bitten me, put a glass next to my head and threatened to smash it on me. He just like a bull he sees red and he just turns on me and i suffer soooo much for however long it lasts. If i try to leave or walk away he wont let me ever, he grabs me and pushes me and scares me to death. After a while reality dawns when he opens his eyes and sees the state im in, he starts to break down and cries and begs me to forgive him because he is sorry and he never wants to hurt me and he loves me soo much. I've left him now, but he keeps trying to make contact and is being soo reasonable but i know in my heart it wont last long right? I just need some advice because at the moment im down and depressed and hurting, i invested so much in this relationship! When i tell him how disgusted i am and that its over he tells me i need to control my temper?! is he serious??? He will admit hes wrong for a bit but then its like he forgets what hes put me through and slowly starts blaming me! ill be honest this is tearing me apart because on one side i love him wev had great times together but then on the other hand how can i excuse his behaviour how can i justify it i cant. hes not changing despite countless chances and now he wants another one and always swears that it will be different !
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female
reader, VenaCava  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 Hi sista,
I am glad that you want to leave this man. Don't worry, the decision you've made is absolutely correct.
One important thing though:
Ask your boyfriend to join a BOXING/MARTIAL ARTS club. I am serious. He hits you because he NEVER feels the pain of being hit and degraded by someone stronger than him.
Some men I know who used to hit girls lightly turn completely into the opposite after being beaten into submission by stronger boxers/martial artists.
Tell the people in the club, especially the old boxing coach of what your ex-BF has done to you. He’ll know what to do, especially if he has a daughter too.
Next thing to do is be very proud of yourself, because you are very brave, you survived an abusive relationship and now you are looking to a bright future you just created for yourself.
There are a lot of good men out there; you are bound to stumble into one eventually.
So don’t feel depressed any more because of this one guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): Everyone has given good advice, especially jmc930.
You are right, if you got back together IT WOULD NOT LAST LONG. Of course he sounds reasonable...he is desperate and will say and do ANYTHING to get you back. He will apologize, he will cry and beg and plead and make every promise under the sun, probably give you gifts, maybe even propose. THIS WILL NOT LAST - he says he will change but GUARANTEED he will go back to his old ways. He has serious issues and he needs professional help. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Remember that. Nothing you can say or do will change him. He really needs professional help, he is sick and VERY DANGEROUS. The most loving thing you can do for him is let him go...maybe this will be his wake-up call and maybe he will realize what he lost and maybe it will give him the motivation to want to change. He needs to do this on his own. Like I said he is very sick and is very dangerous, you cannot excuse or justify his disgusting behaviour... you MUST STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
Of course you are depressed and hurting...look what you have been through! But as jmc930 stated YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!! You deserve SO MUCH MORE!!! And you WILL get the happy healthy relationship with the right guy. Right now you need to focus on your physical/mental/emotional well being. I suggest cutting ALL contact with him. Block all calls, texts, emails, etc. Don't listen to phone messages, IGNORE HIM AT ALL COSTS. I would also suggest talking to the police and making them aware of the situation - get a restraining order if you have to. Go talk to a womens shelter - they specialize in this kind of thing and can help you get over the co-dependent relationship you have with him. I also suggest you see a councelor - he has done a lot of damage to you and your self-esteem. You really need to work through it with a professional. Research abuse, join a support group for abused women. There is nothing to be ashamed of, unfortunately abuse happens, even to those who are intellegent and successful.
I promise you that you will get over this and move on to someone new and who treats you better - you will look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking. I'm 29 and trust me you are still young, beautiful and have your whole life ahead of you. I know it's hard now, and it's hurting like hell but this experience will make you stronger. Learn your lessons from it and move on. Learn to repsect yourself, and to set personal boundaries so this won't happen again. Immerse yourself with friends, family, and activites you enjoy. Eat healty. Exercise. Meditate. Start a journal. Do these things and you will gradually feel better.
All the best to you. Stay strong, you can do it!
xo
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 you're doing the right thing. cut complete contact with him and if he comes around threaten to call the police (unless you think that would provoke him). use this horrible relationship in your life to remember that you deserve so much better, and will surely get that in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): I just want to say how very proud I am of you for leaving that relationship. It's an incredibly difficult thing for many women to do, and by doing it, you've proven just how strong you are.
And because of that strength, you will get through all the pain you're feeling about breaking up with him and the horror and shock you're feeling about how he was able to physically attack you without thinking twice about it.
Don't contact him or respond to his calls or messages. Keep a written log of every voicemail, text or e-mail he sends to you with the time and date. If you can, attain a hard copy (print your e-mails, contact your phone company about getting a log of received texts, etc.). You can use these things against him to get a restraining order or in court, should he ever threaten you or try to hurt you again.
You had the strength to walk away -- I just know you'll have the strength to stay away. Way to go, girl!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): look i understand you cared for him but you should to cut off all contact with him....he will hurt you again (i think you know that) and it could get worse and if it does you need to call the police no one deserves that kind of treatment you deserve love you should find someone that will treat you with respect..above all treat yourself with respect and try to let go of this man! fear is where all hatread begins if you let this man abuse you you will lose yorself! dont lt that happen
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A
female
reader, Dr.Ski +, writes (31 July 2010):
Listen, No matter what they tell you, you never deserved too be treated like that! There is always the relationship that you feel is worth suffering for, but not like this. you need to have respect for yourself and realise that turning back too him is going too be nothing but plain trouble! you sound like you deserve a whole lot better than him, and that is what you should do! :) x
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